The dress

I've been waiting in the Wastes for extraction to Whitefall since last night.
I suppose this is some sort of psychological ploy to make me 'appreciate' them picking me up.

They should know better.

Ten days

A lot can happen in ten days.

Hale's Moon has taken a number of hits and Imrhien got captured but she is ok. Well, she is shot up and has some broked bones but she is ok.

Amy got beat up in one of the attacks. She's ok and the baby is ok.

Mister Manny left Blackburne cause he didn't like Imrhien marrying Aeon. Aeon is a fine man and I think a good match for Imrhen. My only thinkin there is about someone..the Lieutenant...and I know that she is..well...I just ain't got nothin' else to say. What will be will be. I will stand by Miss Imrhien come hell or highwater. Or both. Better both actually, maybe the water could quench the fire....

Miss Lily came into the shelter and slept next to me, no hissing involved. Probably because I was asleep. I saw her today too. She's now got fur on her chest. As much as I hate cats, I must admit she's kind of cute. Wild, ok maybe feral ...nothing like Kari. But then Kari is full grown lioness and Lily is..well, I ain't sure what she is. Some kind of not a cat cub I guess. Human in a way. Kind of reminds me of a rabbit I had when I was a child.

Mister Cobb Compton stopped by to visit twice. He's a nice man, real respectful. His pants could use some mending though. He's good in a fight.

Mister Lance stopped by, and met some new man who showed up - name of Nidor. Strange one, Mr. Nidor. Says he has some document that if I read it I will agree to help him. I don't know about that. But I'm interested in what its about. Should have read it when I found it soaking in his wet coat.

Miss Abigail stopped by but I was asleep. I seem to sleep a lot lately.

Oh, and we had a slumber party , me and Imrhien and Ash and Cobb (sort of). Cobb left before we got down to the girl talk.

Mister Neutrino ain't been saying much but he seems a might protective of me in a way that ain't all that familiar. I'm not sure what he wants. I like to tease him though and we have more fun than when he was paid to watch me. Well I think he still is, but he is keeping more of a distance and less like an old mother hen.



Oh, and I got a letter from ...I can't hardly say it...my....Mother. Along with a document that told all about where I came from and why I see things the way I do sometimes. Well, it didn't say why but you don't have to be a reader to read between the lines. "Experimental". They *are* keeping her in Whitefall under that mountain. I was right. And this time I don't have to fight to get in there.

I've been summoned by the Zhangsun clan to a meeting - the only way I can actually talk to her in person they say - and they're sending an envoy for me. Will it be one, or twenty, or one of their special operatives I don't know. Will the send in the men two by two to scout first? I don't know. But I know I have to go.

How do I know? They sent _the_ dress. Its time for me to take my place as the head of the family and that means assuming certain responsibilities for the family..er...business. Of course I could decline but then I'd lose the protection I've had. I wouldn't be 'immune' to questioning by Alliance. I would be just another Browncoat.

That don't sound so bad to me.

But I won't know until I am actually there and hear what she and they have to say what I will do. Being the top bean of Blue Sun could have its benefits. But some people think I wouldn't actually be able to make a difference. I'd be just a figurehead. Just a Zhangsun at the helm to keep up with tradition.

Some say it'd be dangerous for me cause if I was to get dead or anything, thats the end of my family interest, and the others take over. And then, war. Others say I could make a difference and stop some of the bad practices, and do more to promote the good ones like health care and food and clothing.

What do I say? I say I need to wait for their wave and be ready to go. There ain't gonna be any goodbyes this time. With any luck they'll come for me in the darkness and I'll not be even seen dressed up like ..well..like the heir to Zhangsun interest in ...I can barely bring myself to say it....Blue Sun Enterprises.

Yes a lot can happen in ten days.

Miss Shaylin

...has taken a leave, and I feel a bit lost without her. I remember when I first met her.


I watched her dance, and she was, well, just fascinatin'. I had never seen anyone move like she did, with such flowing grace that could turn and spin circles around you without you even knowin' it. She had the prettiest clothes I had ever seen - looked expensive and probably were.

Then I found out she was a Companion, and the rich clothes made sense - as well as the dancin' like no one else. She was trained in all those arts, and then some.

I was real surprised to find out she was a Daywalker. She was the first one I ever met. I didn't ever have no fear of her, though. In fact, I gave her a supply (not mine, but some I had access to) when she needed it.

When I had my 'accident' with Shadowbroker, and came back all broken up in pieces, not rememberin' my own name, let alone anything else, it was Shaylin that took me in, like I was her own girl. She petted me like I was needin' to be petted, and kept me from hurtin' my self or anyone else. Ok, so she locked me in and I didn't like that...but it was for my own good.

