Also....

Catherine

2011-04-29T05:24:00.000-07:00

I need a temporary respite.

I am turning control of the company over to my adopted daughter, Catherine.

Things have gotten out of control in Research division. I should not have reinstituted it. I should not have trusted _him_.

I will not make that mistake again. Can't really, seein' as he's not around to trust.

And now, the work begins. Again.

Still.

new directions

2011-02-12T21:18:00.000-08:00

People wonder why I spend so much time in the Wastelands. Isn't it obvious? It is the last place I saw him. It is the last place I had hope. And now, it is the last place I will ever go again.

The guilt over Samuel has been eating me alive. And now, I am starting to think that I should end all of the research now. All of it.

Nothing good has come of any of it. Grandfather, dead. Mindo, Dead. Mother, locked away forever in what passes for living. Shadowbroker, Missing. Lily, Missing. AuroraBlue, unstable. The science, nothing but chaos.

The only thing that remains, that makes any sense, is to focus on keeping the supply of products up, and try to hold on until it happens. At the same time, I know I can fix it. I know I can.

I just don't know if I want to.

Tonight I met with some new customers, and have arranged for the sale of some product in new markets. They are getting a good product at a good price. And I am helping destroy the parts of the Core that made so many things possible - so many things like Grandfather, dead. mindo, Dead. Mother, locked away forever in what passes for living. Shadowbroker, Missing. Lily, Missing. AuroraBlue, unstable.

Nothing but chaos.

And now, I find that Ardra is not a stranger after all....

Samuel

2010-11-23T17:20:00.000-08:00

I was going to tell him.

I was.

Now it's too late.

((the story of the destruction of the Destiny enclave can be found at the blog of Cody Winterwolf. I told him the story .....he can't tell anyone, but if you're interested....))

Miss Fargis

2010-08-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

is likely to be in a heap of trouble soon. Lily is becoming more and more suspicious.
Me? As if I don't have enough trouble, with Krenshar breathing down my neck.

"Tell me, what was I" he insists. And I'm just about ready to tell him. I mean, I have no choice really, now do I. One way or another, he will find out.

And then what.

According to Plan

2010-06-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

A number of visitors to my office leads me to believe that someone may know more than they are saying about the little item that is missing from Lily's house. I think its time for me to pay a visit. What is it they say about greeks bearing gifts....

On another more cheerful note, brother dears will is being read today. The company attorneys are such weasels, delaying things until they get their pound of flesh from him. I think some people will be in for a surprise, but then maybe he changed things since our agreement. Who knows.

The riots and looting in the town seem to have calmed some, but there are Alliance troops positively every where. You'd think the feeling of dread that comes every time I see that familiar shade of purple would fade, it being almost three years now, and Major Pepper having cancelled the "one day" I owed them. You'd think. But it's not fading. It has become, if anything, stronger, and I can taste the bile rising up in my throat when I am forced, because of some stupid "agreement" to talk to them.

And then there is Anna.

Am I his keeper?

2010-05-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have done all that I can do to help Mindo. He has gone to far this time.

He has raided my apartment, and stolen clothing. CLOTHING. Shampoo. Perfume. Makeup. I know it was him because the security feed showed him coming, and going. And when he left he had pinned three of my skirts around him, in some grotesque parody of me.

He has truly gone too far.

I know enough to get this sorted out, with Ardra and Lily. I do not need him. In fact, I am convinced he is truly dangerous. Not just deluded and crazy but dangerous. I need to talk to Seana about it. He needs to be sent away. Locked up. Permanently. He convinces them he is 'well' every time; they release him, and the next antic is worse than the one that landed him in trouble in the first place.

No mattter what I do how much I try to help him, he hates me. And if he knew what I'd done to Lily, and to Krenshar, he'd hate me more. I let him think he controls so many things, including me.

Oh. He's at the door now. He's just landed outside my place, and he's motioning to me up here to come and "look what I have". The man has dyed his hair red.

I best go see what this is about. If I don't come back, well, assume the worst. I get a powerful sense of confusion from that man, but I can't not go down there. I can see Lily just sittin' there, and him, all gussied up .....in some bizarre approximation of what he must think is me. What's he up to. Surely he doesn't expect people to think he's me.

I've let him believe he was in control of so many things. Maybe thats part of the problem. It stops now. Time to confront the truth. If only he wasn't wearing my skirts.

Better Days

2010-04-24T20:08:00.001-07:00

There was an explosion in the lab. Lily and Gallagher were doing who knows what, and the next thing I knew, there was smoke, fire and one broken device.

I haven't seen her since. Nor him. Maybe they ran off together. Wouldn't be the first time the the Doctor has taken Lily for an adventure. Timin' couldn't be worse.

I paid a visit to one Mercedes Celestalis' office, to discuss a business matter with her. She was not in. There was, however, a note addressed to Lily, and some familiar looking containers. I took them, figuring I could give them to Lily back at Hales if they checked out safe enough.

They didn't. The twins, named Shiny and Specialness, looked like Lily. Likely they could have been created from eggs taken from her during the short time she had some organic functioning. Wouldn't be past Mindo to have extracted them "for the future". I'd ask him but he's still unconscious from the explosion. That presents another set of problems, as I need him to unwire these guns from my forearms. I didn't need them after all, but better prepared than not.

I'm weak from the process, though, and that's not good. Not good at all. I've had to take a lot more rests. It's good I've relocated in Destiny. It's a good place to hide. I can sit on my porch and look out, and its not easy to see me from just about anywhere.

The red egg in the jar, well it was labelled a host, and the most likely donor there, again, is likely to be someone Lily knows, if not Lily herself. The woman, Mercedes, challenged her to guess who it is. That ain't gonna happen cause I've sent the specimen off, to keep it safe. Last thing Lily needs is gettin' mixed up with that lot of folk. Anyway, I think running it thru a scanner is a better idea. If there's code in there I recognise, then its pretty sure its from the cub. That's not as serious as it sounds, as that material will self-destruct. But if it's not. ...if its someone real...a real, whole, complete chunk of material - and its someone Lily knows - who knows what she would want to do with it.

I told Miya about torching the specimen in her lab. I shouldn't have done it. I don't know if she believed me about why I did it, and how it happened, all so fast, but I hope she did. It's true. I respect Miya. She's a good scientist and could be a good friend, if'n I allowed myself to have friends. As it is, I keep her, and everyone just about, on the outside, just a bit. Safer. For them.

The new offices are coming along nicely. Miss Emma is, as always, doing a wonderful job of keep track of this and that - and Toby is learning to work the desk Lily did a nice job setting up the place. She even put in a one way mirror for me. Course, she forgot to put my name on some of the alarms so I can't really get a good read on the place remotely, but as I'm stayin right upstairs, how remote do I need?

Saw Cody tonight. He's not seen Lily either. But we both can see a huge Firefly class ship shes towed back to the moon It's just sittin there. She ain't painted the name on it, but I heard she's calling it Aldea II.

Kind of like me. Sitting. Watching'. Waiting.

Brothers

2010-03-17T09:13:00.001-07:00

Mindo is back.

Unannounced.

Great.

The Tock is Clicking

2010-02-04T12:19:00.001-08:00

Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Merrily goes the clock.

It is a clever game, an intricate dance, an elaborate ritual - played by robots, AIs, scientists and sometimes, if you are lucky, the pieces fall into place and all you have to do is pick them up.

I am not so lucky in this case. While the pieces are as they have always been, there are still ways in which the plan could be disrupted. In particular, one Mister Krenshar Magic.

I am not sure he realizes, and at the same time, I am certain he does. She is, after all, his daughter. And he should, one would hope, do the right thing.

Thats the thing about giving them their own will. They can make decisions.

Lily has made hers.

AuroraBlue made hers.

Let's see what Krenshar will do when put to the test.

If things go well, things will truly be as they should be. At least for the time being.

If they do not, then nothing I have written will matter as there will be no one left alive to one day find my book and read it.

The sand was delivered. Nothing in the 'Verse can stop it now. War is Coming.

Only this time, we will be ready.

Putting things in order

2010-01-25T10:06:00.001-08:00

The Christmas Walk is now just a memory. Hundreds of people went through it, and I would say it was a success. Always good to see people smiling.

Lily is safe and home. So Seana is smiling. That means Sabrina is smiling too. That's good.

Aurora is...well, she is no more. Everyone can breathe a bit more easily, at least until Krenshar finds out. Not sure how he will take the news. Still, it was an accident. Sheriff Gallagher will attest to that. No one saw anything that even remotely resembled foul play.

Imrhien has returned to town. She is in fine form. Glad to be shot of the responsibility of flying someone else's ship, and looking for all the world like the pilot she was born to be. I might see if she wants to work for us. We could use a good pilot. Well, I could use a good pilot. A lot of things coming up that are going to require someone with a rather special skillset. Now that her head's clear, could be she's the right one for the job. If not, well, its good to see her home anyway.

Krenshar is well settled into his compound. Seems he's got a lot of activity over there. I resist the urge to see what he's up to. I probably don't want to know. Unfortunately, just keeping my eyes off his business is not enough to keep me separate from it. I just hope he does not go totally mad. Its quite possible he will understand. In fact, if things are going as planned, not only will he understand but he will help with the next things.

General has kept a lid on any trouble that might try to brew around the landing pads. Lucky for the few who did come in without giving the tower a hail first, he also spent a lot of time resting. Sleeping in fact. Seems quite comfortable up there in Seana's office. Maybe he should think about taking a job up there. He's got a sharp eye and he's trustworthy.

Sobi and Jade are gone. You could see that one coming. He was not meant to settle in one place, and she needed to see the world. You'd think she'd had seen enough of it but, well, lets say you could just see it coming. Vaya Con Dios my friend. Safe travels and safe returns.

Word is Lilia is going to be takin' on some of the bar work. She's a good woman. Good manager. Cute too. Sassy. I like that. If I wasn't already committed to seeing things through with a certain Commander, I might be tempted to see if that one would like to keep me some company.

But, love is a funny thing. Some people can be in love and still experiences all the delights the 'Verse has to offer. Seems to work for them real good. Others, once they feel the Love Bug bite, they are hooked like a fish could be hooked on good hook. Don't even mind the pain. I'm one of the latter. Still, time to time I still see something or someone that captures my attention. Never lasts. I don't let it. I know you are likely to go where you look. So, I don't look on anywhere near a regular basis.

