Whitefall Bound

I'm hopin' anyone sees us mistakes us for Alliance Federal Marshals. With any luck, we'll be mistake for a ship maintaining airspace dominance from the outskirts of Haven up til we reach Whitefall.

It's been a while - maybe five years - since I've been on one of these short range enforcement vessels, and I'd forgotten just how powerful they are. Not in terms of speed - they are slow as molasses - but in terms of armaments. I'm countin' ASREV three energy-powered cannons, one 1-pound autocannon with 200 rounds of ammunition, 8,000 pounds of bombs and 16,000 pounds of missiles. We're also carryin' at least three magnetic depth charges. This is 40 tons of bang.


We've got enough fuel for 500 hours, so we're going to have to refuel..not sure where. I don't think this was the best choice for this long of trip, cause it just isn't very comfortable. At least we're not using it on each leg. And, its perfect for our upcoming flight into the deepest black. Now that I think about it, this ship won't make it back to Persephone in anything approaching a reasonable time. I sure hope we have something stashed along the way that can move a little faster. I'm lookin' forward to getting home.

Hancock -> Paradiso -> Hancock

Ok. So we made the four hour trip from Hancock to Paradiso and are now on our way back to Hancock to put up the ASREV. I will be so glad to get out of here - the whole Georgian system has the Niska imprint on it. I'm hoping the Bowdens Malady ain't contagious. I know its not supposed to be, but, well, being around something like that just makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Not anything to speak of happened in Paradiso, at least that I know of. Shava hopped off the train, and almost literally right back on. I'd say he was only off about 3 minutes. I saw him make some exchange with some locals (or at least they appeared to be locals, dressed in mining gear and lookin' worse for the wear), and he was back on the train. When he said it was a turnaround, I was thinking he meant we'd get off, do whatever it is had to be done, and then catch another train back. I didn't even get off this train, but breathed a lot of that Paradiso air. Still, I'm sure I'm ok. A few breaths out of a lifetime ain't likely to make me come down with the Bowdens, and even if I did, there's always Pescaline D.

I think we're lookin' at about 2 more hours til we're back in Hancock, and can pick up the ASREV. I'm lookin' real forward to flyin' it - but I'm more lookin' forward to getting out of this whole Georgian system. Like I said, something about it just is creepy. I know Niska's been dead a long time now, but it still feels like he is _everywhere_. I'm not as sure as everyone else I've talked to seems to be that things are 'different' now. There's a sinister feel to this whole place, and one that I can recognize, but not identify. Maybe it will come to me later.

So, two hours til we get back, fifteen minutes to the ship, and as soon as its dark, off we go. My fingers are itchin' to get ahold of her controls. This is what I crewed up for. This is where the fun starts.

blue, brown, whats the difference

The brown hair color turned blue on my red hair. Damn cheap hair dye.

Then and Now

This is a photo that was taken a week before I left.











And this is me now.














We're just about to get on the train, which I'm now told is a round-trip with just a short stop to exchange some cannisters. He's got them in his pocket. I got a look at them and they look like bio-weapons grade materials. I asked him and he said 'serious platinum, babe', so I guess he's going to make the exchange and be in the money.

That doesn't explain why he had to stay at my house, or why he had to snag those documents from the Governor's office. I really am starting to wonder how well he has planned this whole thing.

At least we're going back to the ASREV and I'm going to fly it into Whitefall. I have always been a better pilot than Shadowbroker, and he says that we need the best pilot to fly us in. That makes even less sense than the rest of the things he says, because Whitefall is not even really civilized enough to have a place to land, I mean, we just sit her down on the friendliest lookin' piece of flat land and that's that.

There is one thing that is weighin on my mind. That's the guns. When Shava was servicin' the engines (these ASREVs seem to need a lot of work, he spends a lot of time in there), I took a curious look in his bunkroom. Now, the boy's known for having guns. And, lots of them. However, what I found looks like an arsenal - even for him. I took this image of them. It's not very good, but it should give some idea of the amount of fire-power he thinks we are going to need. So much for 'no risk' , but then I never quite believed that story. I just didn't think we'd need this much 'help'.

