Events

There has been an event in Downing, and right now, we don't know if it was terrorist in nature, or an accident. This is the third time our property has been razed to the ground, and I am getting tired of digging out brick and tracking down family heirlooms. I am so tired. But, I am not as tired as some of the people who are working tirelessly to find survivors. I've been over here three times now, and the thing is, its so quiet. Oh there's stuff going on, people drilling and digging and moving beams and cleaning up broken glass. But the people. So many are dead. ...and that makes for a lot of quiet. But my sense is the quiet is going to be replaced real soon with something worse.

Amyla lost her Grandfather in the event. I lost mine too, but not in this type of event - but I still have some idea how she must be feeling. I suspect she'll be headin' back to Downing to be with her family as they tie up loose ends. I'm going to have to dig out my mournin' clothes again. First time I had them out since my own Grandfather was put in the crypt. I'm thinkin' a lot about that lately, a lot about family things. My Grandfather was such an interesting man - so well travelled, well read, well spoken, the epitome of royalty yet we lived virtually in a cave carved out of rocks. What sense was there to that? It wasn't til I left that I knew othe people didn't live like that. But my grandmother, she wasn't very well travelled or well read - but she had knowledge of just about everything and everyone like they was a book she read. I have so much to learn about them. I am going to have to get up nerve to look at the books they left behind. At least those weren't destroyed. I found it, complete with its Blue Sun logo, on top of a rooftop across the road.

Mr. Nightfire has been spending a lot of time with Imrhien. I don't know what that's about. They went off together a few days ago and came back, both talkin about feelin' so much better since they had been engaging in some personal "sex" sort of play - then they said it was just them playin' a joke on me. But someone told me she saw them together last night, out alone for a long time. And, he ain't exactly been paying much attention to me. Guess after seein' me still alive at Whitefall, he's finally realised I don't need his protection.

Whitefall. That's all still on my mind. I keep hearing it, the same "Don't let her under the mountain". I dream it. I see it. I need to get there. I was almost there. I have to go back. This time I"ll go alone. But it will be awhile, there's a lot to be done in Downing, and I think getting done is important.

comin' round

I didn't say anything to anyone, but I found some traces of hair on my pillow at home, and they weren't mind.

Coupled with the fact a friend from Hale's Moon mentioned someone blonde was looking for me, I have a bad feelin...

Shadowbroker is back.

He was always one to finish what he started. While at first I don't really like the idea of him coming around (he could get hurt, for instance, if he came too close to me, such as within shootin' distance), he does have some information I want.

Combined with the information Mister Nightfire will give me now that his leg is all restored, I have some hope of at least figuring out what or who was behind the last three/four weeks of confused life.

I wonder if its really him.


On another front, the shelter now has a fridge, microwave, and sleep quarters. And, best of all someone has donated food - ham sandwiches and fruits of various types. Last night, a young woman said she had no place to stay, so I showed her the space. I don't know if he availed herself of it, but if I see her again, I'll tell her there's food now. Who would ever have thought I'd be worried about food. All the stuff in the garden at home, not to mention all the stored good under the house..and I'm totally depending on the generosity of others to help me eat. Then again, others are depending on me, and I intend to do all I can to make sure no one goes hungry.

Speaking of hunger, not sure what that reminds me of Mister Nightfire. I'm finished hungerin' after some attention from him. He clearly ain't interested, despite what everyone tells me - I'm a job, ok, so I'll be a job and make it as easy as possible for him. But I ain't waitin' around forever for him to actually court me. I'd rather be alone. And, thats probably for the best because that's exactly what I have always been, and probably will always be.

Hello Boys, I'm Back....

Today was a *big day* for me. I woke up this morning with shards of a blue martini glass still embedded in my right hand. It took me a moment to remember how it got there. I remembered asking Grei, the Firefly's bartender last night, how much the glasses cost. He told me, I paid him the price of ten of them just to be safe, and I crushed this glass in my bare hand.

I don't know why I did it. I only know that I felt angry, alone and like the sight of that glass was not helping.