Miss Jai is in transit. Again. Not sure what to make of that one. Still, she's a good source of information. And her friend Deese, well she's right comely.

That handsome Sheriff Gallagher has been lurking around quite a bit. I do not know what Lily sees in him. Well, I do but I can't believe what I see. He's crass, prone to using the law to his own advantage, and is about as cold as a cold stone. In fact, the only time I've ever seen him be kind was to Lily come to think of it. He's awfully protective of her. But he's a hard one to get a handle on. I'm sure he's one of the good guys, so other than running the occasional check on his activities, I think its pretty safe to just let him have free access to the facilities. Not that I could stop him anyway.

Emma has done a great job keeping the office in order. Don't know what I'd do without that girl. I wish I'd been able to keep her better housed and better paid. Maybe this year things will pick up. Since taking the company in the direction of research rather than manufacturing, funds have been tight. I'm seriously thinking about bringing some of our factory holdings back, reactiviating some of the employees. I see that food here on Hales is getting in shorter and shorter supply. I can't see putting Emma to work as a farmer, but she could manage a factory along with her other duties. It would all be automated anyway.

Nack and his crew continue to run the Friendliest Bar in the 'Verse, and I seen Sentry and Lorie are now working there. That Nack has a way with business, you know. He's a fine fellow. Seein' Lorie hooked up with Sentry was kind of a surprise but a good one. He seems like a good enough sort.

I need to spend some time with Miss Miya. I think we have some common interests, at least that is the impression I got during the time Sanctuary was in this section of the Verse. Since its due to reenter here real soon now, I won't wait too long.

Things are all pretty much sorted.

It's time to honour my promise. One day with Miss Pepper. She has questions. I have answers.
And, although I know she is one of "them" what I left all that time ago, so as not to end up like my mother, I also think there is a depth to her that includes more than a desire to rise in rank.

I guess I will see.

Well, of course I will see. How could I not.

The question is, what will I see? And has she really thought this through? Taking me, even for a short period of time, into the most 'secret' of secret places. It is said that when Uncle Simon broke my mother out of the facility, that first time, the men who managed it received a visit from an Operative.

I hope the same does not happen to Major Pepper.

Yearly Duties

2009-12-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Walk was successful. Lily did a nice job implementing my design. She added a few things here and there, but for the most part it's exactly as I pictured it. It reminds me of happier times.

Mindo's memory game seemed quite popular. I have to get it packed up and shipped back to him. I wonder if I will see him before the end of the year. In some ways I would like to see him, in other ways, I wish he would just disappear and stay gone. The last I heard he actually was infatuated with the doctor over on the Drift. I'm not surprised. She has red hair after all, and Mindo has his little fetishes.

Imrhien is still in absentia. Mindo won't tell me where he left her. I worry for her constantly, but am helpless to do anything to help her.

And, then there is Pepper. Major Pepper, of the Alliance Special Investigations Unit, to whom I must submit myself for a day. I wonder if that day will ever come, and if it will ever end.

Of course, it will never end.

Open House

2009-11-03T09:58:00.000-08:00

The office move is completed, just waiting for the furniture.

The Compound is coming along nicely, and two of the units are rented.

The transportation system was delayed, due to some sort of problem with the Dharma folks needing to focus their efforts elsewhere, but I'm assured things will proceed and be completed without any further delays.

This is all good.

Not so good, Cody. Cody seems to be having some effect on Lily. I've warned him to stay away from her. With any luck, this will make him try to see her in secret, and I can observe her reactions without other complicating factors.

Everything is proceeding according to plan. Even Emma has joined Special Projects Division.

The only thing missing is a certain golden coin.

Where are you hiding, little one? Do the slavers know what they have?

I tracked them to Botany Bay and the intel I picked up there both spoken and unspoken was enough to indicate that while I likely could manage to get to her, and maybe even extricate her, this would happen again and again unless a strong signal was received by her "hosts".

It was not the sort of signal that benefit us all long term. So, I went to the best person for the job. Seana Kawanishi. Mayor of Hale's Moon. Lily's adopted "mother". Auroras....guardian.

Seana said she will deal with them. I have to wonder, does she have any idea what they have?

Somehow I think she does. Or she soon will.

Imrhien

2009-11-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

She insisted she had to take Mindo to the institution.

She insisted.

Now she's missing, he's missing, and no one seems to give a damn - after all, he's not wanted and she's a free woman havin' taken her leave from the confines of MacLaren's.

My real question is, who took who?

Special Projects

2009-11-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

Mindo did not make it to the institution.

He and the pilot are missing, and have been since the day they were supposed to arrive there.

No one told me because I was otherwise occupied trying to get Krenshar away from the Alliance.

Some deals you just have to make. One day of my life doesn't seem like such a price to pay for getting Krenshar out without them having the chance to look more closely at him. They had only managed to get the brain out. They hadn't made it to the core code. Even if they had, they wouldn't have had time to unravel it.

So he's safe.

Me, I'm waiting for Major Pepper Siamendes to tell me "we had a deal".

Speaking of Mindo...

2009-09-04T06:16:00.001-07:00

...the Magnificient. A Legend in his own mind. That's not fair, actually. His mind is...complicated. I think a lot of the time he isn't even aware of who he is, or where he is. He appears to be almost driven, in some out of control desire to fix someone or something. It has always been this way.

Word has it he's been spotted on the Drift, hiding out in the hills. He's not been causing any trouble, so I've just put him out of my mind, until now.

But now, I need to bring him in. Lily has been disappearing a lot. I don't know if she's spending time with Mindo, or if she's just off on a hunt, or what. I just know she is not around very much at all. And, last night, Seana mentioned that when she *is* around, she seems to be digging, almost obsessively.

That is not good. That is not good at all.

Add to this mix of events my trip to Caliban. Krenshar has been "experimenting" with various organics, and finding them "messy". I asked him to show me his lab, and he did. It was more like a slaughterhouse. Caliban is a dangerous place. I went unarmed and unafraid. Fear has no place in my mind, not now. The replicant seems to be looking for something to 'fix' Lily and the cub.

Seems we have the same goal. Isn't that interesting.

Let's hope I don't have to resort to the same methods.

I did make Krenshar a little promise. Something that I think he might like to get ahold of. Someone actually. I don't know how I feel about that. Mostly I feel nothing.

But its time. Now I just have to find him.

Where are you hiding, Little Boy?

She's started digging

2009-09-04T02:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I stopped in Fook's, just to check up on "things" in general. Sabrina was there with Seana. Seeing her took me a bit by surprise. I always forget the effect she has on me. There is something about her that is so mesmerizing, so ...I don't know what it is actually. It's just always been that way, since the first time I saw her sitting on a little round cushion at Firefly's, back in Blackburne.

There she was, all by herself, wearing jeans and a shirt, not all dressed up by any means. Yet she was the most beautiful woman in the place. She had an intensity in her eyes that her big glasses didn't even begin to hide, rather they magnified. She was so...thoughtful. I could almost watch her mind working. Well, truth be told, I could, but I did not allow myself to do it.

Last night was the same. Seeing her triggers a lot of memories of Blackburne. But they are my memories. I can't take in all of the rest. It's just too much. For now.

People think because I have a good intuition or can "read" that its just something I do all the time. Truth be told, I rarely do it intentionally. It took years for me to be able to do it intentionally. Initially, it would come as flashes of just knowing things. It wasn't until I was halfway through my time under Neutrino's command that I began to have more control over the "knowing".

Maybe such things are just not supposed to happen until you need them to. And there is no doubt I needed to know, to survive. If I hadn't read what was going to happen in the next seven days before I was released from my Alliance internship, I would have stayed right there on that ship. If I would have stayed, I would not be here today. I'd be under the glass , with her, or I'd be not here at all.

I wouldn't be here today to try to find out what it is that drives them to the things they do to us. What do they want? Who *are* they? It's not just Grandfather and the company. Yes, he co-founded the company. And yes, they do all of these experiments. But there is more to it than that. Why is a replicant - one that supposedly has nothing to do with us - so concerned with Blue Sun projects. Why did Mindo select Seana Kawanishi's DNA to be the human female DNA for AuroraBlue?

And speaking of Mindo. ...

Too many cooks

2009-08-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

..spoil the soup they say. In the case of the soup over in Fook Yoo's, they must have had at least a dozen or more cooks. It is the most awful thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. And, I made the mistake of saying so to the cook - LilyBell Snoodle - who looked more angry than hurt. If she only knew how it is for me to look at her, and just continue about business as if everything is the same. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

Mindo is on the loose, who knows where, but last I heard he was seen on a freighter heading for Prosperity. What he thinks he will do there I have no idea. True, he's not wanted for anything. He's broken no law. He's got no warrants out for him. Even if he did, I'm sure he'd manage to get them "taken care of". He seems to always manage, somehow. But just the fact that he's out there, planning and scheming some way to "fix" ...well. it just makes my blood run cold, and it takes a lot to accomplish that.

Aurora, minus Blue, made it safetly to Ariel. I plan to visit her right soon, as I need to make sure everything is working right. She's carrying a very important piece of technology, although to her its just a shiny pretty thing with her baby picture engraved on it. She's only what...maybe six years old physiologically now, and psychologically probably about the same. The coin only ranges to somewhere in early puberty, so there is time....if nothing happens to push things in a bad direction. All the biotech experiments in the world couldn't have anticipated what's happened here. Aurora is actually "loved".

That has the potential to change everything.

I've hired Emma, a local girl, to keep an eye on things for me. I've got Lily digging - mostly just to keep her busy and out of trouble and stop her sneaking around and spying on me - and building some rail track which I'll likely replace before the train is even completed. She's strong, and never tires, so something that keeps her good and busy is a good thing. I saw her walking through the town with a young Alliance officer last week. That concerns me. But, she's not really my concern. She's Seana's. Thats just the way it is.

Nack has put a pleasure bot chip in his warbot, which brings to mind images I could just as well do without. He's a stubborn one, Mister Barnes, a very stubborn one. Good thing he's got his girls to keep him in line. That does remind me, I saw the old scavenger Tarlek was camped back outside Firefly's. Something about him troubles me. I don't think he's a bad man, but I don't think he's the most stable man and for some reason, Lily has taken to inviting him to come over for "tea parties". So far he hasn't come, but what if he does? Next thing you know he will be piling his "scraps" outside BlueSun, and won't that just be peachy.