And even more curious is the stash of BFG's _under_ his bunk. How did Shava end up with twenty BFGs? I mean, thats enough to equip a Fed Squad. I managed to get a wave out to a friend in Blackburne, just to let him know things don't seem quite right. I tried to get a hold of Nene, but he wasn't answerin. I hope he's ok, and not too mad at me for takin off...if'n I ever see him again.

I took a trip on a train, and....

Great. He just told me we're ditching the ship and taking a train at out next stop. Why we're taking this roundabout route to Whitefall, I have no idea.

It gets worse.

I'm supposed to change the way I looks in case anyone is looking for us.

I've decided to take on brown hair, with no red in it at all. With my colored contacts, I should pass for a different person if that need should arise.

Why did we get this ASREV craft if we're just going to ditch it. I ain't even got to fly it yet.

tyen shiao duh

Athens? He thinks I didn't know it but I seen it on the console. He's takin' us to Athens. Worse, he's takin' us on to Whitefall. Why does he always run back to that forsaken place. It ain't even civilization in the strictest sense of the word.

Ain't no place I'd rather not be except maybe ...well, some places ain't worth namin. Just sayin their name is bad.

Next thing he'll be tellin' me we're headin for Haven.

There ain't nothin' in or on any of these places he's taken us so far. We're just going breakneck speed from noplace to noplace, doin' nothin. Somehow this job is not so much exciting as boring. I don't see no big payoff, and I sure don't see no romance. I told him tonite I want to know the 'plan'. He just looked at me and sort of laughed.

'You'll find out the plan soon enough, when you need to know it', is all he said. I'm sleepin' with my guns cocked tonite. Something I don't like about the way things are soundin. I got a bad feelin' about this. Maybe Amyla and Immi were right, this was not a good idea.

Shion

Shava hit himself and me with a whoppin' does of voprovalyn. Why we need it, he won't say. I'm guessin' its just his paranoid self. It's time to head out, though. Time for things to go dark.

Isis Canyon

I was right. We pulled a switch in Isis Canyon - have to admit Shadowbroker did a good job of hiding this one we've picked up. How he afforded something like this, though, I don't want to know. And, we had a little meeting with Mister Haymer on his private island. Can't say I was comfortable there though, as nice as it was. Full of treasures from Earth that Was. It was the Mister himself that made me nervous. Why would Shava be doin' any business with him? It ain't cause he's Alliance that puts me off - their money is as good as anyone elses'. It ain't even that he dealt in bio-weapons, although that didn't help my comfort level none. It was the way he looked at me, and the fact he asked me to leave the room so he could talk 'privately' with Shava. I'm suspectin' they was talkin about me, because I listened at the door, and heard them saying something about 'her Grandfather' and 'just the first of it'. The first of what I don't know, but I have a bad feelin about that man Haymer. The last thing he said was 'she does remind me so of my last wife, Saffron', and he said it to Shava like I wasn't even standin' there. Then he got a real evil look on his face. I was glad to get out of there.

Shion was just a pit stop for the money. I was hoping we would stay there at least long enough for me to say hello to some of the people who had been friends of Grandfather, but Shava said 'to time, sign the papers, get the money, let's go'.

Shadowbroker Svenska. Shava for short. How did I end up here, and why have I given you one years worth of my trust funds when you won't even tell me what the money is for, or what it is we have in our possession that is so valuable you've been fronted a ship worth more credits than you've probably seen in your entire lifetime. You never said anything 'bout needin me to get money to help you finance this operation. You just said you needed me to crew up for you.

And worse than all these mixed feelings....I miss Nene. I never thought I'd say those words.