Looking around, I realised I'd fallen asleep on a crate outside where the zombies hang out. Real smart.

So, it's almost a month since my big adventure, and my once-mixed-up memory is almost 100 percent back to normal. Ok, so I thought I was in love with Mod, but Imrhien explained that this was definitely not the case. She claims I was in love with my rescuer, but I don't remember anything like that. In fact, I remember just about everyone _but_ him.

He seems like a nice guy, as trained killers go. He has a good sense of humour, and smells _really really_ good. That is one thing..the way he smells if somehow 'familiar' to me. But other than that, nothing.

I'll think about that later.

Back to my *big day* today. So, ok, after taking a good look at my circumstance, I decided it was time to put things back in order. So, I declined an invitation to go to a towel party (at least until the jobs were done), and I committed to do these things:

1. Go back to Downing in the light of day and look for my dog Toby.
2. Look for the anonymous donor for the community shelter/sanctuary I've been starting and ensure they expect nothing from me, that I am 100 per cent free to run it the way I, and the community see fit, no strings attached.
3. See what clothes were left in the robbery of my place, and go buy some new ones.
4. See if I can track down the family heirlooms which have been stolen. In particular I am really wanting to find the family Bible and the chair. I'm really wantin' to read more in the Bible and see if there's any notes in there about my real parents. And, I'm really wantin the chair cause once I have it back, I can get someone to put me thru it, and get the rest of my memory back. Or at least there is a chance I could.
5. Dye my hair back to the colour it needs to be.This blue reminds me of that rat Shadowbroker. He made me do it but he can't stop me from puttin' it back. All my life I hated my red hair, and from this day on, I love it, because it is mine.

That is a lot to accomplish in one day - so I'm not too disappointed that I only managed to get finished with item 5, part way finished with item 3, and item 1 is accomplished. Toby is now staying with some people who are home enough to take care of him, and I can visit him whenever I want. I may even take him to Blackburne sometimes. Not all my clothes were gone, so I didn't need to buy many. My hair is good, I'm happy enough with it. No more blue.

That means I still have to track down the stolen things (Bible, chair) and find my donor. Seein' as if I don't find him/her I can't go further cause I ain't got no money left, thats a matter of first priority. Then, I'll worry about the Bible and the chair. To tell the truth, the chair makes me a bit nervous. I have used it plenty of times in my work, but usin' it on myself..well, I'm just going to have to make sure whoever is there with me is someone I really really trust, because the things they say to me while I do it are going to be stuck in my head for some time.

I did make it over to Hale's Moon, and Immi was havin' a real nice shindig, but I had to go as I got a wave that Toby had run off...so now I'm back to lookin for him. I think I know where he is -guess I'll see if I'm right.

...several days later

My memory apparently was not quite right for the past few days, but I'm clocking at about 95 percent now. Some says 95 per cent of my memory is more than most people run on a good day, so I'm doing 'ok'l

Thing is, there's these thoughts ..,.well, sort of like thoughts ...that won't let go of me. Something happened to me and I don't know how to explain it. Its kind of like my mind had a gate on it before, and I could open and close it pretty much at will. You know, like if I was thinking something or getting a sense off someone, it didn't have a hold of me. I had ahold of it, and while I couldn't do whatever I wanted, I could close that gate pretty much all the time.

After my recent 'excursion', its like _everything_ in my mind is way louder than it ought to be. And, it ain't just louder - it is all mixed together and I can't pull out the pieces. They're like shards of glass in my mind. That's the only way I can describe 'em.

I told Shaylin about it...at least I think I told her. She asked me if some was more 'stronger' than others, but it ain't quite exactly like that. The best way I could describe it was to look back at some old Earth that Was tv program called Doctor Who. There was one of the programs where the Doctors companion got her mind changed. That's what came to mind when Shay was asking me about how it is.

" I take the words. I scatter them in time and space"

Seeing all the possibilities of every thing is a very tiring task indeed.

It just is what it is

I don't know where to begin.