I need to talk with the local doctor, Gallagher, about Dharma's continued involvement in the Rail project. I need some actual physical labour, and seems a lot of local folks don't really want to work over here on the BlueSun Corporate Holdings. Maybe that will change as we expand into the main town. The recreational area is on hold, because I simply can't find anyone to work here. I suppose I can bring people in, but I really didn't want to do that.

Personal life ways, Nene and me ain't no closer to resolving our differences now than we were before I took up residence here. I ain't even shown him the house I had put up. My girl Emma is living in it mostly, I'm spending most nights in my office. She seems like a good sort, so I've put in a few things I would have waited on - hot water for the bath, special medically equipped soft cozy bed. Just hope she doesn't have occasion to use it.

Transitions

2009-08-12T08:48:00.001-07:00

If anyone asks me, AuroraBlue LittleBoots is doing just fine. She comes and goes like any child might, and isn't showing any signs of being 'different' other than the spots - like her mother's - that come and go. She is growing a bit more at a small acceleration compared to children per se, but all in all, nothing out of the ordinary.

She is just fine.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Now, time to find Mindo and put him away where he can't contradict me. Or hurt anyone else. It's time for him to get the help he needs, and if he fights me, I will take him down. I'm not going to dance around him any longer. No more trying to convince, coddling, reasoning with the criminally insane.

His reign will end.

When it rains...

2009-08-04T14:28:00.001-07:00

The stage is set. All the players are in place. The only question is, will good win over evil?
I hope so.

I don't know them well but I have come to see goodness in the citizens of Hale's. Oh, they are an interesting lot to be sure. But good people. Things are happening fast. Faster than I thought they would. A young girl from Hales, name of Jai, told me AuroraBlue had said "xyz". Several times. She said it. I can't believe she said it. I never thought she would say it.

Mindo escaped as I hoped he would. And, he ran for the mines, as I knew he would. And he disappeared - something that would worry me if I had not injected him with a tracking device prior to bringing him in.

Seana knows. She knows. She took Lily on as her own daughter. She has the legal right to make the decision. But the moral right? That's less clear.

I know this. I won't let Mindo make the decision. I won't. I'll kill him first.

Killing. All this killing. Lily wants to end AuroraBlue. It wants to end her, and Mindo. Mindo, he wants to be God. And me? I just want the noises in my head to stop.

Lily ....You have grown into such a beautiful young woman. You really have. You.. Really...Have.

Back to business. Mindo has the key. He *will* give it to me. And we'll take it from there.

Where is wisdom?

Imrhien

2009-07-14T09:50:00.001-07:00

I saw Imrhien and her man, name of Duncan, yesterday. And, being as we've been through so much, I wasn't expecting her to be so hesitant to take a key to my place. But, hesitant she was. It took her a while to comprehend it all, I think. The last person in the world she expected to see was me. Well, maybe not the last, but one of the least likely. And the last place on earth she'd expect to see me would be in front of the family business, specially seein' as I'd disowned them and they me.

But there we were.

The towns people seem happy enough to have us back, which surprises me somewhat. Maybe other people don't hate Blue Sun as much as I've come to hate Blue Sun. But then again, they didn't grow up watching it destroy everyone and everything they loved. In fact, they probably actually learned *to* love, because they didn't have the shadow of the qing ri following them around like some dark day.

Me, maybe I was making some attempt to make up for Mindo's madness. Maybe I wanted to be closer to mother. Maybe I wanted to stop running. Maybe I even missed Nene. That last one, well, not likely, but maybe.

So, anyway...Imrhien. She's the same. More wary, but the same. And she tells me someone tried to grab her, to take her to Blue Sun. Thats not likely. I'd know. There's no where else they'd bring her but here. And no one else they'd bring her to, but me.

Unless..unless when the facility under Shadow was dismantled, some of the workers decided to take "thing" into their own hands. Even so, Mindo was safe. Grandfather at least appears to be stable. Mother will arrive soon. One big happy family.

Back to where it all Began

2009-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Grandfather is ill. Very ill.

I suppose I should feel some sort of sorrow or sense of impending loss. But I do not.

He summoned me, and I appeared dutifully. He asked me to take over for him, as mother was "still missing" and Mindo was "unable at this time".

Missing? I've *seen* her. I know where they keep her. And Mindo? Unable? He's the same as he ever was, totally insane and totally "he can do no wrong".

So why me? And why would I say yes.

Its complicated. That's all I can say.

Complicated.

Gorram Mindo

2009-06-10T16:39:00.001-07:00

I don't have time for this. I really don't.

Lily sends a wave. Seems she's turned on Mindo and just about killed him, got scared she might go to jail, and so called me to see if I could come get him and help him.

Help him? My whole life has been spent trying to shake being the sister of the great Mindo. The one who could do no wrong. The one who did not desert the family. Mindo the Magnicificent.

I wish she'd killed him.

But he is after all my brother, and despite our quarrels, I don't really want him dying at the claws of his prize creation. So, I go to get him. He's a mess. A friggin' mess. Don't think I've seen that much blood and anyone live. But, alive he was, so I called on a friend who owed me a favor.

This friend, name of Imrhien, would do it even if she weren't beholding to me. Thats how she is. But, Mindo bein' such a ..well, lunatic...I figured I'd call this one a special favor because its not something I'd really wish on anyone. I just wasn't in a position to do the job myself.

She took him to where he needed to be taken, and hopefully that's the last we'll hear from him for a while. Maybe they can help him. He needs help. He's not making any sense at all.

I went to his little lab, and most of his things had been gone through. There were little foot prints, too small for any adult human. Not sure what they were but they were all over the place. Hair dye bottles. And, something kind of scary. Photos of Reavers. Lots of them. And attached to each one, a photo of a man. I fear to think what the crazy brother of mine has been doing down here.

Well, Grandpapa and the team have him now. I hated to go back on family property considering they said I was dead to them, but figured they wouldn't mind when they saw I had their darling Mindo. I was right.

Hope they put the son of a bitch in a straightjacket. All the way there he was talking about getting Blue and putting him in the next experiment. I don't know exactly what this means, but it can't be good. Not good at all.

Is anybody out there...

2008-12-06T16:09:00.000-08:00

It was horrible. The fire was all around...and a Reaver was pulling me by the leg out to his "friends" for a late afternoon snack. I could hear Caesar calling out..and Lily..she was there..just right around the corner....but...I was choking on the smoke ..I managed to get out only one cry....that to the man I saw running to my rescue.

Nee tzao ss-ma ? Nee-yow wuh-kai chang?....It came out almost as a whisper.."Do you want to die...". Yet he ran. He ran toward us. He shot the Reaver with some kind of gun I'd never seen. And he rescued me.

"It isn't safe here" I remember him saying. Then I fell unconscious. Next thing I know I'm waking up in an underground bunker...wherever I am. I'm not really sure. And the man...he wasn't a stranger. He was ...it was....someone I have known since I was a little girl. It was my ...brother.

I had not seen him since I left Blue Sun under those rather ...unpleasant circumstances. I did not think I would ever see him again...Not just because I was 'dead to the family' but because he was after all working for Blue Sun. And the agreement was 'hands off'.

Aparently they changed their minds. But he didn't come to try to "convince" me to give him yet another thing they wanted. He was on his way to warn me. And he got there just in time.

We have wandered for days ...weeks now..thru the Wastes looking for an electron Microscope...which we need to make sure I have a reasonable facsimile of what they are looking for. We found one three days ago and if all goes well we may try to make it back to Blackburne.

We have been out to the rim worlds three times now since this 'rescue'. Once to Hales Moon, and twice to some unnamed uninhabitable place...where we got the samples to examine. I tried to let people know I am still alive. I left some things for Lily...and Mindo took some things to Imrhien. I don't know if he got to her or not though..as he's not yet come back for me.

So here I am. Again. In the desert. Again. Alone. Again.

I'm alive....

2008-11-30T16:34:00.001-08:00

Been trying to get this wave out for weeks. Maybe this time it will get thru.

If a man shows up looking for Lily its ok. Lead him to her. She has something he needs.

Only thing..she doesn't know she has it. Just get him to her. He's a friend.

He looks like Alliance. Fact is he is. But he's more than that. He's my brother.

And he's the reason I'm alive rather than left to unconsciously burn up in the Blackburne Shelter.

But I am burned. Just not dead. His name is Mindo. Just get him to Lily. Please. He'll know

what to do.

I'm sorry this has taken so long. I've been trying for weeks...its just hard underground here to get a signal out.

Tell Neutrino thanks for waiting for me. Yes I know he is waiting. I'll be back.

Goodbye Baby Blue

2008-07-18T05:41:00.001-07:00

I wish I could say I woke up in the Wastes with no memory of what had happened. Unfortunately this wasn't the case. I remembered every single moment.

The meeting

It was pretty simply put. Stay and fulfil the obligations that my name "entitled" me to, or leave and cut all ties with my family.

I was given three days to think about the "offer". There was no counteroffer, no compromise, no second chances. I looked at her there in that cage of glass and realized that would be me if I chose to stay. And in twenty years of so, that would be my daughter. And in twenty more, my yet to be even thought of grandchild. And twenty more...well you get the general idea. That is the price of "freedom"? I failed to see where the "free" was in that equation.

The other option, sever all ties with my family had some equally dire..or in some cases maybe worse...consequences. The Shelter's "anonymous donor" would cease to make donations. It was them all along. Neutrino would cease being paid to "watch over" me, and he'd be likely up for some kind of military disciplinary action for letting me escape in the first place. I'd never see my mother again..not that there was much to see this time. There was almost nothing behind her eyes.

There was however enough there for me to see that she would not want me to endure a forced mating, bear a child I would never know, and end up like her - on view for "important people" who had something Blue Sun wanted. For that small "gift", they could see the genetically guided - not altered, but created - female that was just a few generations away from offering them everything their hearts desired in terms of human weaponry. There was enough there for me to see that everything inside her was screaming "Run Sarushka. Run". I head her. That was my name. My real name. Sarushka.

I will always be x0x0 however. I can't go back and change who I became. I can only take control the best I can anyway of who I am and will be. And who I will not be. And I will not be heir to a huge chunk of Blue Sun Enterprises. I will not be a human experiment in progress. I will not be part and parcel of exploiting planets and their inhabitants.

I will not.