Out of time

Saturday night I was all set to have a serious conversation with the Commander. Sober as daybreak, I'd been rehearsin' it all day. He finally asked me to dance, and we did. I told him there was something I'd been meanin' to talk to him about, and just as I was about to get into the details, my datapad went off. Since I have to turn it on and view it to make it stop, I stepped out for what I thought was just going to be a few seconds, only to get a 'wave' from Shadowbroker saying 'it is going down now. come now'.

I couldn't wait. I didn't want to have the conversation and immediately run off, so I just ran off. I asked Amyla to tell him everything if I didn't make it back and she said she would...so off I went. Now, we're flying fast and furiously to Bellerophon. What Shava wants to do on an Alliance moon full of rich people, I don't know. He mentioned something about meeting up with Mr. Durran Haymer, but I don't think that's the real reason we're headed that way. My guess is we're headed out to Isis Canyon to rendezvous with a ship Shave left there. It's not just deserted, but its a pretty good hiding place what with all the rocks and canyons.

It's been pretty clear from the time we met up in Downing that his only interest in me was staying at my place there. I'm wasn't sure why he wanted to stay there so badly, but now its pretty obvious - the job that started in Downing didn't start there as a place to take off from. The job was actually in Downing. Right down the street from my house, as it turns out. I don't know what he took - and as far as I know, neither does he - but it came from the Governor's Office. I'm guessin' its something pretty important. Hopefully no one realised its missing.

We're about to land now, and guess what? I'm going to have an hour to spend at the seaside. My first time ever. I didn't bring a swimsuit but I hear you don't need one here. That sounds good to me.

An hour and a half from now, we take off for Isis Canyon (I was right!), to get the new, more manuverable ship. From there, its to Shion, where we pick up some money. I can't say that I'm really too happy about that. The money is from my inheritance. He didn't tell me when this all started he was going to need this money, but now, we're on the way and I just want to get this job over and get home.

I have unfinished business there.

Waiting in the Shadows..

Shadowbroker said he'd be sending for me on Monday or Tuesday. Today is Saturday. I'm nervous. I'm afraid not to go on the job - I was always good at catching bad guys, and after I left the ship, I was good at bein' one. I'm not afraid of going into the black. I love it out there. There's almost no where else I'd rather be.

I'm afraid of bein out in the black with _him_. I've made up my mind last week that I'm not in love with him. I don't even like him. But he's awfully cute, and awfully persuasive. Granted, he's never even made any of those man moves on me, and probably wont, but what if he starts feelin' all romantic up there. It is a long way from home for him too.

Two outlaws, a long way from home,out in the black, facing a lot of excitement. I'm afraid. I wish my mind didn't wander like this.

Tonite's the Night..

Last night didn't go so well. I did get all dressed up like I planned, and I was nice to the Commander. I didn't start any fights, and I even brought him one of his favorite drinks. Usually he asks me to dance at least once, just to pass the time - but last night, he didn't ask me. Not once. He didn't even actually look at me. It was almost like I wasn't there.

Archer observed all this and when I finally broke and had to go outside, he followed me out. He didn't have much to say except to swear at the Commander, and try to hug on me. This time I let him. I even hugged him back, full on. He said he wanted to be my friend, but then he got all excited about, as he put it, 'having x0x0's boobs pressed up against him'. I guess even friends can't help being men, if they's men.

But I wonder, why doesn't Nene ever notice.

Amyla said to go on and tell him - Nene - that I love him. I think that's pretty risky because (a) I'm not sure I do. How do I know what love is? I know that I can't imagine a world without him. I know that sometimes I think about him when I'm falling asleep, wondering how he's feeling, if he's sleeping...what he looks like....I remember that time I saw him sleepin' under that big tree. But anyway, about love, and telling him, (b) What if he don't say it back. You're supposed to get it said back to you, and I always heard it was the man was supposed to say it first. Ok, so maybe he can't because I'm his job, and yes, it's complicated. But...if I say it and he don't, I'll be mighty embarassed, and fell like a fool. Then there's (c) What if he gets mad at me for having feelin's. I was trained to not have 'em, and havin them might make me less of a woman to him, or at least less of a...whatever it is I'm supposed to be...

Whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

raiders

There was a scout from a raiding party last night making short work of the Blackburne Militia. I managed to get a lone woman off the street and into the cup before she was kidnapped or killed, and I managed to kill a few zombies that were attackin' the men folk. But, I couldn' manage to kill the raider. We had a couple of encouters, real up close and personal. For some reason, I couldn't make my arm swing my blade. There was just something about this raider...I couldn't do it.

Later, the raider ran past as a zombie was bitin' on me, and blasted the zombie to bits. Now, why would a raider kill a zombie that was attackin' me? I'd think to save me for hisself or herself, but the mysterious figure just kept running. Looked over the armoured shoulder and then kept going. Later, the raider came to the cup. I said thanks for saving me from the zombie, but the color-changing raider said only "I came to tell you how it is, Mr. Newspaperman" or something like that.

As the raider was leaving, I called out 'you fight like a girl'. After a momentary pause, during which time I wondered if I was about to be killed, even though I was unarmed - the raider managed to get the door open, and left.

I spent the rest of the night talking with Chol and Amyla. Thats a whole other topic, and one that I'm hopin is settled down real soon. I love those two, and like most of the folks around town, don't want to take 'sides' when theres some domestic 'disupte' - but if saying the truth means there's a better chance they will get thru their first year of wedded bliss relatively intact, then speaking up is what has to be done.

Thing is, Amyla has been talking to her ex, using waves, every day, even since she got married, and she didn't tell Chol. Now, the ex is coming to town t see her...and Chol's upset. I don't know how he can still be so nice, actually, if my mate did that to me, I'd probably kill him. I'm glad Chol is a very patient and restrained man. I wish I was as patient and restrained.

All this and there's that baby on the way. I drift off to sleep wishin' I was havin' a baby. I don't know, I'd probably be scared to death, its so unnatural. But the idea of a baby...it does appeal to me.

Anyway, thats all thats is going on. Raiders, Domestic Disputes, and me wantin a baby.

Don't make no sense at all...

I haven't heard from Shadowbroker for several days. My ankle is fine, and I'm ready to rock and roll, but I don't know if we're on or not. I guess I can only be ready, wait, and hope. My friends still don't want me to go. I think only Amyla understands how much I _need_ to go because she's agreed to do something for me if I don't make it back from the black. The fact she agreed makes it all more real, and that helps me get ready mentally - and that is what will save my life when push comes to shove, if it does. I still don't know what the job is, but Shava said it's better if I don't know - that knowing would change how I'm acting, and that would tip people off. I don't know how I act has anything to do with this "one last job" of his, but I hope I do it right for him, and I hope it is his last job, because its time for him to settle down.

Not with me, mind you. I think I came to terms with that. I ain't in love with him anymore - not sure if I ever was. Like Amy says about her ex, "he was a lot of firsts...", and that makes him special. The fact that he was with me when I fired my first gun - well that alone makes him closer to kin than just a friend. Oh, I love him, don't get me wrong. I'd do just about anything for him. But, I ain't in love with him.

My new friends tell me I'm in love with the Commander. They're still sayin it - almost every day - that I should just tell him. I might just do that, this weekend. I was thinking of having too much to drink and being loose with words, but I don't want to tell him like that. If I tell him, I want it to be face to face, in a way that's very clear. I only intend to give my love away once, and I want to be all in a right mind when I do it. If I do it. You see, I just need to be sure. And I was...until this new fellow came to Blackburne....And now, I'm not sure.

I lied last night when I said I'd never been kissed. Two days ago, this new space cowboy kissed me before I knew what happened. He probably didn't know it was my first. It made me have a lot of mixed up feelings. If I'm in love with the Commander, why do I find that if I see that guy with someone else, I feel a strangebit of something like 'jealous'. He even said 'you're jealous', and I said 'am not'. And I meant it. But the honest truth is, I was jealous. But I shouldn't be. He plays loose and fast with his kisses, and I think he's just out to get as many of 'em as he can from as many womenfolk as will allow. To be clear, I did NOT allow it. He did it before I could object. And the next day, we went out kissin' with one of the dancers, and then told me about it. I don't know he had to tell me. Like I care.