Captain and I rode over on his horse to board his fast transport out of what passed for a Settlement, got halfway into the hole where he'd dropped her down, and the next thing I knew he was layin' dead on the ground next to me. Bullet to the head, single shot. Gone.

I ducked down and waited to see where it came from, and then saw them. Grey uniforms. Everywhere. I'd say about 20 Fed Squads surrounding the place, some higher ranking officials who seemed to be giving orders, and two men clearly assassins complete with the latest sniper gear and garb. Don't you hate it when that happens?

So I think, I got to get out of here, someway, somehow...And then I notice they ain't shootin me. They're just watching. Ever now and then, a few of them charge forward as if they're gonna try to take me and I'm forced to put them out of their misery. They must be miseralble, I figure, cause they're purple bellies. I know when I had to wear that unifom I was miserable. Cheap purple scratchy cloth notwithstanding, those guys were out to take me, and they had to be downed.

This went on for hours...what seemed like days....when suddenly I fall asleep again. This time, though, the sleep s because someone gassed the whole area. I wake up, and seeing a strange man next to me, I pull my knife and stab him. He drops me on my head, and I'm out again.

When I come to, I'm back in Blackburne, with Shaylin. She's asking me if I remember last night (which I don't). I rest and medic Chol comes to take a look at me. I'm in and out of for the next few days but I finally wake up.....and meet a lot of people who sayI knew them.

Back to sleep.

Change in Plans

Still dirty. Still sweaty. Still outside this what passes for a Settlement.

Met up with Captain at midnight, as planned, and he told me there was a change in plans.

Three days from now.

That means I have to wait it out three more days. Three more days either back out in the desert, or three more days in one of the Blue Sun labelled crates where who knows what has been. Three days drinkin' from the horse trough. Three days with no food, other than poisoned food bars - and while the idea of sleepin' thru the next few days does appeal to me, I ain't willing to risk not wakin' up or missin my ride out.

Been here almost a week now, I think. Days are soft of melting into one another. Not much goes on in this place. The people that do actually live 'round here either work 'in the deep well' whatever that means, or do 'gardenin' which seems to consist of growing something resembling corn.

Three days. At least food and water are furnished on the ship and I think this Captain is a good guy, so it is likely to be generous. Anything is better than nothing at this point - 'ceptin for poisoned food that is.

Three days. The way we count. Wonder why that phrase came to mind. I'm tired. Must admit I feel a bit dizzy and somewhat lost. Never even made it to the deepest black...now I have to wonder what was in the blood thinners he gave me. Probably water.

Idiot. Him. And Me.

Uh...this ain't right

Those two little furry prairie dogs or whatever they are....soon as they finished up the food, one of 'em keeled over dead and the other looks to be pretty well on the way to the same place. Something ain't right. I eat and fall asleep and can't remember things right. They eat and fall asleep and die.

I ain't going to eat any more off of these bars Shadowbroker left for me. Now that I think of it, I've been sickly and sleeping ever since I got on that ASREV, more all the time. Bad dreams. Weird dreams. Mixed up. Losing track of time. Forgetting where I am.

He said he drugged me, but I thought he meant one time. That's not what he meant. He meant he drugged me ...with these foods...and I've been being drugged even ever since he left. Tonite's
too important to be hazy. Better hungry than hazy. There's plenty time to eat once I'm home, and as I remember, I had some nice things planted. I look forward to seeing them. And tasting them. And sharing them with my friends.

Tonight's the Night

And its already late afternoon....slept thru the morning again. Woke up with two little furry creatures nibblin at the left-over food I fell asleep eating. Didn't have the heart to shoo 'em off, they looked so sweet, and anyway, they were good company for me on this already way too hot day. There's no shade here, at least not natural shade, so I'm thinkin' I'll go and rest up in one of the crates. There's no shortage of them, and some of them have tarps on 'em, so will provide some shade.

I have to say this has been some ordeal rather than a great 'adventure'. No more thinkin' with my heart. I need to be able to see whats going on clearly so I don't end up in a mess like this again. There's no reason for me to end up like this. In the past, I would have seen way ahead and not even started down this road. And in the future, I aim to do exactly the same.