They did not take my decision well. Oh there were not any pleas to change my mind. No grand attempts to change the way things were destined to play out. There was simply a very fast trip out to the wastes. The doctor looked straight in my eyes as he began to peel the skin off my hands. "You won't be needing these". He thought I am sure that I wanted him to stop. He was wrong. Nothing gave me more pleasure than to have every last trace of "hands of blue" removed even if it meant the painful removal of my coming of age skin.

When he was finished...and he did not go particularly quickly....he unstrapped me from the chair and shoved me thru into the cargo hold. There I made the acquaintance of one of Blue Sun Enterprises' more gracious members who did offer me a cup of water. How kind, I thought.

"Enjoy your water, x0x0. It is probably the last drink you'll ever have. But just in case you do make it more than a day, you won't be needin' those clothes. Take em off". What was my option there? I could kill him right there, but so far 'd been able to avoid any way for them to file any formal charge against me. So I took off my clothes and covered myself with my cloak.

The ship took a sudden drop to maybe 20 feet above what I recognized as The Wastes. The door opened. I didn't have to think to hard to think what was next. He was going to shoot me and shove me out the door. I closed my eyes thinking "Ok. This is it. I won't fight. I won't bring all hell down on my friends..for where else would I run if I was to just make this all stop...".

It seemed like hours. Days. I'm sure it was only seconds. I heard him speak "You won't be needin this where you're goin" I heard him say. "You'll be gettin a browncoat soon enough - if you survive". With that he shoved me out the door.

Hitting the ground with raw hands, naked and more than a little shaken I found a rock to crawl under. And there I stayed until something very unexpected happened.

Ten more days

2008-07-05T06:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I dreamed it. I don't know. I only know I woke up and it was ten days later and there was no sign of my mother or my grandfather or the men around. Oh, I'm still here alright. That much hasn't changed. But I'm not wearing the dress now. Matter of fact, I'm stark nekkid and none too comfortable. There's a black suit, looks like man clothes, hangin' in the closet here and I guess I am going to have to put them on if I'm thinkin' about doing a little "explorin". Last thing I want to do is be caught again and be nekkid.

I just looked at myself in the mirror. I don't look so much worse for wear as I thought I would. I feel pretty good actually. Only..I'm missing "home". I've come to think of Blackburne as "home" and its hurtin me to be away from home. It ain't just Mister Neutrino. I do miss him pokin and provokin' me but it ain't just him. I do wonder what he thinked when I told him "I love you" before I ran out to get picked up by the family "servants". He must have thought I was completely mad.

But it ain't just him I miss. I miss Imrhien. I miss her more than I can even put in words. And Shaylin. I don't see her much but I seen here right before I left and I think that made me miss her all that much more. Lauralai and Lorie, Nacks girls....I didn't realize how attached I'd become to them. I'm different person than when I first came there. I like the person I became in the company of those folks. I don't mind not havin' "fine foods" and all those other things. I would just rather be..home...even the thought of that gorram cat doesn't irritate me as much as it should. I hope she's not getting cat fur all over my sheets in the shelter.

The Shelter. Oh how I worry about that. I don't know that anyone is bringing in any food or clothes for the people, or letting them know there's a place there for them to settle in and get to know folk. A safe place. Now what is it? I don't know. It's goin' on two weeks now...and food don't last that long.

What's going to happen to me here? When is this big meeting I've been called to attend? And where the hell are my clothes? I want some answers.I came all this way..not for this. I'm going explorin.....

Letters from "home".

2008-07-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

They did not pick me up until some 3 a.m. But when they did, I found myself in a really nice suite specially prepared apparently to show me the comforts Blue Sun has to offer. Nothing was spared. Even the video screens had been programmed with what were my favorite films when I was growing up. There was someone 'in attendance' for me every moment until we made it to Whitefall. Unobtrusively but still in attendance.

Approaching the mountain near what passes for a Settlement - the place where Shadowbroker brought me what seems like ages go - we glide down over the desert sands to the sounds of music. They're playing "Sarah Brightman" on the player and we're gliding over the sands...the same sands where I was fed knock-out food bars and abandoned by Shadowbroker. It makes no sense to me still. He brought me where they wanted me to be. He brought me to where I wanted me to be. But at the end of it all, I ended up fightin' off all those Alliance fed squads and being 'rescued' by Neutrino. If only Shadowbroker had TOLD me what was going on. They make such simple things complicated. And now, having passed several months and what must be several other planets, I realise Shadowbroker really has gone to work for Blue Sun.

Blue Sun. That name strikes such anger and sometimes fear. Yes so they bring in trade and food and medicines. Yes, all of that is fine and good. But there are the experiments. I know better than most about those. As I learned in the recent letter, I was one of them.

Did I write about "the letter" before? I can't remember. Doesn't matter. Bottom line is my mother is being held "under the mountain". That must be why I wanted to get under that mountain. I must have known, at some level, that I would find her there. My mother. I never knew her. I grew up thinking she and my father had been killed, and that the couple who raised me - that I called Grandfather and Grandmama - that they were kind people who took me in. I had NO idea they were my real father's parents. My real Grandparents.

I knew about the 'requirement' for a Zhangsun to intern with Alliance but ...no one had told me about the extra bit where I was going to be required to take a mate. Somehow the interest of Blue Sun seems to have permeated the 'lliance. I don't know what I'd have done if Neutrino hadn't let me escape. Now I don't know what to do again. I'm walking back into the Lions Den, the only difference being this time I know there are certain conditions attached to what they want from me, and that gives me at least a little bit of leverage.

So anyway...we approached the mountain, hovered over it and then it just opened up and down we went. Down and down and down. I don't think I have ever been so far down under ground. When I thought we couldn't go no further, we went even further. Then as quickly as we started, we stopped. A funny thing happened then. No one moved to get out of the ship. A door that I didn't know existed opened up in my room and it was just....silent. Dark and silent. I waited a little while and then decided I may as well go on a sigh-seein' tour.

I didn't get very far. As soon as I stepped out of the door, netting fell all around me and I was trapped. Why in the hell did they trap me when I had come voluntarily. I didn't bother to struggle. Soon a dozen or so little suited men with blue hands showed up all excited they had trapped their prey.....They started to give me some kind of orders when one of them suddenly noticed what I was wearing...and he screamed to the others "Do Not Touch This One".

The net was immediately lifted, the floor opened up in front of me and a man stood there. I could not believe my eyes. It was my Grandfather.

How could this be. He passed away. I went to his funeral. My Grandmama mourned. But there he was, just as alive as I am right now. Then he spoke. "Hello Little Pea". His eyes filled with tears and he held his arms out to me. I ran to him. I felt safe. I knew it would all be ok. I looked up at him and started to ask..."How is this possible?"...."How are you here?"...."How could you let me just be fed to the Allia..", when he put his finger to his lips and said "Shhh." So many questions and not a lot of time. Let's get you to see her while there is still time. There is time for your questions later.".

He took me by the hand and led me into the next room. The door opened and I saw a woman standing inside a blue glass box. She was wearing a dress just like the one I had been sent. She was wearing shoes just like the ones that had come for me. Her hair was the same auburn as mine. Her eyes like mine. She looked at me. She opened her mouth to speak and I fainted.

....to be continued

The dress

2008-06-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting in the Wastes for extraction to Whitefall since last night.
I suppose this is some sort of psychological ploy to make me 'appreciate' them picking me up.

They should know better.

Ten days

2008-06-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in ten days.

Hale's Moon has taken a number of hits and Imrhien got captured but she is ok. Well, she is shot up and has some broked bones but she is ok.

Amy got beat up in one of the attacks. She's ok and the baby is ok.

Mister Manny left Blackburne cause he didn't like Imrhien marrying Aeon. Aeon is a fine man and I think a good match for Imrhen. My only thinkin there is about someone..the Lieutenant...and I know that she is..well...I just ain't got nothin' else to say. What will be will be. I will stand by Miss Imrhien come hell or highwater. Or both. Better both actually, maybe the water could quench the fire....

Miss Lily came into the shelter and slept next to me, no hissing involved. Probably because I was asleep. I saw her today too. She's now got fur on her chest. As much as I hate cats, I must admit she's kind of cute. Wild, ok maybe feral ...nothing like Kari. But then Kari is full grown lioness and Lily is..well, I ain't sure what she is. Some kind of not a cat cub I guess. Human in a way. Kind of reminds me of a rabbit I had when I was a child.

Mister Cobb Compton stopped by to visit twice. He's a nice man, real respectful. His pants could use some mending though. He's good in a fight.

Mister Lance stopped by, and met some new man who showed up - name of Nidor. Strange one, Mr. Nidor. Says he has some document that if I read it I will agree to help him. I don't know about that. But I'm interested in what its about. Should have read it when I found it soaking in his wet coat.

Miss Abigail stopped by but I was asleep. I seem to sleep a lot lately.

Oh, and we had a slumber party , me and Imrhien and Ash and Cobb (sort of). Cobb left before we got down to the girl talk.

Mister Neutrino ain't been saying much but he seems a might protective of me in a way that ain't all that familiar. I'm not sure what he wants. I like to tease him though and we have more fun than when he was paid to watch me. Well I think he still is, but he is keeping more of a distance and less like an old mother hen.

Oh, and I got a letter from ...I can't hardly say it...my....Mother. Along with a document that told all about where I came from and why I see things the way I do sometimes. Well, it didn't say why but you don't have to be a reader to read between the lines. "Experimental". They *are* keeping her in Whitefall under that mountain. I was right. And this time I don't have to fight to get in there.

I've been summoned by the Zhangsun clan to a meeting - the only way I can actually talk to her in person they say - and they're sending an envoy for me. Will it be one, or twenty, or one of their special operatives I don't know. Will the send in the men two by two to scout first? I don't know. But I know I have to go.

How do I know? They sent _the_ dress. Its time for me to take my place as the head of the family and that means assuming certain responsibilities for the family..er...business. Of course I could decline but then I'd lose the protection I've had. I wouldn't be 'immune' to questioning by Alliance. I would be just another Browncoat.

That don't sound so bad to me.

But I won't know until I am actually there and hear what she and they have to say what I will do. Being the top bean of Blue Sun could have its benefits. But some people think I wouldn't actually be able to make a difference. I'd be just a figurehead. Just a Zhangsun at the helm to keep up with tradition.

Some say it'd be dangerous for me cause if I was to get dead or anything, thats the end of my family interest, and the others take over. And then, war. Others say I could make a difference and stop some of the bad practices, and do more to promote the good ones like health care and food and clothing.