I went to look at that dancer, just to see and think what it must have been like. Maybe that makes me ...I don't know...strange....but I'm curious about all this kissin and lovin and standing close. I stood close to the Commander before, and it made me feel funny. I don't feel funny like that standing by anyone else, not in my whole life. I can't imagine life without him in it. So why am I running off with Shava, and thinkin' about that kiss that was stolen from me? I don't understand myself. Not at all.

One thing I do understand is that if'n I ever do settle in with a man, I ain't going to lie to him about anything, ever. He can take me as I am, for the woman that I am, or not take me at all. Oh, I figure I'm strong enough to be even submitted to a husband like its says in the Book that Shepherd Flax has, and I know that don't mean he's better than me. It's just someone will have to be the boss at the end of the day. I guess when I think about it like that, its pretty clear to me that there's only one man that I'd want to be he boss of me. And that man isn't the stealer of kisses, or the stealer of merchandise - its the stealer of my heart and he's probably had it for longer than even I know. Yep, I think this weekend I better get 'round to askin Nene if he would like to do some courtin' with me. And sparkin. And the best way to do that is stone cold sober, not during a fight, with clear head and clear eyes, and those three words I've been waiting a long time to say, and probably won't hear for even longer.

Lets hope my courage stays as strong as my feelings, and doesn't change as much as they do.

Fixin to Run

Take me out to the black

Tell them I ain’t comin’ back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can’t take the sky from me

Or so I was until I fell into the waste and bunged up my ankle. Archer, good man that he is, rescued me and got me to the Medical Pavilion for emergency 'wrap', and then carried me back to the porch at Firefly's. Fortunately Amy and Chol were still there, and Chol fixed me right up. Unfortunately, this is going to delay my trip with my old friend for a week or longer. Or so I'm told.

It's the blood thinners. I had to take 'em cause we are goin' so deep into the black, and that means in about a week, my blood won't clog me up out there. Only thing is, now that I ain't supposed to go, my bloods going to be mighty thin for any of these moons. If I get even a little scratch, I would likely just bleed out and die. No stoppin it. It ain't likely any of these folks have the thickener, and I can't find any in the Annex, so best I can do is wait it out. It is said to be quite very painful, to go thru it when you are not actually in the black. I guess I'll find out. Or, I might just have to go and hope Shadowbroker takes the safe route.

Shadowbroker. Now there's a story waiting to be told. But that's for next time. For now, its time to ice the ankle and think all sorts of thoughts about all sorts of things.

Walking me home

So, Nene walked me home again last night. People have asked why I call him Nene...its hard to explain. We've gotten closer over the past few months of him _following me around_. In some ways, I suppose you could even say we've become friends, of a sort.

We've spent a lot of time together saying nothing, and sometimes we've actually talked. I remember one morning, I woke up and he was there, outside my door, waiting for me to wake up - just like he is every day - but this day was different. He looked like he had actually been up all night, guarding.

Maybe its just the first time I'd really noticed past my irritation at being followed around all the time. In any case, notice I did, and the man looked like he had been up all night. His left hand was on the butt of his pistol, his right was free (he would say "for the ice bucket" and laugh), and I suddenly realised that the person who was becoming my friend was becoming more to me than just my former Commander.

I felt a small snippet of gratitude for his watching over me. Never mind that I don't know exactly why he's doing it - except that it was his job then, and its apparently his job now even that he's not flyin' the Alliance flag - and never mind that he refuses to tell me. I do know that sometimes I feel a little fondness for him. I think it started when I tried to make peace and asked him to dance.

It was different. Usually he asks me, and its just to occupy, take up time, spend his time doing something more interesting than watching me. This time, when I asked him, he looked at me funny - I wrote about it before.