First thing I do when I get home is find Nene and tell him I'm tired of him shadowing me around - I think we should start walking together. I can't imagine a world without him, and I want him to know. I am gonna pick up right where I left off, only this time, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'm gonna tell him in no uncertain terms that my thoughts are just for him, and that I'd like it much if he'd like to start courtin' me instead of just following me around. Job or no job, its time for that man to take a good hold of me, and do what I think he's been wantin to do, and the truth is, I'm wantin it too. It ain't never been clearer to me - I love that man.

Hello cowgirl in the sand

Is this place at your command...

Sand and dirt, everywhere. Grit. Its in my hair. Its in my teeth. Its in my eyes. And I love it.

I'm feeling torqued up and ready for action. Thing is, I really need to get out of here unnoticed.

Nothing to stop any of the fine settlers down in that what passes for a settlement from deciding they'd like to keep me for some reason or other. It ain't like there's many women there, in fact other than the dancers, I only saw one, and she looked mean as all getout.

...

I can't believe I slept all day. I mean, I've been asleep since a short time after straight up midnight, and it looks to be about five or six now, sometime early evenin' anyway. I ain't sure, to tell the truth, what day it is. I think its Tuesday, but it could be Wednesday. Or even Thursday. The past few days are somewhat of a blur. I can't seem to think straight sometimes.

I know that tonite I have to get down to the 'local scene' and see if I can talk to Nack and Lo..no, not Nack. I meant a...what's it called. Cargo police. No..pilot. I need to find a way to Eavesdown Docks, or any place on Persephone. That's where I live. My parents must be wondering wh..no, that's not right. I don't live with my parents. I live at where they used to live and work. At the Zhangsun Family Annex and Diplomatic House. My name is x0x0 Zhangsun, and I live in Downing, on Persephone, and I'm just wantin' to get home.

I will go down there as soon as I get some nourishment. Just a little, not a full meal worth. I just need a taste of it to get me thru the feelin out the locals ahead.

...an hour later...

Ok, here I go.

and here I am....

.........several hours later, around 2 a.m....

I think I met my way out of this place tonite. Quiet guy, over in a far corner of the local saloon, lookin' about as hard as steel but with questionin' eyes. He came in about midnight. I heard a couple of the locals talkin' about how hes in every so often with varied small 'cargo' items, some of which he unloades to other merchants who happen to stop in at just the right time and the right place....and other cargo that no one dare discuss.

That cargo he picks up out in the middle of the big mountain out by where I been camping and transports it to Persephone, Hales Moon and wherever his cargo needs to go. Don't matter to me what he picks up, as long as I can hitch a ride with him. Talked to him about 10 minutes, the first 8 of those being small talk and my buying him a drink. Last two minutes we arranged the price, pickup and payment.

Tomorrow night, midnight, we meet up here. If he ain't here, I'm to wait for him and if I ain't here, he'll take off without me. Sounds like every good Captain I've ever known, so I'm in. Payment is half now -with now bein' when I board the ship, but before we take off-and half when he drops me off.


Only thing, I ain't going to Eavesdowne Docks. I was really hoping for Persephone, but it seems its Hales Moon or nothin'. He said Hale's Moon was the only place he was headed and he didn't intend to make no detours. Since he has the fastest ship I seen come or go since I been hidin out in the sand, I figure it's still a good deal. ...

One thing was kind of weird, though. He had a newspaper with a 'missing' ad in it, and it was about me. I can't imagine who would have reported me missing, as everyone that I know knew I was going. They may not have liked it, but they knew. So why 'missing'? Oh I hope my family isn't involved in some kind of hunt for me. That would not be good.

But how would they even know I was not around? Anyway, he didn't recognize
me from the picture, what with my hair cut and blue and all. But last thing I
want is some smuggler knowing I have . He didn't ask any questions, and I didn't
volunteer any information. Just said I wanted to go for a ride, where was he
headed.

...