What do I say? I say I need to wait for their wave and be ready to go. There ain't gonna be any goodbyes this time. With any luck they'll come for me in the darkness and I'll not be even seen dressed up like ..well..like the heir to Zhangsun interest in ...I can barely bring myself to say it....Blue Sun Enterprises.

Yes a lot can happen in ten days.

Miss Shaylin

2008-06-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

...has taken a leave, and I feel a bit lost without her. I remember when I first met her.

I watched her dance, and she was, well, just fascinatin'. I had never seen anyone move like she did, with such flowing grace that could turn and spin circles around you without you even knowin' it. She had the prettiest clothes I had ever seen - looked expensive and probably were.

Then I found out she was a Companion, and the rich clothes made sense - as well as the dancin' like no one else. She was trained in all those arts, and then some.

I was real surprised to find out she was a Daywalker. She was the first one I ever met. I didn't ever have no fear of her, though. In fact, I gave her a supply (not mine, but some I had access to) when she needed it.

When I had my 'accident' with Shadowbroker, and came back all broken up in pieces, not rememberin' my own name, let alone anything else, it was Shaylin that took me in, like I was her own girl. She petted me like I was needin' to be petted, and kept me from hurtin' my self or anyone else. Ok, so she locked me in and I didn't like that...but it was for my own good.

She helped me get some of my mind back, too. She never pressured me, just loved me into it. Shaylin ...I used to look for her every night, from the first time I ever saw her, because to see her felt like I was seeing a place I wanted to be. Its hard to explain. Now, she's taken a leave, and I don't know when, or even if she's coming back.

What hurts most is that she didn't even tell me goodbye. I found out she was gone when I went to see her and her bed was not there, and there was a copy of a note she'd sent to someone from the Companion place saying that she had to leave us. She was afraid she'd hurt us or cause some problem. I remember her sittin' by herself in the bar the last time I saw her. She didn't look like herself. She was pale, and dark at the same time. She was talkin' to no one.

And then she was gone.

Funny how I can remember her so clearly, and yet there are other things that are completely blank. The Companion House sets empty now, except for the occasional new Companion that stops by. They never stay. I suspect they never will. Shaylin is supposed to be there, and ain't no one else going to quite fit in that space.

The very worst part of all this is that there is no way to find her, and help her if she is in some way sick. I'd rather see her well and not here than here and sick, but in the ideal world, she could be with us and well. I'm sometimes accused of being too optomistic, but let the accusations be damned, I do think its possible. Love is a mighty powerful thing.

Mighty Unsettlin'

2008-06-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote in you, dear diary, and thats for two reasons. One, I've been busy trying to get the shelter restocked ever since _whoever_ came thru and left with all the food. I got some good donations from Downing residents, and Saturday night went over to pick them up. They were small in number, but of high quality - some fresh apples, and some new (not used!) shoes - but less than I'd hoped for. We ain't got no men's clothes, and our women's clothes are runnin' mighty low. Still, food - especially fresh food - is good to have, and I'm assured there will be an ongoing supply from the good people of Downing.

They have lost so much in the past month - most of their main town destroyed, so many dead - yet they have time and heart to care for the needs of those who have for whatever reason ended up in a place with not much food even - well, I jus can't stop thinkin' how in some ways, we are all so much alike. But in other ways, there's no denyin' we're different, and ever time I make a run over there, I am reminded that I am, at the end of the day, a fugitive even if no one is actively huntin' me. I guess they can keep an eye on me easy enough, knowing where I am and all.

This brings me to the second reason I've not written. I've been having some back and forth talks with Mister Neutrino. He's a good man. He really is. I don't care if where I met him he was wearing grey and sportin' a purple belly, he's a good man. He helped me escape that hell they had planned for me, because he's a good man. I think its pretty clear he has some feelings for me in addition to my being his 'job', because when it became not his 'job' any more, he stayed around.

He don't have to follow me all the time anymore, and he doesn't...fact is, I kind of miss it, which means I must have some feelings for him too. I can't remember them as well as people tell me, I don't remember bein' "in love" or any of those things they say I was, but I do know that right now, as I stand here, I am mighty protective of him. Sometimes I feel like the tables has turned and its me watchin' out for him.

Which brings me to Miss SavannahSue Whats-Her-Name. I don't think she's particularly good news for Mister Neutrino. It ain't that I'm jealous, although truth be told I do feel a bit of irritation at the way I keep findin them dancing when I'm not around. And it ain't that she's done anything particularly bad to me. She hasn't. She's even been a right polite guest at the shelter, even though at times I get the idea she thinks shes just a little too good for a place like Blackburne. Nothin' she's said, just an attitude.

Last night I took a break from unloadin crates, and walked over to Nack's place, and when I started to come in, I saw through the window Mister and that girl dancing again - and they was dancing _real close_. I seen him push her away, which I must confess I laughed out loud, but they kept on dancin' for a long time. Finally I walked into the bar, and he got a drink, and she kept on dancin...but he didn't. I don't know what to make of it.

She kissed him goodbye. I didn't like that at all. Not one bit.

I left and ran into...well, someone I've been watchin since the day I arrived. He's a tall man, and somethig about him scares me, and fascinates me at the same time. He has tattoos, lots of 'em, and he has a mate named Laurein or something like that. I talked about her last time I was writin', she's some kind of cat or wolf or something.

She's beautiful and dark, and when I see them together, there's some kind of ...I don't know what...that makes me want to learn whatever it is she knows. I talked to her for a long time a month or so ago, out on the porch. She was ever so friendly, and nice...not scary like she looks when she's swirlin around on the dance floor. It's not a bad scary in a "I gotta run away" kind of way. Its just..well, overwhelming. And thats the thing about her mate, this tall man I ran into last night. I feel like I cannot speak in his presence. I feel just overwhelmed. No human ever has had that impact on me, and I don't know quite what to make of it.

Last night, he spoke to me. He even offered to help me with my work unpackin' boxes. Imagine that, _him_ helpin' me unpackboxes. That just would not be right at all. Later, he asked me to dance with him. I ran straight away. I don't know what it is that has me so unsettled around him, but its undeniable. It's just mighty unsettlin' and I just have to keep backin' away. I don't think he's out to do me no harm, or anything like that. He's just different.

I wish Miss Shaylin was here. She might be able to help me. I do feel like I need help, because when I am around this tall man, whose name I don't like to say, I feel overwhelmed. Like he's a tall glass of water. I don't know any other way to put it.

Well not only did he speak to me, he chased me down when I ran away, and I tried to do him a little damage, as I have been known to do. He was not phased _at all_. He spoke to me, and then his face changed and lights was everywhere. I stepped closer to him, but I meant to step back. I don't know how that was...My mind was saying 'step back..get away', but my feet moved forward and then I was inside the lights. He said some things - things that don't bear repeatin' even in this private book here - but turns out he is actually 'different' to most of the folk around these parts. That explains a lot of why I have such a fear and fascination ....

It's all just mighty unsettlin'.

another neko neko neko

2008-06-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

hey yah, hey yah, neko neko neko...

It's like a song almost, and it should be the Blackburne theme this month. I ain't never seen so many Nekos and Feral Mutants on one small piece of rock as I have seen here in this past month. Even Archer's sportin' a tail and ears.

It's the ferals, the anthro-mutants, that interest me the most. They got some serious skills, but seem to not require as much food and such, or at least don't need to eat as often as the Nekos and the other humans around here. Me, I can get by a long time without food.

I saw one of the Ferals today, eatin what looked to be a human leg. Blood was squirtin everywhere like it was still fresh flesh. I wanted to ask her where she got it - maybe it was a Reaver leftover, although I don't think they have leftovers - but just in case they been in close, would be good to know. But she ran away as soon as I got close.

I can't help it, every time I see one of them, I wonder if they use a litter box. I don't mean no disrespect, but they do have cat ears and tails. Then there's Miss Lauren, she's a BIG kind of cat lookin' thing. Ain't seen her for awhile. I think she's real pretty. I am never sure if she's dressed up in a mask and fake tail, or if she's really an animal. Her mate, Maikar, sure looks like an animal, and he's a human, so I'm guessin' she is too. But I don't know. I can't imagine _her_ eatin' a leg of man, though.

after all is said and done....

2008-06-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

Mister Neutrino slept with me two nights, then he was gone. Another one of his disappearin' acts. Maybe he wasn't comfortable on the shelter cot, but if that was the case, he should have said something. I had some extra pillows and sometimes, if there's an extra cot, we stack one on the other and it feels something more like a bed. But he didn't say nothing. He was, in fact, gone when I woke up. Suprised me, really. I was kinda lookin' forward to having some coffee with him, and some of the strawberries I've just got in. But no, I waked up, looked across the room where he was when I went to sleep, and he wasn't there. Cot was all made up. Not a sign of him. I don't know when he left, or where he went.

Some girl, forget her name, blonde girl with not enough clothes on, came by asking if I'd seen him. She said someone told her he might be in the shelter. She didn't look like she'd ever seen the inside of a shelter, thats for sure. I took an instant dislike to her, not sure why. I'll think of a reason later. But she just rubbed me the wrong way, showin' up lookin' for him. Anyway, I told her he weren't there, and she said "That's good!" and left. Not sure what's good about it. I really did want to have coffee and watch him wake up.I ain't seen him wake up since that time in the woods.

I saw him that very night, and he didn't say more'n two words to me. Well, he said a lot more than two but they t'weren't very nice. Me and Imrhien was out for a cruise and got shot down over the Wastes over on Hale's Moon. We found shelter soon enough, and didn't run into any scary things that could eat us and kill us (in that order), but we did get buzzed by Alliance ships. Okay, it was more than buzzed. It was shot at. But, we didn't do half bad. Imr is a natural born leader, coordinating the defensive maneuvers, even her body language was signal which way to go. I did a lot of sneakin around and drawing fire (which is probably what Mr. Neutrino most objected to), but to tell the truth it was exhilarating, and I never felt more alive in a long time.

I spent most of the day, other than gettin' shot at, up in a tree guardin' Miss Jayne. I hope she hears what I tell her, and remembers it when the time comes.