She helped me get some of my mind back, too. She never pressured me, just loved me into it. Shaylin ...I used to look for her every night, from the first time I ever saw her, because to see her felt like I was seeing a place I wanted to be. Its hard to explain. Now, she's taken a leave, and I don't know when, or even if she's coming back.

What hurts most is that she didn't even tell me goodbye. I found out she was gone when I went to see her and her bed was not there, and there was a copy of a note she'd sent to someone from the Companion place saying that she had to leave us. She was afraid she'd hurt us or cause some problem. I remember her sittin' by herself in the bar the last time I saw her. She didn't look like herself. She was pale, and dark at the same time. She was talkin' to no one.

And then she was gone.

Funny how I can remember her so clearly, and yet there are other things that are completely blank. The Companion House sets empty now, except for the occasional new Companion that stops by. They never stay. I suspect they never will. Shaylin is supposed to be there, and ain't no one else going to quite fit in that space.

The very worst part of all this is that there is no way to find her, and help her if she is in some way sick. I'd rather see her well and not here than here and sick, but in the ideal world, she could be with us and well. I'm sometimes accused of being too optomistic, but let the accusations be damned, I do think its possible. Love is a mighty powerful thing.

Mighty Unsettlin'

It's been a while since I wrote in you, dear diary, and thats for two reasons. One, I've been busy trying to get the shelter restocked ever since _whoever_ came thru and left with all the food. I got some good donations from Downing residents, and Saturday night went over to pick them up. They were small in number, but of high quality - some fresh apples, and some new (not used!) shoes - but less than I'd hoped for. We ain't got no men's clothes, and our women's clothes are runnin' mighty low. Still, food - especially fresh food - is good to have, and I'm assured there will be an ongoing supply from the good people of Downing.

They have lost so much in the past month - most of their main town destroyed, so many dead - yet they have time and heart to care for the needs of those who have for whatever reason ended up in a place with not much food even - well, I jus can't stop thinkin' how in some ways, we are all so much alike. But in other ways, there's no denyin' we're different, and ever time I make a run over there, I am reminded that I am, at the end of the day, a fugitive even if no one is actively huntin' me. I guess they can keep an eye on me easy enough, knowing where I am and all.

This brings me to the second reason I've not written. I've been having some back and forth talks with Mister Neutrino. He's a good man. He really is. I don't care if where I met him he was wearing grey and sportin' a purple belly, he's a good man. He helped me escape that hell they had planned for me, because he's a good man. I think its pretty clear he has some feelings for me in addition to my being his 'job', because when it became not his 'job' any more, he stayed around.

He don't have to follow me all the time anymore, and he doesn't...fact is, I kind of miss it, which means I must have some feelings for him too. I can't remember them as well as people tell me, I don't remember bein' "in love" or any of those things they say I was, but I do know that right now, as I stand here, I am mighty protective of him. Sometimes I feel like the tables has turned and its me watchin' out for him.

Which brings me to Miss SavannahSue Whats-Her-Name. I don't think she's particularly good news for Mister Neutrino. It ain't that I'm jealous, although truth be told I do feel a bit of irritation at the way I keep findin them dancing when I'm not around. And it ain't that she's done anything particularly bad to me. She hasn't. She's even been a right polite guest at the shelter, even though at times I get the idea she thinks shes just a little too good for a place like Blackburne. Nothin' she's said, just an attitude.

Last night I took a break from unloadin crates, and walked over to Nack's place, and when I started to come in, I saw through the window Mister and that girl dancing again - and they was dancing _real close_. I seen him push her away, which I must confess I laughed out loud, but they kept on dancin' for a long time. Finally I walked into the bar, and he got a drink, and she kept on dancin...but he didn't. I don't know what to make of it.

She kissed him goodbye. I didn't like that at all. Not one bit.

I left and ran into...well, someone I've been watchin since the day I arrived. He's a tall man, and somethig about him scares me, and fascinates me at the same time. He has tattoos, lots of 'em, and he has a mate named Laurein or something like that. I talked about her last time I was writin', she's some kind of cat or wolf or something.

She's beautiful and dark, and when I see them together, there's some kind of ...I don't know what...that makes me want to learn whatever it is she knows. I talked to her for a long time a month or so ago, out on the porch. She was ever so friendly, and nice...not scary like she looks when she's swirlin around on the dance floor. It's not a bad scary in a "I gotta run away" kind of way. Its just..well, overwhelming. And thats the thing about her mate, this tall man I ran into last night. I feel like I cannot speak in his presence. I feel just overwhelmed. No human ever has had that impact on me, and I don't know quite what to make of it.