I'm makin camp closer in to this 'settlement' tonite. I'm feelin really tired. I brought in enough food to make it all the way back to civilization - left a few things back in the mountains, but really needed to lighten up this backpack a bit. Don't imagine anyone's going to 'inspect' it on the way out of here, so the weaponry should be fine - and, almost forgot, the catalyzer Shadobroker said he buried, he didn't bury. He's as lazy as ever. I found it with a 'for sale' sign on it at a junk dealers on the other end of this place. So, looks like he scouted out this place pretty good before this whole thing went down, all the way to finding a place he could sell off whatever he could beg, borrow or steal.

...

You know, he ain't even an honest smuggler.

...

But that's done and overwith. Tomorrow night, midnight, back at the Saloon. Meet up with Captain Ooragnak, ride out to his ship (that's his horse in the photo), and head for civilization. Heh, I never thought I'd call Hale's Moon 'civilization', but guess that shows how one's perspective can change.

Everybody knows everybody

'ceptin me. Ever been in one of those places where everyone seems to know everyone, and you don't? That's how it was for me in the Settlement bar tonight. Place is so small it ain't even got a name. Just 'the bar'. Still they was welcomin' enough and no one paid me too much attention except for some drunk cowboys who was trying to figure out whether trying to hand-hold me was worth riskin' getting shot...

Didn't see _anyone_ who looked remotely like they could be in the cargo business, but I did overhear two fellows talking about the ships that are passing thru tomorrow and the next day, and the business their captains will bring to 'the bar'. Hear tell they all have full loads, and are only stoppin' for a rest and some recreation on their way across the verse. What recreation there is around here I have yet to see. But, if there are going to be a few Captains come thru here in the next few days, odds seem pretty good I will find a way out. I just have to be patient.

I think I can relax a little. I'm gettin' hungry, but don't want to throw my money around in here. The more it looks like I can't afford much for transport, the better it will be for me. Anyway, I'm really cravin' some more of the foodbars. That's funny to hear myself say because I thought they were pretty much the nastiest thing one could have, but I actually like them now. I'd go so far as to say I got to have one, or I won't feel satisfied. I seem to have developed a real desire for them over the past week or so since this whole thing started.

Anyway, I had a martini (in honour of Commander Nightfire, Sir!), and watched some local girls dance. Made me homesick for Firefly's, and Shaylin, IsabellaGrace, Kari....

I was going to write more about the Settlement, but I have to eat.

Ice Planet

What I wouldn't give for an ice planet right about now. It's so dry and hot here in the day. At night, though, its cold - way colder than I'm prepared for. I have a few things in my backpack to help make things a bit more bearable, but it's still pretty bad. On the positive side, I fell asleep after I ate last night, and didn't wake up til this afternoon. I must have been real tired, because I went out like a light.
I dreamed I was in Sihnon, and it was festival time. There were flowers everywhere, and the air smelled of sweet blossoms. My parents were presenting me to the Officers for the first time, and all I wanted to do was run through the sweet-smelling air.

So its now almost evenin' again, and I've lost a day. I'm going to head down to the Settlement tonite and do what I planned to do last night - take a look around, see who looks like a person willin' to transport some human cargo. Still no sign of any purple bellies, although I did see some movement from what looked to be a hole down a ways from here. Its rumoured there is a Blue Sun Factory under a mountain on Whitefall - wonder if what I saw could be some folks doing business with them.

Given all the grafitti 'round the crates, I wouldn't rule it out. I know just about everyone hates the Corporation, but its hard for me. I mean, being a Zhang-sun does put a bit of pressure to if not support the business operations to at least not hinder them. But it didn't get me out of having to serve my sacrificial 'duty', and it did let me see what conflict and hatred there is between the upper ranks at Blue Sun and the Alliance. Everyone thinks they are so much into the same bed, but it ain't at all like that.

I'm grateful for all the advantageous being adopted in got me, but being a round eyed girl in a Chinese family wasn't easy. Sometimes I think it was made harder for me on purpose, to make me stronger, to make me push further, and harder...guess it paid off for times like this.

Guess I better get my ragged looking self down to that little Settlement and see whats going on...