Bump

2008-06-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

I got a little forward with Mister Neutrino, and got my feelins hurt. I'm ok now, but something bad happened. I was in the shelter and Imr came to make sure I was ok. I love that girl. She's always got my back, and I know she's one to trust. So she came in, and I got up to talk to her, and I said "bump". I'm not sure why I said it. I was lookin down at her. She responded "Bump?" and then she fell to the floor. Blood was EVERYWHERE and I watched her sufferin and bleedin' out all over the place. I tried to heal her, but couldn't. I shouted, but no one came. So, I ran to the bar, to get Chol, cause he's the best medic in the 'verse, and Imr's one of his girls too - and he came runnin.

She was still layin there. He tried to talk to her, but she couldn't move. Then Chol started yellin at ME to get out - of the shelter I am workin' in! I didn't go and he kept yellin at me to get out. Then he told Miss Amyla to watch me and not let me go anywhere. And he told Mr. Neutrino the same thing. Like I did something bad.

Later, he told me he plain don't trust me. That bad things happen when I'm around, people just get 'hurt' mysteriously. I feel less and less welcome in Blackburne with every passin' day. I offered to leave, but Miss Imr told me please to not go, and I told her I wouldn't but I don't know how long I can keep that word.

I didn't do anything to hurt her. I didn't even have any weapon drawn. All my weapons was still on my body, and I didn't have no fist fightin on - there is just no way I did anything that could have hurt her. And it happened _so fast_, it was like, saying the word 'bump' made her fall to the floor and just about die.

I'm afraid to get around anyone, afraid something bad will happen. Ain't no one understands me, and I ain't got no one to go to for comfort. I'm just waitin for Mr. Nack to tell me I'm not welcome to the bar anymore either. I already feel like an outcast, not being a dancer, and not even bein asked to be one on the amateur day. Now I'm being ostracized as some kind of bad luck charm.

If they only knew, the only thing keeping them from being...well, that doesn't really matter, I guess as long as I can stay, I will. I want to. I want to be part of the family. I thought I was. I don't think so anymre. You'd think Chol of all people would know what its like to be a little different. But he seems to think him being different should be just fine and dandy, but my bein' different is reason for not trustin. His own wife is a little more like me than he knows, and he don't have no trouble gettin close to her. And his girl Imr - well, she's got a touch of the colors, and there ain't nothin but trouble going to come from that.

Makes the drama of Mister Neutrino and his inability to give me what everyone says he's wantin' to give me pale by comparsion.

Next things...

2008-06-02T14:53:00.001-07:00

Last night was a night that was...very strange indeed. I danced with Mister Nightfire for a good hour, and every so often we would pull me up to him and look at me real deep and not say anything. And when that happened, ifn' we was dancing to slow music, I would start to feel funny and raise up off the floor.

I was hopin no one would notice, but by the end of our dancin', we was a good two feet above the dance floor, lookin' down at everyone else. Nack was watching us and laughing, I don't know if he noticed we was up high, though. I tried to get us back down but I couldn't.

I try, I really do try, to not raise up like that, or forget and just hang in the air or from a roof or something and sleep, or relax, and usually I do a good job of it. I think only one time someone saw me floatin' down by the zombie places, and that was after my "ordeal".

But now, I'm afraid everyone will know there is somethin' different about me.

Some new fellow came in asking what I did there. Not people, but me specifically. I told him I ain't no one really. Ain't no reason he or anyone else needs to be thinking too much about me.

But back to the dancin. Then he said he would I walk with him. I said yes and I did, but he didn't say a word. Not one word the whole time. We walked 'round the block, back to the shelter where I'm sleepin' now, and I opened the door. I stepped inside. I thought he might step inside to at least see it. He ain't never been in it and while its not great, its a lot better than sleeping on crates and getting woke up by zombie bites. But he didn't step inside. I turned around to see if he was comin' in and he was just standing there, lookin sort of to the left, then the right, them around the corner, then up to the sky. He looked up a long time all across the expanse of sky.

Then he looked back at me, and held my gaze almost as if my eyes were that same expanse of sky. We stood there for some time. I don't know how long. It could have been five seconds, or five minutes. I started to speak and he put his finger to his lips as if to say 'quiet'. He drew his gun, silently, stepped back from the door, edged around the building. I was so frightened and don't know what came over me. Why was I not in on the fight? But, he came back walking around and I was still standing there at the door.

"I don't need protectin'" I said. "No, you don't" he responded. "I didn't say I was protecting _you_, did I". "You had to agree to do two things as payment for my taking you to get that left fixed.".

"You're right", he said, "I still have to answer the question. Ok. I will answer it straight as you ask it. "

"Does the Alliance pay you to keep tabs on me?", I asked him, for the last time.

"No, x0. The Alliance does not pay me to keep tabs on you. I'll go you one further: They don't pay me to report on you, or anything to do with you. Its true your whereabouts are my job, but you don't need protectin', I know that. But it ain't the Alliance pays me to do that job".

I got my answer. In the name of honesty, in the name of what is fair. He surely answered my question, but that ain't sayin' he answered my prayer. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

Events

2008-05-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

There has been an event in Downing, and right now, we don't know if it was terrorist in nature, or an accident. This is the third time our property has been razed to the ground, and I am getting tired of digging out brick and tracking down family heirlooms. I am so tired. But, I am not as tired as some of the people who are working tirelessly to find survivors. I've been over here three times now, and the thing is, its so quiet. Oh there's stuff going on, people drilling and digging and moving beams and cleaning up broken glass. But the people. So many are dead. ...and that makes for a lot of quiet. But my sense is the quiet is going to be replaced real soon with something worse.

Amyla lost her Grandfather in the event. I lost mine too, but not in this type of event - but I still have some idea how she must be feeling. I suspect she'll be headin' back to Downing to be with her family as they tie up loose ends. I'm going to have to dig out my mournin' clothes again. First time I had them out since my own Grandfather was put in the crypt. I'm thinkin' a lot about that lately, a lot about family things. My Grandfather was such an interesting man - so well travelled, well read, well spoken, the epitome of royalty yet we lived virtually in a cave carved out of rocks. What sense was there to that? It wasn't til I left that I knew othe people didn't live like that. But my grandmother, she wasn't very well travelled or well read - but she had knowledge of just about everything and everyone like they was a book she read. I have so much to learn about them. I am going to have to get up nerve to look at the books they left behind. At least those weren't destroyed. I found it, complete with its Blue Sun logo, on top of a rooftop across the road.

Mr. Nightfire has been spending a lot of time with Imrhien. I don't know what that's about. They went off together a few days ago and came back, both talkin about feelin' so much better since they had been engaging in some personal "sex" sort of play - then they said it was just them playin' a joke on me. But someone told me she saw them together last night, out alone for a long time. And, he ain't exactly been paying much attention to me. Guess after seein' me still alive at Whitefall, he's finally realised I don't need his protection.

Whitefall. That's all still on my mind. I keep hearing it, the same "Don't let her under the mountain". I dream it. I see it. I need to get there. I was almost there. I have to go back. This time I"ll go alone. But it will be awhile, there's a lot to be done in Downing, and I think getting done is important.

comin' round

2008-05-27T13:57:00.001-07:00

I didn't say anything to anyone, but I found some traces of hair on my pillow at home, and they weren't mind.

Coupled with the fact a friend from Hale's Moon mentioned someone blonde was looking for me, I have a bad feelin...

Shadowbroker is back.

He was always one to finish what he started. While at first I don't really like the idea of him coming around (he could get hurt, for instance, if he came too close to me, such as within shootin' distance), he does have some information I want.

Combined with the information Mister Nightfire will give me now that his leg is all restored, I have some hope of at least figuring out what or who was behind the last three/four weeks of confused life.

I wonder if its really him.

On another front, the shelter now has a fridge, microwave, and sleep quarters. And, best of all someone has donated food - ham sandwiches and fruits of various types. Last night, a young woman said she had no place to stay, so I showed her the space. I don't know if he availed herself of it, but if I see her again, I'll tell her there's food now. Who would ever have thought I'd be worried about food. All the stuff in the garden at home, not to mention all the stored good under the house..and I'm totally depending on the generosity of others to help me eat. Then again, others are depending on me, and I intend to do all I can to make sure no one goes hungry.

Speaking of hunger, not sure what that reminds me of Mister Nightfire. I'm finished hungerin' after some attention from him. He clearly ain't interested, despite what everyone tells me - I'm a job, ok, so I'll be a job and make it as easy as possible for him. But I ain't waitin' around forever for him to actually court me. I'd rather be alone. And, thats probably for the best because that's exactly what I have always been, and probably will always be.

Hello Boys, I'm Back....

2008-05-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today was a *big day* for me. I woke up this morning with shards of a blue martini glass still embedded in my right hand. It took me a moment to remember how it got there. I remembered asking Grei, the Firefly's bartender last night, how much the glasses cost. He told me, I paid him the price of ten of them just to be safe, and I crushed this glass in my bare hand.

I don't know why I did it. I only know that I felt angry, alone and like the sight of that glass was not helping.

Looking around, I realised I'd fallen asleep on a crate outside where the zombies hang out. Real smart.

So, it's almost a month since my big adventure, and my once-mixed-up memory is almost 100 percent back to normal. Ok, so I thought I was in love with Mod, but Imrhien explained that this was definitely not the case. She claims I was in love with my rescuer, but I don't remember anything like that. In fact, I remember just about everyone _but_ him.

He seems like a nice guy, as trained killers go. He has a good sense of humour, and smells _really really_ good. That is one thing..the way he smells if somehow 'familiar' to me. But other than that, nothing.

I'll think about that later.

Back to my *big day* today. So, ok, after taking a good look at my circumstance, I decided it was time to put things back in order. So, I declined an invitation to go to a towel party (at least until the jobs were done), and I committed to do these things:

1. Go back to Downing in the light of day and look for my dog Toby.
2. Look for the anonymous donor for the community shelter/sanctuary I've been starting and ensure they expect nothing from me, that I am 100 per cent free to run it the way I, and the community see fit, no strings attached.
3. See what clothes were left in the robbery of my place, and go buy some new ones.
4. See if I can track down the family heirlooms which have been stolen. In particular I am really wanting to find the family Bible and the chair. I'm really wantin' to read more in the Bible and see if there's any notes in there about my real parents. And, I'm really wantin the chair cause once I have it back, I can get someone to put me thru it, and get the rest of my memory back. Or at least there is a chance I could.
5. Dye my hair back to the colour it needs to be.This blue reminds me of that rat Shadowbroker. He made me do it but he can't stop me from puttin' it back. All my life I hated my red hair, and from this day on, I love it, because it is mine.