What I didn't write was what a long time he took walking me home that night. We did some laughing and every now and my hair would come undone and then he'd go touchin' it, to push it back, and it wouldn't explode (he seemed relieved at that). I felt funny when he touched it, pushing it back off my face. And along that way, we sat down, and fell asleep. Just right there against a tree. Nothin improper. I think I was just too tired to carry on, so he stopped to let me rest, and then he let me sleep.

When I woke up, he was still asleep - sitting there on the ground, against a tree, with his arms around me just as we had fallen asleep. I wanted to say something. I couldn't call him Commander, or Sir, and to say his whole name seemed so formal. So I whispered "Nene" to wake him up. It's a diminuative, a short version of nickname - common back in Zhangsun province, where words are more of a mouthful than on most of the moons. "Nene", I whispered, "wake up...the sun is coming up...".

From that time on, it was the only thing I could call him. Nothing else felt right on my lips.

But this is problem because its so apparent that its back to 'business as usual' for him. He's there to guard me and nothing more. Nothing less. For what, I don't know. For who, I can only guess his former taskmasters - even though hes so much unlike them I can't imagine they would tolerate his insolence...then again, maybe they know he's the only one could guard me without incurring any damage.

After all, it wouldn't do for the Zhangsun family to lose the only daughter, even if she is adopted. And it sure wouldn't do for attention to be brought to the fact that in our dialect, Zheng translates to Blue. I guess that make me pretty 'special', if only for the fact that the Alliance would like to see me gone, but can't afford the cost; the "family" would like to see me return, but only so they could get rid of me and run things totally without any fear of interference. And poor Nene - what's he gotten himself into. At the same time, I have the feeling he knows very well what he's into.

He's a good man. He's got more moral to him than most of the men I've run into.I must be more careful, the stars in my eyes could end up having his reflection in them and that would be a very B A D thing. I still have a lot of adventurin' to do, and a strong hankerin to hook up with my old friend Shava, for one last spin thru the black. I wonder what happened to him, haven't seen him around for so long. He is so different from Nene. They even look different. Funny how they make me feel kind of the same, all mixed up. I want to talk to Amyla about this - she has experience in dealing with old boyfriends. Ok, so Shava wasn't a boyfriend, he was the first boy I ever held hands with, and we came close to kissin that last summer. He always writes "you are the only one for me, x0, and I'll be back for you", bu I don't really believe it. I guess if he comes back, and I go with him, I'll have to believe it. But I ain't holdin my breath.

Someone gave me a rose last night. It was real pretty. First time I ever saw a nice rose like that. And it was just for me. I slept with it last night. Thorns and all. This morning all of its petals were off. I wonder if thats somehow symbolic of something.

A woman's perogative

The old texts say its a woman's perogative to change her mind. I think I might be changing mine. Ater Saturday nights run-in with Commander Nightfire, I had resolved to not talk to him again, to not dance with him again, and to let him manage managing me on his own, the Alliance and his sorry arse be damned. If he failed to take care of me (whatever that means, now I'm not so sure), then let it rest on his plate, not mine. He made it clear that it was all just business.

He's got a cold heart, that one. I've seen it in action.

But then there was last night. He approached me almost tenderly, which was the least to say unexpected. I used my usual "you're my superior, and thats that, regardless where we are" attitude, but it didn't work. It might have worked, but the people in the place we were kept tellin' me to give him a chance, that he liked me. Some even threatened to tie me down and make me listen to him. Well, he'd have probably liked that a lot, seeing me tied up.

So to make peace, I looked back to the words of the Shepherd that said "don't go to bed mad", and I asked him to dance. That was my second mistake. He seems to be an awfully good dancer for someone who has been in service all his life. Then again, he's probably had plenty of shore leave, if you know what I mean. The dancin was nice, it was fun, but he got me all dizzy. And then he pulled me up close to him and stared me down. I don't know why, but I didn't pull away from him this time. I felt trapped. And I liked it. I felt like I was hypnotized. And I didn't want to wake up.