How did I get here

So, I'm outside what looks to be the settlement Mr. Shadowbroker Svenska, never again to be called Shava, cause he ain't my friend -anymore- and I only shorten names for friends, told me about. Ain't much to it.

Been hidin here in these mountains
since last night, and ain't seen anyone pass by that looked like they was following me. My plan was to hole up here and see what the afternoon and evenin' brought..and it didn't bring much. I've still got plenty of water left, and I ain't in any hurry to make it to the place where people are. They probably expect me to run straight for wherever I go....

I wonder if those purplebellies got lost, or maybe they went the other way. The suns comin' up and I've had what felt like a good dreamless rest, and if things stay quiet, my next plan is to head into the settlement early evening, and find out who might be willing to take on a passenger. Thing is, the ships around here aren't located in one place, their ain't no dock.

They don't look very fast, and they ain't very well armed, at least from the outside lookin' in. And there ain't many of them. On the other hand, they do look like the kind of ships that have seen some flytime, and the few people I -have- seen coming and going ain't fancy, so I'm guessin' that for the right price, I will be able to get out of here.


There's lots of grafitti around on the few crates and buildings that make up this what passes for a settlement. 'Resist' and 'No U-Day for Patriots' signs along side of scattered crates with the Blue Sun logo prominently painted on. 'Live life with Blue Sun'. Well, here's hoping I can do exactly that - live life that is. Right. Well I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. Where are the great qing ri protectors when they're needed.....

.



....several hours later

I've had some time now to reflect back on this mess I'm in. It's my own fault. I was thinkin' with my heart and my passion for some excitement, and not with my logical mind. Shadowbroker appears out of nowhere and wants me to go on 'one last job' with him. I ain't seen him since trainin', and he's wantin to take -me- with him on a 'dangerous mission'. How much sense does that make?

First time he's sees me, I'm dancing, wearin' a dress, fancy shoes, and not dressed for battle - in fact, ain't even got any guns on. Its a sure bet he ain't never seen me like that before - for all he knows. I ain't been in any fights for almost five years. My survival skills may have gone light, and I may even be involved with someone and not wantin to go.

So how does he approach me? Like he seen me just yesterday, with this story almost tailor made to get me to want to come with him. He 'needs' me. Its gonna be exciting. Its his last job. It involves flyin, and maybe some fightin, and ain't no one can do it better than me, he says. So I fall for it. My friends tell me they got a bad feelin, but I'm convinced he 'needs' me, and it's gonna be exciting to be back in the black. Flyin. Flyin fast. Outrunning everyone, thinking ahead of them, reading their thoughts....I guess I don't do that so well when my heart is leadin' the way. I think there's a lesson to be learned there.

I was going to say I don't know what that lesson is, but actually I think I do. I can't read Nene. Not at all. Everyone else, mostly I choose not to - either they won't like what they hear themselves thinkin, or its really none of my business, so I just choose to not do it. Usually. Oh, sure, a few times, like with that Zach fellow that came around lookin for Amyla. I read him clear enough, and I don't like what I see. But mostly, I just keep it to myself.

Thing is, that implies its there to keep to myself. With Nene, there ain't nothing. Its like just, nothin. So either my hearts somehow involved where he's concerned, I mean, it would have to be really involved - or he's blockin' it, and he ain't got the gift, that much I know. So it has to bes..it has to be that my heart leads me back to him every time. And I don't see anything when I get there. I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder if he's been given someone else to shadow around. Or, I wonder if he's just sittin' drinkin. I can see him now in my mind, that glass in his hand. He's always getting a refill, but he never actually drinks much of it. A sip, then it kind of spills out wherever he's moving around to.

He thinks I don't notice. Or he knows I do, and doesn't care.

But back to where I go from here. Ok. It was more about the excitement, almost like being back in internship training only without the tong meng watching and evaluatin every move. And now I've got to put myself back in that mode if I want to get thru this. This ain't no game, this is me gettin back or not, and there ain't no room for mistakes. I'll wait til its darker, early evening, and make my way down to what looks like the bar.