That is a lot to accomplish in one day - so I'm not too disappointed that I only managed to get finished with item 5, part way finished with item 3, and item 1 is accomplished. Toby is now staying with some people who are home enough to take care of him, and I can visit him whenever I want. I may even take him to Blackburne sometimes. Not all my clothes were gone, so I didn't need to buy many. My hair is good, I'm happy enough with it. No more blue.

That means I still have to track down the stolen things (Bible, chair) and find my donor. Seein' as if I don't find him/her I can't go further cause I ain't got no money left, thats a matter of first priority. Then, I'll worry about the Bible and the chair. To tell the truth, the chair makes me a bit nervous. I have used it plenty of times in my work, but usin' it on myself..well, I'm just going to have to make sure whoever is there with me is someone I really really trust, because the things they say to me while I do it are going to be stuck in my head for some time.

I did make it over to Hale's Moon, and Immi was havin' a real nice shindig, but I had to go as I got a wave that Toby had run off...so now I'm back to lookin for him. I think I know where he is -guess I'll see if I'm right.

...several days later

2008-05-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

My memory apparently was not quite right for the past few days, but I'm clocking at about 95 percent now. Some says 95 per cent of my memory is more than most people run on a good day, so I'm doing 'ok'l

Thing is, there's these thoughts ..,.well, sort of like thoughts ...that won't let go of me. Something happened to me and I don't know how to explain it. Its kind of like my mind had a gate on it before, and I could open and close it pretty much at will. You know, like if I was thinking something or getting a sense off someone, it didn't have a hold of me. I had ahold of it, and while I couldn't do whatever I wanted, I could close that gate pretty much all the time.

After my recent 'excursion', its like _everything_ in my mind is way louder than it ought to be. And, it ain't just louder - it is all mixed together and I can't pull out the pieces. They're like shards of glass in my mind. That's the only way I can describe 'em.

I told Shaylin about it...at least I think I told her. She asked me if some was more 'stronger' than others, but it ain't quite exactly like that. The best way I could describe it was to look back at some old Earth that Was tv program called Doctor Who. There was one of the programs where the Doctors companion got her mind changed. That's what came to mind when Shay was asking me about how it is.

" I take the words. I scatter them in time and space"

Seeing all the possibilities of every thing is a very tiring task indeed.

It just is what it is

2008-05-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin.

Captain and I rode over on his horse to board his fast transport out of what passed for a Settlement, got halfway into the hole where he'd dropped her down, and the next thing I knew he was layin' dead on the ground next to me. Bullet to the head, single shot. Gone.

I ducked down and waited to see where it came from, and then saw them. Grey uniforms. Everywhere. I'd say about 20 Fed Squads surrounding the place, some higher ranking officials who seemed to be giving orders, and two men clearly assassins complete with the latest sniper gear and garb. Don't you hate it when that happens?

So I think, I got to get out of here, someway, somehow...And then I notice they ain't shootin me. They're just watching. Ever now and then, a few of them charge forward as if they're gonna try to take me and I'm forced to put them out of their misery. They must be miseralble, I figure, cause they're purple bellies. I know when I had to wear that unifom I was miserable. Cheap purple scratchy cloth notwithstanding, those guys were out to take me, and they had to be downed.

This went on for hours...what seemed like days....when suddenly I fall asleep again. This time, though, the sleep s because someone gassed the whole area. I wake up, and seeing a strange man next to me, I pull my knife and stab him. He drops me on my head, and I'm out again.

When I come to, I'm back in Blackburne, with Shaylin. She's asking me if I remember last night (which I don't). I rest and medic Chol comes to take a look at me. I'm in and out of for the next few days but I finally wake up.....and meet a lot of people who sayI knew them.

Back to sleep.

Change in Plans

2008-05-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Still dirty. Still sweaty. Still outside this what passes for a Settlement.

Met up with Captain at midnight, as planned, and he told me there was a change in plans.

Three days from now.

That means I have to wait it out three more days. Three more days either back out in the desert, or three more days in one of the Blue Sun labelled crates where who knows what has been. Three days drinkin' from the horse trough. Three days with no food, other than poisoned food bars - and while the idea of sleepin' thru the next few days does appeal to me, I ain't willing to risk not wakin' up or missin my ride out.

Been here almost a week now, I think. Days are soft of melting into one another. Not much goes on in this place. The people that do actually live 'round here either work 'in the deep well' whatever that means, or do 'gardenin' which seems to consist of growing something resembling corn.

Three days. At least food and water are furnished on the ship and I think this Captain is a good guy, so it is likely to be generous. Anything is better than nothing at this point - 'ceptin for poisoned food that is.

Three days. The way we count. Wonder why that phrase came to mind. I'm tired. Must admit I feel a bit dizzy and somewhat lost. Never even made it to the deepest black...now I have to wonder what was in the blood thinners he gave me. Probably water.

Idiot. Him. And Me.

Uh...this ain't right

2008-05-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

Those two little furry prairie dogs or whatever they are....soon as they finished up the food, one of 'em keeled over dead and the other looks to be pretty well on the way to the same place. Something ain't right. I eat and fall asleep and can't remember things right. They eat and fall asleep and die.

I ain't going to eat any more off of these bars Shadowbroker left for me. Now that I think of it, I've been sickly and sleeping ever since I got on that ASREV, more all the time. Bad dreams. Weird dreams. Mixed up. Losing track of time. Forgetting where I am.

He said he drugged me, but I thought he meant one time. That's not what he meant. He meant he drugged me ...with these foods...and I've been being drugged even ever since he left. Tonite's
too important to be hazy. Better hungry than hazy. There's plenty time to eat once I'm home, and as I remember, I had some nice things planted. I look forward to seeing them. And tasting them. And sharing them with my friends.

Tonight's the Night

2008-05-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

And its already late afternoon....slept thru the morning again. Woke up with two little furry creatures nibblin at the left-over food I fell asleep eating. Didn't have the heart to shoo 'em off, they looked so sweet, and anyway, they were good company for me on this already way too hot day. There's no shade here, at least not natural shade, so I'm thinkin' I'll go and rest up in one of the crates. There's no shortage of them, and some of them have tarps on 'em, so will provide some shade.

I have to say this has been some ordeal rather than a great 'adventure'. No more thinkin' with my heart. I need to be able to see whats going on clearly so I don't end up in a mess like this again. There's no reason for me to end up like this. In the past, I would have seen way ahead and not even started down this road. And in the future, I aim to do exactly the same.

First thing I do when I get home is find Nene and tell him I'm tired of him shadowing me around - I think we should start walking together. I can't imagine a world without him, and I want him to know. I am gonna pick up right where I left off, only this time, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'm gonna tell him in no uncertain terms that my thoughts are just for him, and that I'd like it much if he'd like to start courtin' me instead of just following me around. Job or no job, its time for that man to take a good hold of me, and do what I think he's been wantin to do, and the truth is, I'm wantin it too. It ain't never been clearer to me - I love that man.

Hello cowgirl in the sand

2008-05-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Is this place at your command...

Sand and dirt, everywhere. Grit. Its in my hair. Its in my teeth. Its in my eyes. And I love it.

I'm feeling torqued up and ready for action. Thing is, I really need to get out of here unnoticed.

Nothing to stop any of the fine settlers down in that what passes for a settlement from deciding they'd like to keep me for some reason or other. It ain't like there's many women there, in fact other than the dancers, I only saw one, and she looked mean as all getout.

...

I can't believe I slept all day. I mean, I've been asleep since a short time after straight up midnight, and it looks to be about five or six now, sometime early evenin' anyway. I ain't sure, to tell the truth, what day it is. I think its Tuesday, but it could be Wednesday. Or even Thursday. The past few days are somewhat of a blur. I can't seem to think straight sometimes.

I know that tonite I have to get down to the 'local scene' and see if I can talk to Nack and Lo..no, not Nack. I meant a...what's it called. Cargo police. No..pilot. I need to find a way to Eavesdown Docks, or any place on Persephone. That's where I live. My parents must be wondering wh..no, that's not right. I don't live with my parents. I live at where they used to live and work. At the Zhangsun Family Annex and Diplomatic House. My name is x0x0 Zhangsun, and I live in Downing, on Persephone, and I'm just wantin' to get home.

I will go down there as soon as I get some nourishment. Just a little, not a full meal worth. I just need a taste of it to get me thru the feelin out the locals ahead.

...an hour later...

Ok, here I go.

and here I am....

.........several hours later, around 2 a.m....

I think I met my way out of this place tonite. Quiet guy, over in a far corner of the local saloon, lookin' about as hard as steel but with questionin' eyes. He came in about midnight. I heard a couple of the locals talkin' about how hes in every so often with varied small 'cargo' items, some of which he unloades to other merchants who happen to stop in at just the right time and the right place....and other cargo that no one dare discuss.

That cargo he picks up out in the middle of the big mountain out by where I been camping and transports it to Persephone, Hales Moon and wherever his cargo needs to go. Don't matter to me what he picks up, as long as I can hitch a ride with him. Talked to him about 10 minutes, the first 8 of those being small talk and my buying him a drink. Last two minutes we arranged the price, pickup and payment.

Tomorrow night, midnight, we meet up here. If he ain't here, I'm to wait for him and if I ain't here, he'll take off without me. Sounds like every good Captain I've ever known, so I'm in. Payment is half now -with now bein' when I board the ship, but before we take off-and half when he drops me off.

Only thing, I ain't going to Eavesdowne Docks. I was really hoping for Persephone, but it seems its Hales Moon or nothin'. He said Hale's Moon was the only place he was headed and he didn't intend to make no detours. Since he has the fastest ship I seen come or go since I been hidin out in the sand, I figure it's still a good deal. ...

One thing was kind of weird, though. He had a newspaper with a 'missing' ad in it, and it was about me. I can't imagine who would have reported me missing, as everyone that I know knew I was going. They may not have liked it, but they knew. So why 'missing'? Oh I hope my family isn't involved in some kind of hunt for me. That would not be good.

But how would they even know I was not around? Anyway, he didn't recognize
me from the picture, what with my hair cut and blue and all. But last thing I
want is some smuggler knowing I have . He didn't ask any questions, and I didn't
volunteer any information. Just said I wanted to go for a ride, where was he
headed.

...

