Goodbye Baby Blue

I wish I could say I woke up in the Wastes with no memory of what had happened. Unfortunately this wasn't the case. I remembered every single moment.

The meeting

It was pretty simply put. Stay and fulfil the obligations that my name "entitled" me to, or leave and cut all ties with my family.

I was given three days to think about the "offer". There was no counteroffer, no compromise, no second chances. I looked at her there in that cage of glass and realized that would be me if I chose to stay. And in twenty years of so, that would be my daughter. And in twenty more, my yet to be even thought of grandchild. And twenty more...well you get the general idea. That is the price of "freedom"? I failed to see where the "free" was in that equation.

The other option, sever all ties with my family had some equally dire..or in some cases maybe worse...consequences. The Shelter's "anonymous donor" would cease to make donations. It was them all along. Neutrino would cease being paid to "watch over" me, and he'd be likely up for some kind of military disciplinary action for letting me escape in the first place. I'd never see my mother again..not that there was much to see this time. There was almost nothing behind her eyes.

There was however enough there for me to see that she would not want me to endure a forced mating, bear a child I would never know, and end up like her - on view for "important people" who had something Blue Sun wanted. For that small "gift", they could see the genetically guided - not altered, but created - female that was just a few generations away from offering them everything their hearts desired in terms of human weaponry. There was enough there for me to see that everything inside her was screaming "Run Sarushka. Run". I head her. That was my name. My real name. Sarushka.

I will always be x0x0 however. I can't go back and change who I became. I can only take control the best I can anyway of who I am and will be. And who I will not be. And I will not be heir to a huge chunk of Blue Sun Enterprises. I will not be a human experiment in progress. I will not be part and parcel of exploiting planets and their inhabitants.

I will not.

They did not take my decision well. Oh there were not any pleas to change my mind. No grand attempts to change the way things were destined to play out. There was simply a very fast trip out to the wastes. The doctor looked straight in my eyes as he began to peel the skin off my hands. "You won't be needing these". He thought I am sure that I wanted him to stop. He was wrong. Nothing gave me more pleasure than to have every last trace of "hands of blue" removed even if it meant the painful removal of my coming of age skin.

When he was finished...and he did not go particularly quickly....he unstrapped me from the chair and shoved me thru into the cargo hold. There I made the acquaintance of one of Blue Sun Enterprises' more gracious members who did offer me a cup of water. How kind, I thought.

"Enjoy your water, x0x0. It is probably the last drink you'll ever have. But just in case you do make it more than a day, you won't be needin' those clothes. Take em off". What was my option there? I could kill him right there, but so far 'd been able to avoid any way for them to file any formal charge against me. So I took off my clothes and covered myself with my cloak.

The ship took a sudden drop to maybe 20 feet above what I recognized as The Wastes. The door opened. I didn't have to think to hard to think what was next. He was going to shoot me and shove me out the door. I closed my eyes thinking "Ok. This is it. I won't fight. I won't bring all hell down on my friends..for where else would I run if I was to just make this all stop...".

It seemed like hours. Days. I'm sure it was only seconds. I heard him speak "You won't be needin this where you're goin" I heard him say. "You'll be gettin a browncoat soon enough - if you survive". With that he shoved me out the door.

Hitting the ground with raw hands, naked and more than a little shaken I found a rock to crawl under. And there I stayed until something very unexpected happened.

Ten more days

Maybe I dreamed it. I don't know. I only know I woke up and it was ten days later and there was no sign of my mother or my grandfather or the men around. Oh, I'm still here alright. That much hasn't changed. But I'm not wearing the dress now. Matter of fact, I'm stark nekkid and none too comfortable. There's a black suit, looks like man clothes, hangin' in the closet here and I guess I am going to have to put them on if I'm thinkin' about doing a little "explorin". Last thing I want to do is be caught again and be nekkid.

I just looked at myself in the mirror. I don't look so much worse for wear as I thought I would. I feel pretty good actually. Only..I'm missing "home". I've come to think of Blackburne as "home" and its hurtin me to be away from home. It ain't just Mister Neutrino. I do miss him pokin and provokin' me but it ain't just him. I do wonder what he thinked when I told him "I love you" before I ran out to get picked up by the family "servants". He must have thought I was completely mad.