Last night, he spoke to me. He even offered to help me with my work unpackin' boxes. Imagine that, _him_ helpin' me unpackboxes. That just would not be right at all. Later, he asked me to dance with him. I ran straight away. I don't know what it is that has me so unsettled around him, but its undeniable. It's just mighty unsettlin' and I just have to keep backin' away. I don't think he's out to do me no harm, or anything like that. He's just different.

I wish Miss Shaylin was here. She might be able to help me. I do feel like I need help, because when I am around this tall man, whose name I don't like to say, I feel overwhelmed. Like he's a tall glass of water. I don't know any other way to put it.

Well not only did he speak to me, he chased me down when I ran away, and I tried to do him a little damage, as I have been known to do. He was not phased _at all_. He spoke to me, and then his face changed and lights was everywhere. I stepped closer to him, but I meant to step back. I don't know how that was...My mind was saying 'step back..get away', but my feet moved forward and then I was inside the lights. He said some things - things that don't bear repeatin' even in this private book here - but turns out he is actually 'different' to most of the folk around these parts. That explains a lot of why I have such a fear and fascination ....

It's all just mighty unsettlin'.

another neko neko neko

hey yah, hey yah, neko neko neko...

It's like a song almost, and it should be the Blackburne theme this month. I ain't never seen so many Nekos and Feral Mutants on one small piece of rock as I have seen here in this past month. Even Archer's sportin' a tail and ears.

It's the ferals, the anthro-mutants, that interest me the most. They got some serious skills, but seem to not require as much food and such, or at least don't need to eat as often as the Nekos and the other humans around here. Me, I can get by a long time without food.

I saw one of the Ferals today, eatin what looked to be a human leg. Blood was squirtin everywhere like it was still fresh flesh. I wanted to ask her where she got it - maybe it was a Reaver leftover, although I don't think they have leftovers - but just in case they been in close, would be good to know. But she ran away as soon as I got close.

I can't help it, every time I see one of them, I wonder if they use a litter box. I don't mean no disrespect, but they do have cat ears and tails. Then there's Miss Lauren, she's a BIG kind of cat lookin' thing. Ain't seen her for awhile. I think she's real pretty. I am never sure if she's dressed up in a mask and fake tail, or if she's really an animal. Her mate, Maikar, sure looks like an animal, and he's a human, so I'm guessin' she is too. But I don't know. I can't imagine _her_ eatin' a leg of man, though.

after all is said and done....

Mister Neutrino slept with me two nights, then he was gone. Another one of his disappearin' acts. Maybe he wasn't comfortable on the shelter cot, but if that was the case, he should have said something. I had some extra pillows and sometimes, if there's an extra cot, we stack one on the other and it feels something more like a bed. But he didn't say nothing. He was, in fact, gone when I woke up. Suprised me, really. I was kinda lookin' forward to having some coffee with him, and some of the strawberries I've just got in. But no, I waked up, looked across the room where he was when I went to sleep, and he wasn't there. Cot was all made up. Not a sign of him. I don't know when he left, or where he went.

Some girl, forget her name, blonde girl with not enough clothes on, came by asking if I'd seen him. She said someone told her he might be in the shelter. She didn't look like she'd ever seen the inside of a shelter, thats for sure. I took an instant dislike to her, not sure why. I'll think of a reason later. But she just rubbed me the wrong way, showin' up lookin' for him. Anyway, I told her he weren't there, and she said "That's good!" and left. Not sure what's good about it. I really did want to have coffee and watch him wake up.I ain't seen him wake up since that time in the woods.

I saw him that very night, and he didn't say more'n two words to me. Well, he said a lot more than two but they t'weren't very nice. Me and Imrhien was out for a cruise and got shot down over the Wastes over on Hale's Moon. We found shelter soon enough, and didn't run into any scary things that could eat us and kill us (in that order), but we did get buzzed by Alliance ships. Okay, it was more than buzzed. It was shot at. But, we didn't do half bad. Imr is a natural born leader, coordinating the defensive maneuvers, even her body language was signal which way to go. I did a lot of sneakin around and drawing fire (which is probably what Mr. Neutrino most objected to), but to tell the truth it was exhilarating, and I never felt more alive in a long time.

I spent most of the day, other than gettin' shot at, up in a tree guardin' Miss Jayne. I hope she hears what I tell her, and remembers it when the time comes.

Bump

I got a little forward with Mister Neutrino, and got my feelins hurt. I'm ok now, but something bad happened. I was in the shelter and Imr came to make sure I was ok. I love that girl. She's always got my back, and I know she's one to trust. So she came in, and I got up to talk to her, and I said "bump". I'm not sure why I said it. I was lookin down at her. She responded "Bump?" and then she fell to the floor. Blood was EVERYWHERE and I watched her sufferin and bleedin' out all over the place. I tried to heal her, but couldn't. I shouted, but no one came. So, I ran to the bar, to get Chol, cause he's the best medic in the 'verse, and Imr's one of his girls too - and he came runnin.