This is the path I'll take.


Don't want to look like I got much money, no reason to overpay for my transport out of here unless I have to. Check out the place, see who looks like they may be in the cargo business, and see if I can make an inquiry without raising any suspicion. Place like this, shouldn't be much of a problem. For now, I'd better make work of a hunk of one of these food bars Shav....Shadowbroker left behind for me. I'm gonna need all the strength I got and then some to get thru this.

Whitefall

I seem to have slept thru the landing on Whitefall. That isn't all I slept thru.

I woke up to find this note on the console of the ASREV. I can't believe it, actually. It doesn't seem real. Yet, I know it is. I just...I just don't really understand.

'Dear X0,

I'm sorry that I don't have the guts to tell you in person, but, well, at least I'm tellin you before it all happens. By the time you read this, I'll be hours away, on my way to pick up the platinum. Thing is, x0, the platinum isn't for those papers. Those papers are going to end up back where they came from. No harm done 'ceptin for gettin everyone all in an uproar to the point they don't notice ...well...never mind that.

The platinum is ...well, its for something else I brought to Whitefall. I don't know how else to say it so I'll just say it straight out. The job was not to bring papers to fence, it was to get you here.

We both know you'd have never come on your own if you knew you were going to be meetin' up with some of your former associates for that long-overdue questioning. And, ain't no way they could get you out of Blackburne without raising more ruckus than they would like to raise. So, they came up with a plan to get you far away from the Annex and from Blackburne, and that plan was...well, it was me. They knew you'd come with me, willingly. They approached me, and offered me more than I could turn down.

I need the money, x0. I need it bad. I went and picked up an expensive habit and, well, its like a demon won't let go of me. I just need the money. I'll die if I don't get it, or at least I'll wish I was dead. But they promised me they wouldn't hurt you, x0, else I wouldn't have done it. Not for no amount of money. They said they just want to talk to you about why you left, something about the agreement, and gettin' it sorted out. I wouldn't do nothing to hurt you, X0. You're special to me, you know that.

Well there's something else. I drugged you. After we left Paradiso, I had to stop off to get some kind of paperwork that showed you really are 'you'. The only way I could do it was to knock you out. I'm sorry about that. I had to do it again when we landed because, well, hell, x0, I don't want to be around when your examiners get here. I don't want to see the look on your face.

I can't stand it even now, just thinkin' about it...I'm sittin here next to you all passed out on the bed, lookin' at you, and you look so innocent and frail. Oh, I know you ain't frail, and its probably just the way your hair falls around your face. I could really love you, x0, I mean, the kind of love that could make an honest man out of me, but...well...a woman like you..I just ain't sure I could survive livin' the way you do now. You're a long way from Zhangsun Province and that walled world you grew up in. You coulda been anything x0, anything. I don't know why you had to go and bail on us. You only had a month left, what could he have wanted you to do that was worth all this?

Anyway, by the time you come 'round, and read this, I figure you'll have about a two hour head start if'n you should want to run. I ain't sayin you should, or you shouldn't but if you do decide, two hours ain't a bad head start. I'll have picked up my platinum, so what you do is really no concern of mine. I did my part of the job. I delivered you, in this ship, and I ain't going to no special hell cause I didn't touch you even when you was all unconscious-like and I could have gotten away with it.

Wish I could tell you how to get off the planet. I'd offer to take you with me, but, well, that don't seem like such a good idea for either of us. Ain't no use in you tryin to start up this ship, cause I pulled the catalyzer and buried it, and don't bother to try to find it, cause its busted up.

I guess that's about it x0. I'd appreciate if you would burn this letter up so that when they get there, they don't see I let you in in the plan. That would be very bad for me. You know, x0x0, I was always figuring I'd find a way to get you out of it, and still get my money. But, well, I guess I didn't plan it very well cause ..well, you're here, I'm pickin' up the money. I guess this is my way of tryin' to do the right thing by you.

I hope you ain't too mad at me, although you have every right to be.