But it ain't just him I miss. I miss Imrhien. I miss her more than I can even put in words. And Shaylin. I don't see her much but I seen here right before I left and I think that made me miss her all that much more. Lauralai and Lorie, Nacks girls....I didn't realize how attached I'd become to them. I'm different person than when I first came there. I like the person I became in the company of those folks. I don't mind not havin' "fine foods" and all those other things. I would just rather be..home...even the thought of that gorram cat doesn't irritate me as much as it should. I hope she's not getting cat fur all over my sheets in the shelter.

The Shelter. Oh how I worry about that. I don't know that anyone is bringing in any food or clothes for the people, or letting them know there's a place there for them to settle in and get to know folk. A safe place. Now what is it? I don't know. It's goin' on two weeks now...and food don't last that long.

What's going to happen to me here? When is this big meeting I've been called to attend? And where the hell are my clothes? I want some answers.I came all this way..not for this. I'm going explorin.....

Letters from "home".

They did not pick me up until some 3 a.m. But when they did, I found myself in a really nice suite specially prepared apparently to show me the comforts Blue Sun has to offer. Nothing was spared. Even the video screens had been programmed with what were my favorite films when I was growing up. There was someone 'in attendance' for me every moment until we made it to Whitefall. Unobtrusively but still in attendance.

Approaching the mountain near what passes for a Settlement - the place where Shadowbroker brought me what seems like ages go - we glide down over the desert sands to the sounds of music. They're playing "Sarah Brightman" on the player and we're gliding over the sands...the same sands where I was fed knock-out food bars and abandoned by Shadowbroker. It makes no sense to me still. He brought me where they wanted me to be. He brought me to where I wanted me to be. But at the end of it all, I ended up fightin' off all those Alliance fed squads and being 'rescued' by Neutrino. If only Shadowbroker had TOLD me what was going on. They make such simple things complicated. And now, having passed several months and what must be several other planets, I realise Shadowbroker really has gone to work for Blue Sun.

Blue Sun. That name strikes such anger and sometimes fear. Yes so they bring in trade and food and medicines. Yes, all of that is fine and good. But there are the experiments. I know better than most about those. As I learned in the recent letter, I was one of them.

Did I write about "the letter" before? I can't remember. Doesn't matter. Bottom line is my mother is being held "under the mountain". That must be why I wanted to get under that mountain. I must have known, at some level, that I would find her there. My mother. I never knew her. I grew up thinking she and my father had been killed, and that the couple who raised me - that I called Grandfather and Grandmama - that they were kind people who took me in. I had NO idea they were my real father's parents. My real Grandparents.

I knew about the 'requirement' for a Zhangsun to intern with Alliance but ...no one had told me about the extra bit where I was going to be required to take a mate. Somehow the interest of Blue Sun seems to have permeated the 'lliance. I don't know what I'd have done if Neutrino hadn't let me escape. Now I don't know what to do again. I'm walking back into the Lions Den, the only difference being this time I know there are certain conditions attached to what they want from me, and that gives me at least a little bit of leverage.

So anyway...we approached the mountain, hovered over it and then it just opened up and down we went. Down and down and down. I don't think I have ever been so far down under ground. When I thought we couldn't go no further, we went even further. Then as quickly as we started, we stopped. A funny thing happened then. No one moved to get out of the ship. A door that I didn't know existed opened up in my room and it was just....silent. Dark and silent. I waited a little while and then decided I may as well go on a sigh-seein' tour.

I didn't get very far. As soon as I stepped out of the door, netting fell all around me and I was trapped. Why in the hell did they trap me when I had come voluntarily. I didn't bother to struggle. Soon a dozen or so little suited men with blue hands showed up all excited they had trapped their prey.....They started to give me some kind of orders when one of them suddenly noticed what I was wearing...and he screamed to the others "Do Not Touch This One".

The net was immediately lifted, the floor opened up in front of me and a man stood there. I could not believe my eyes. It was my Grandfather.

How could this be. He passed away. I went to his funeral. My Grandmama mourned. But there he was, just as alive as I am right now. Then he spoke. "Hello Little Pea". His eyes filled with tears and he held his arms out to me. I ran to him. I felt safe. I knew it would all be ok. I looked up at him and started to ask..."How is this possible?"...."How are you here?"...."How could you let me just be fed to the Allia..", when he put his finger to his lips and said "Shhh." So many questions and not a lot of time. Let's get you to see her while there is still time. There is time for your questions later.".

He took me by the hand and led me into the next room. The door opened and I saw a woman standing inside a blue glass box. She was wearing a dress just like the one I had been sent. She was wearing shoes just like the ones that had come for me. Her hair was the same auburn as mine. Her eyes like mine. She looked at me. She opened her mouth to speak and I fainted.

....to be continued