Then he said he had to go.

And I made my third mistake. He asked if I wanted him to walk me home, and I said yes. He got me all the way to my door. He stood there until I got inside and locked the door behind me. I watched him through my two way glass. He couldn't see me, and he didn't know I could see him because he's never been in my place - he doesn't know about the two way glass. I watched him stare at the door for a very long time. Then he reached out and touched it with the fourth finger of his left hand and said "forever x0".

I'm so confused. I live in the middle of Downing, surrounded by Alliance-friendly folk, with some of the highest up Blue Sun people as clients. I spend my time with Browncoats, and am half in love with someone from the past who may be on his way to find me (although I haven't heard any more about him). And my Commander, well, not "my" commander, but the Commander from the ship were I did that dreadful internship - the one I deserted - is following me around, both protective and at the same time something more. Something both sinister and exciting at the same time.

I love excitement, I do. Thats one reason my Mame and Pa didn't want me to go do that internship, one reason why it broke their hearts so much. They were afraid if I got a taste of travelling on the big ships, the fast ships, the deep space ships, the outer moons, the fightin, all of it, I'd get a hankerin for it and want to do it rather than our family 'work'. Well, I've tried doing some of our family 'work' on Persephone and Blackburne, and mostly met with ingratitude or lack of understanding. Been called a witch, too.

Maybe I should run off again, into the black.

Business as Usual

Forget what I said about Commander Nightfire being kind of "cute". He's not. Oh, he has the eyes to stare you down alright, and his hands move over you when you dance with him, like some kind of hypnotic spell caster. You could almost fall for it...except he can't lie. When you ask him where is his drink - the one you never see him without - he has to tell the truth. Business.

I know what that means. Business. It means he's still doing his job even though he doesn't work for them anymore. And, that job is making sure I'm ok. He thinks I don't know how he watches me and steps in when people might threaten me in some way or other. He thinks I don't know that hes making sure things don't get 'out of control' like they did on the ship. He thinks I don't know that if they get out of control, thats the end of the line for me - and probably a promotion for him - and at the same time, he thinks I don't know he chooses to keep me in line rather than be reinstated, and promoted.

And while I understand a lot of things in this world, I don't understand that.

I heard an old friend of mine has been around asking questions. Questions about Lucy. Like, where is she buried. I know they saved some of her DNA - they got all of our DNA at the Academy. I also know she was pretty much their prize prototype "Op". I have to wonder if Svenska is not looking for her body, to make sure she's blown up enough to not come back before they start up another one of her. I wonder who they will use for the human? I wonder if that would have happened to me if I'd stayed on the ship.

This old friend of mine - from one of the outer moons. It makes me smile to think of him. He was always somewhat of an outlaw. I've heard, anyway, he was asking about me as well. He's the kind of guy that rides in on a black horse and carries you away to some castle in the stars. Now, I've never been one for castles or stars, but I like horses. However, I have the distinct feeling that if I ran off with him, I'd never make it back. I mean, maybe I'd never want to make it back. I don't know what I mean.

I know hearing about him has me all mixed up. Hearing about him, and dancing with the Commander last night for such a long time. He said "Are you nervous, x0". He does make me nervous. I'm afraid of what he might say or do. Or not. I'm afraid I might say or do the wrong thing. I'm afraid I'll get him killed, although why I should worry about that I don't know. I could kill him myself. I almost have before, after all.

I think no more dancin with any menfolk for me. Drinkin, shootin, riding fast, sure. Dancin and cuddlin up - thats ok for Amy and Chol, but its not for me. Can you imagine me and anyone acting like Amy and Chol? All the kissing and petting, and loving, and now babytime. I can't imagine it. I wonder if they used to dance before they started all that. Well, I bet they did, so no dancin' for me.

And I think he'd better start calling me Zhangsun, not x0. He's getting too gorram familiar.