She was still layin there. He tried to talk to her, but she couldn't move. Then Chol started yellin at ME to get out - of the shelter I am workin' in! I didn't go and he kept yellin at me to get out. Then he told Miss Amyla to watch me and not let me go anywhere. And he told Mr. Neutrino the same thing. Like I did something bad.

Later, he told me he plain don't trust me. That bad things happen when I'm around, people just get 'hurt' mysteriously. I feel less and less welcome in Blackburne with every passin' day. I offered to leave, but Miss Imr told me please to not go, and I told her I wouldn't but I don't know how long I can keep that word.

I didn't do anything to hurt her. I didn't even have any weapon drawn. All my weapons was still on my body, and I didn't have no fist fightin on - there is just no way I did anything that could have hurt her. And it happened _so fast_, it was like, saying the word 'bump' made her fall to the floor and just about die.

I'm afraid to get around anyone, afraid something bad will happen. Ain't no one understands me, and I ain't got no one to go to for comfort. I'm just waitin for Mr. Nack to tell me I'm not welcome to the bar anymore either. I already feel like an outcast, not being a dancer, and not even bein asked to be one on the amateur day. Now I'm being ostracized as some kind of bad luck charm.

If they only knew, the only thing keeping them from being...well, that doesn't really matter, I guess as long as I can stay, I will. I want to. I want to be part of the family. I thought I was. I don't think so anymre. You'd think Chol of all people would know what its like to be a little different. But he seems to think him being different should be just fine and dandy, but my bein' different is reason for not trustin. His own wife is a little more like me than he knows, and he don't have no trouble gettin close to her. And his girl Imr - well, she's got a touch of the colors, and there ain't nothin but trouble going to come from that.

Makes the drama of Mister Neutrino and his inability to give me what everyone says he's wantin' to give me pale by comparsion.

Next things...

Last night was a night that was...very strange indeed. I danced with Mister Nightfire for a good hour, and every so often we would pull me up to him and look at me real deep and not say anything. And when that happened, ifn' we was dancing to slow music, I would start to feel funny and raise up off the floor.

I was hopin no one would notice, but by the end of our dancin', we was a good two feet above the dance floor, lookin' down at everyone else. Nack was watching us and laughing, I don't know if he noticed we was up high, though. I tried to get us back down but I couldn't.

I try, I really do try, to not raise up like that, or forget and just hang in the air or from a roof or something and sleep, or relax, and usually I do a good job of it. I think only one time someone saw me floatin' down by the zombie places, and that was after my "ordeal".

But now, I'm afraid everyone will know there is somethin' different about me.

Some new fellow came in asking what I did there. Not people, but me specifically. I told him I ain't no one really. Ain't no reason he or anyone else needs to be thinking too much about me.

But back to the dancin. Then he said he would I walk with him. I said yes and I did, but he didn't say a word. Not one word the whole time. We walked 'round the block, back to the shelter where I'm sleepin' now, and I opened the door. I stepped inside. I thought he might step inside to at least see it. He ain't never been in it and while its not great, its a lot better than sleeping on crates and getting woke up by zombie bites. But he didn't step inside. I turned around to see if he was comin' in and he was just standing there, lookin sort of to the left, then the right, them around the corner, then up to the sky. He looked up a long time all across the expanse of sky.

Then he looked back at me, and held my gaze almost as if my eyes were that same expanse of sky. We stood there for some time. I don't know how long. It could have been five seconds, or five minutes. I started to speak and he put his finger to his lips as if to say 'quiet'. He drew his gun, silently, stepped back from the door, edged around the building. I was so frightened and don't know what came over me. Why was I not in on the fight? But, he came back walking around and I was still standing there at the door.

"I don't need protectin'" I said. "No, you don't" he responded. "I didn't say I was protecting _you_, did I". "You had to agree to do two things as payment for my taking you to get that left fixed.".

"You're right", he said, "I still have to answer the question. Ok. I will answer it straight as you ask it. "

"Does the Alliance pay you to keep tabs on me?", I asked him, for the last time.

"No, x0. The Alliance does not pay me to keep tabs on you. I'll go you one further: They don't pay me to report on you, or anything to do with you. Its true your whereabouts are my job, but you don't need protectin', I know that. But it ain't the Alliance pays me to do that job".


I got my answer. In the name of honesty, in the name of what is fair. He surely answered my question, but that ain't sayin' he answered my prayer. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.