Shava

p.s. Go South. There's a settlement there and you might find some way out of here. Heres all the credits I got for the bio-stuff cannisters in Paradiso, more than enough I think, and all the paper ...never mind where it came from. '



And that was that. Like that he was gone, leaving me here to get picked up by the gorram purplebellies.......or to try to make my way to some settlement ....if it even exists...

He drugged me. That gorram gou shi drugged me.

And now I have to try to get off this forsaken place. Well at least he left me the credits and some paper. Some paper. THATS MY PAPER. How nice of him to give it back minus the bits he used to front himself some of whatever it is he's hooked on.

Well. What's done is done. I don't think I want to stick around here. Two hours head start..hmm...I can do that. Ok, so I feel a bit strange from whatever it is he's been dosin' me up with, but that should pass.

Let's see, what do I need. Foodbars, water, and guns. Lots of guns. Yeah, I can do this.

real quiet

Never saw ships like those before. Pieces of stuff that don't belong on a ship, some metal, some human...jagged things meant for rammin' ....those hooks just waitin to be launched. So close they were.

So close I could see them. Captured this. Look at him. I was so hopin' he would not hear me breathin. Shava said the reason we have this particular ASREV and all these weapons mods is for cases just like this, but that we won't engage unless we have to.

I'm so glad we didn't have to.

We make it to our landing spot at Whitefall in the morning. Shava says the people we're doing business with will come 'round to the ship, and he'll go out and talk to them and I will cover him in case they try anything funny. We're going to take turns flying her tonite, but I get to take her in. I love the feeling of taking a ship in.

Beautiful but ..well....maybe not so nice ?

I captured this when he was just 23 years old. The past 5-6 years have not changed him much, except I remember him a bit gentler. Now there is a hard edge to him, one that I've seen on others but never expected to see on him. I wouldn't be at all shocked to find out he'd been off with women and drinkin more than a few times. He's injectin' himself with so many drugs - not just for the deep space trav'el, or to protect from anything he might have got exposed to in his last little 'exchange', but all other sorts of things. Things I never even heard of. When I ask, he says it ain't nothin but a little help from some friends in one of the Blackout Zones, which don't fill me with a lot of reassurance. He don't seem to answer any question straight on these days. Like 'are we exchanging those documents for platinum in Whitefall?'. You'd think that's a simple enough question, but no......

I'm suddenly feelin very..sleepy..I think I shou..ld...goooooooooooooooooolsaay daasj;kld

One more day...

if you don't count today. Gettin' to Whitefall takes forever in this tank of a ship.

About an hour ago Shadowbroker asked me if I'd like him take over flyin' for a bit, and I said yes. Truth is I'm not feelin' so good. I don't know how he figured that out; I've been puttin' on a good show of strength and resolve to stay awake and get us to where we're going. Autopilot is good, but there's Reavers out in this territory, and autopilot don't alert you to them. If I can just sleep for an hour or two, maybe I'll feel better.

It ain't 'tired' exactly...its just..well, not myself. He told me he's relieved me a few times from flyin' since we've started this leg of the journey, but I don't remember anything about that. My mind seems to be playin' tricks on me. I thought I saw my Grandfather last night. It wasn't like a dream, it was like real. I could even smell his cologne. I was more than a mite confused when I came fully around. I haven't thought of him for a long time. I only know him from pictures, so how I could smell what I thought was his cologne, I have no idea. But there he was, just lookin' down at me, and I heard him say, 'that's her'. And then I fell asleep. Strange dreams out here in the black.

For now, as I have a chance to get some more sleep, hopefully with no dreams, I should take advantage of it. Shava's brought me something warm to drink - says its good for me and will help me really relax - and he won't leave til I finish it off, so I better get out there and down it. He's very kind, that beautiful boy. I can see why I was in love with him. Those eyes are blue-er than robin's eggs. But he's a scoundrel if ever there was one. There's no safety in his arms, and I ain't hankerin' to be in them. Strange as it sounds, I still miss my Nene. MY Nene? Did I say that. He ain't mine. That's for sure. He's a man unto his own self. Ain't no knowin the ways of a real man like that.