Not a girl

I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. The difference is more than just the years I've seen. .

What to do about Commander Nightfire. Some have said they think he don't think he was a very good Commander, maybe that's why he drinks. But he was good. He was more than good. He was the best. First on the field whether it be spyin' or fightin' - and last off, too. No one ever left behind if they traveled with him. I traveled with him - I seen it all.

What's it like being an intern on an Alliance vessel? How do you end up there? How did _I_ end up there? It sure wasn't by choice. You might call it more like conscription. A peace offering. A payment for peace. I was the only one left of the Zhangsuns. Yes, sure, so I was an adopted one, but that don't matter, its the name that matters. The Alliance demands one of the "Royal" line serve. So I was told to go. And I went.

I remember that first day. There I was in my red and white usual dress, the kimono, long hair tied up and hands ready to work. We were all put into a very small room - and left there alone for three days. No food. The only water was what was in the bottles we was given earlier. Some of us drank the water right off, not knowing how long we'd be there. Me, I saved mine, because that's just how I am. I wasn't thirsty. And, I knew something was not right from the time I came into the room.

I won't go into the details of the three days, other than to say there was lots of sex, killin' and eatin. You can't imagine how it was for me. I'd never been off my family estate in Zhangsun province other than to help take aid to those on planets that had been HARMED by the Alliance. Now here I was, on their vessel, in a room full of 'subjects', knowing I'd be there for three days, and knowing that I could not do anything to draw attention to myself in there.

So I didn't drink until the second day. Someone saw I still had water and tried to take it. I was going to give it to them, but they raced forward toward me with such intensity, that my reaction was to think NO and the next thing I knew, there they were layin on the floor about ten feet in front of me.

Everyone saw that the thirsty person had fallen. They also saw that I had not touched him. Not laid a finger on hm.

From that time, no one talked to me. No one aske me for anything or told me anything. When day three ended and we were released, I was detained in the room after everyone left. Then he came in. And that is when I met him for the first time. Commander Neutrino Nightfire, Alliance High Command. He didn't just rule the ship. He ruled all the ships. And he was to be my Trainer.

It all seems lke such a long time ago. And then there's now. What to do about...well, its been forever ago. Now he asks me to dance. But he asked me to dance then too, and I almost did it. You know. Killed him. But he has the same look in his eyes now as he did then, and I don't know how long I can keep runnin' from it. From him. From all of it.

There's a pregnant girl, Amyla. She doesn't know he's protecting her. I know he is and I know why. It's because of what happened to me. He don't want it to happen to her baby. Thats what they do. They take babies and 'place' them. I never thought of it before, but I wonder, maybe he was a 'placed' baby. He's never mentioned his family, although its also the case we never talk about anything personal.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk to him about something personal, like, what he likes to do when he's not drinkin'. I almost asked him over for a cup of real tea, but just as I was about to, he turned and talked to some girl. They went off together, talkin' all close and drunk-like. Another blonde, just like Lucy. Maybe it was Lucy, I don't know. I heard she was dead, that Nack shot her dead, but its hard to believe. I mean, I know how many times she has come back, maybe slightly lookin different, but still the same 'core'. Some kinds you just can't kill.

I know I'm ramblin tonight. There's a lot of my mind and I'm feelin' all mixed up. I have feelings I can't explain, and I just want to go blow up some munitions depot or something else that will make a big bang. Thing is, I could do it. And, I wouldnt even need a gun.

He knows this. He knows it better than anyone. Yet he continues to follow me, sometimes coming closer than is appropriate for even a former Commanding Officer. And sometimes ..not often, but sometimes...I want him to.

wanderin...

folks ask my why i just wander around some nights. i don't seem to find a setttlin place. i can't really explain it much better than that. somewhere there's a place where i can settle in. i can feel it. but i can't quite see it, or find it.

this week i saved two girls from zombies. took a couple of bites myself in the process (the zombies took a couple of bites, that is), but at least they were safe.
I think I got infected. Cause, now I am sick.