I'm makin camp closer in to this 'settlement' tonite. I'm feelin really tired. I brought in enough food to make it all the way back to civilization - left a few things back in the mountains, but really needed to lighten up this backpack a bit. Don't imagine anyone's going to 'inspect' it on the way out of here, so the weaponry should be fine - and, almost forgot, the catalyzer Shadobroker said he buried, he didn't bury. He's as lazy as ever. I found it with a 'for sale' sign on it at a junk dealers on the other end of this place. So, looks like he scouted out this place pretty good before this whole thing went down, all the way to finding a place he could sell off whatever he could beg, borrow or steal.

...

You know, he ain't even an honest smuggler.

...

But that's done and overwith. Tomorrow night, midnight, back at the Saloon. Meet up with Captain Ooragnak, ride out to his ship (that's his horse in the photo), and head for civilization. Heh, I never thought I'd call Hale's Moon 'civilization', but guess that shows how one's perspective can change.

Everybody knows everybody

2008-05-05T12:30:00.001-07:00

'ceptin me. Ever been in one of those places where everyone seems to know everyone, and you don't? That's how it was for me in the Settlement bar tonight. Place is so small it ain't even got a name. Just 'the bar'. Still they was welcomin' enough and no one paid me too much attention except for some drunk cowboys who was trying to figure out whether trying to hand-hold me was worth riskin' getting shot...

Didn't see _anyone_ who looked remotely like they could be in the cargo business, but I did overhear two fellows talking about the ships that are passing thru tomorrow and the next day, and the business their captains will bring to 'the bar'. Hear tell they all have full loads, and are only stoppin' for a rest and some recreation on their way across the verse. What recreation there is around here I have yet to see. But, if there are going to be a few Captains come thru here in the next few days, odds seem pretty good I will find a way out. I just have to be patient.

I think I can relax a little. I'm gettin' hungry, but don't want to throw my money around in here. The more it looks like I can't afford much for transport, the better it will be for me. Anyway, I'm really cravin' some more of the foodbars. That's funny to hear myself say because I thought they were pretty much the nastiest thing one could have, but I actually like them now. I'd go so far as to say I got to have one, or I won't feel satisfied. I seem to have developed a real desire for them over the past week or so since this whole thing started.

Anyway, I had a martini (in honour of Commander Nightfire, Sir!), and watched some local girls dance. Made me homesick for Firefly's, and Shaylin, IsabellaGrace, Kari....

I was going to write more about the Settlement, but I have to eat.

Ice Planet

2008-05-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

What I wouldn't give for an ice planet right about now. It's so dry and hot here in the day. At night, though, its cold - way colder than I'm prepared for. I have a few things in my backpack to help make things a bit more bearable, but it's still pretty bad. On the positive side, I fell asleep after I ate last night, and didn't wake up til this afternoon. I must have been real tired, because I went out like a light.
I dreamed I was in Sihnon, and it was festival time. There were flowers everywhere, and the air smelled of sweet blossoms. My parents were presenting me to the Officers for the first time, and all I wanted to do was run through the sweet-smelling air.

So its now almost evenin' again, and I've lost a day. I'm going to head down to the Settlement tonite and do what I planned to do last night - take a look around, see who looks like a person willin' to transport some human cargo. Still no sign of any purple bellies, although I did see some movement from what looked to be a hole down a ways from here. Its rumoured there is a Blue Sun Factory under a mountain on Whitefall - wonder if what I saw could be some folks doing business with them.

Given all the grafitti 'round the crates, I wouldn't rule it out. I know just about everyone hates the Corporation, but its hard for me. I mean, being a Zhang-sun does put a bit of pressure to if not support the business operations to at least not hinder them. But it didn't get me out of having to serve my sacrificial 'duty', and it did let me see what conflict and hatred there is between the upper ranks at Blue Sun and the Alliance. Everyone thinks they are so much into the same bed, but it ain't at all like that.

I'm grateful for all the advantageous being adopted in got me, but being a round eyed girl in a Chinese family wasn't easy. Sometimes I think it was made harder for me on purpose, to make me stronger, to make me push further, and harder...guess it paid off for times like this.

Guess I better get my ragged looking self down to that little Settlement and see whats going on...

How did I get here

2008-05-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

So, I'm outside what looks to be the settlement Mr. Shadowbroker Svenska, never again to be called Shava, cause he ain't my friend -anymore- and I only shorten names for friends, told me about. Ain't much to it.

Been hidin here in these mountains
since last night, and ain't seen anyone pass by that looked like they was following me. My plan was to hole up here and see what the afternoon and evenin' brought..and it didn't bring much. I've still got plenty of water left, and I ain't in any hurry to make it to the place where people are. They probably expect me to run straight for wherever I go....

I wonder if those purplebellies got lost, or maybe they went the other way. The suns comin' up and I've had what felt like a good dreamless rest, and if things stay quiet, my next plan is to head into the settlement early evening, and find out who might be willing to take on a passenger. Thing is, the ships around here aren't located in one place, their ain't no dock.

They don't look very fast, and they ain't very well armed, at least from the outside lookin' in. And there ain't many of them. On the other hand, they do look like the kind of ships that have seen some flytime, and the few people I -have- seen coming and going ain't fancy, so I'm guessin' that for the right price, I will be able to get out of here.

There's lots of grafitti around on the few crates and buildings that make up this what passes for a settlement. 'Resist' and 'No U-Day for Patriots' signs along side of scattered crates with the Blue Sun logo prominently painted on. 'Live life with Blue Sun'. Well, here's hoping I can do exactly that - live life that is. Right. Well I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. Where are the great qing ri protectors when they're needed.....

.

....several hours later

I've had some time now to reflect back on this mess I'm in. It's my own fault. I was thinkin' with my heart and my passion for some excitement, and not with my logical mind. Shadowbroker appears out of nowhere and wants me to go on 'one last job' with him. I ain't seen him since trainin', and he's wantin to take -me- with him on a 'dangerous mission'. How much sense does that make?

First time he's sees me, I'm dancing, wearin' a dress, fancy shoes, and not dressed for battle - in fact, ain't even got any guns on. Its a sure bet he ain't never seen me like that before - for all he knows. I ain't been in any fights for almost five years. My survival skills may have gone light, and I may even be involved with someone and not wantin to go.

So how does he approach me? Like he seen me just yesterday, with this story almost tailor made to get me to want to come with him. He 'needs' me. Its gonna be exciting. Its his last job. It involves flyin, and maybe some fightin, and ain't no one can do it better than me, he says. So I fall for it. My friends tell me they got a bad feelin, but I'm convinced he 'needs' me, and it's gonna be exciting to be back in the black. Flyin. Flyin fast. Outrunning everyone, thinking ahead of them, reading their thoughts....I guess I don't do that so well when my heart is leadin' the way. I think there's a lesson to be learned there.

I was going to say I don't know what that lesson is, but actually I think I do. I can't read Nene. Not at all. Everyone else, mostly I choose not to - either they won't like what they hear themselves thinkin, or its really none of my business, so I just choose to not do it. Usually. Oh, sure, a few times, like with that Zach fellow that came around lookin for Amyla. I read him clear enough, and I don't like what I see. But mostly, I just keep it to myself.

Thing is, that implies its there to keep to myself. With Nene, there ain't nothing. Its like just, nothin. So either my hearts somehow involved where he's concerned, I mean, it would have to be really involved - or he's blockin' it, and he ain't got the gift, that much I know. So it has to bes..it has to be that my heart leads me back to him every time. And I don't see anything when I get there. I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder if he's been given someone else to shadow around. Or, I wonder if he's just sittin' drinkin. I can see him now in my mind, that glass in his hand. He's always getting a refill, but he never actually drinks much of it. A sip, then it kind of spills out wherever he's moving around to.

He thinks I don't notice. Or he knows I do, and doesn't care.

But back to where I go from here. Ok. It was more about the excitement, almost like being back in internship training only without the tong meng watching and evaluatin every move. And now I've got to put myself back in that mode if I want to get thru this. This ain't no game, this is me gettin back or not, and there ain't no room for mistakes. I'll wait til its darker, early evening, and make my way down to what looks like the bar.

This is the path I'll take.

Don't want to look like I got much money, no reason to overpay for my transport out of here unless I have to. Check out the place, see who looks like they may be in the cargo business, and see if I can make an inquiry without raising any suspicion. Place like this, shouldn't be much of a problem. For now, I'd better make work of a hunk of one of these food bars Shav....Shadowbroker left behind for me. I'm gonna need all the strength I got and then some to get thru this.

Whitefall

2008-05-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

I seem to have slept thru the landing on Whitefall. That isn't all I slept thru.

I woke up to find this note on the console of the ASREV. I can't believe it, actually. It doesn't seem real. Yet, I know it is. I just...I just don't really understand.

'Dear X0,

I'm sorry that I don't have the guts to tell you in person, but, well, at least I'm tellin you before it all happens. By the time you read this, I'll be hours away, on my way to pick up the platinum. Thing is, x0, the platinum isn't for those papers. Those papers are going to end up back where they came from. No harm done 'ceptin for gettin everyone all in an uproar to the point they don't notice ...well...never mind that.

The platinum is ...well, its for something else I brought to Whitefall. I don't know how else to say it so I'll just say it straight out. The job was not to bring papers to fence, it was to get you here.

We both know you'd have never come on your own if you knew you were going to be meetin' up with some of your former associates for that long-overdue questioning. And, ain't no way they could get you out of Blackburne without raising more ruckus than they would like to raise. So, they came up with a plan to get you far away from the Annex and from Blackburne, and that plan was...well, it was me. They knew you'd come with me, willingly. They approached me, and offered me more than I could turn down.

I need the money, x0. I need it bad. I went and picked up an expensive habit and, well, its like a demon won't let go of me. I just need the money. I'll die if I don't get it, or at least I'll wish I was dead. But they promised me they wouldn't hurt you, x0, else I wouldn't have done it. Not for no amount of money. They said they just want to talk to you about why you left, something about the agreement, and gettin' it sorted out. I wouldn't do nothing to hurt you, X0. You're special to me, you know that.

Well there's something else. I drugged you. After we left Paradiso, I had to stop off to get some kind of paperwork that showed you really are 'you'. The only way I could do it was to knock you out. I'm sorry about that. I had to do it again when we landed because, well, hell, x0, I don't want to be around when your examiners get here. I don't want to see the look on your face.

I can't stand it even now, just thinkin' about it...I'm sittin here next to you all passed out on the bed, lookin' at you, and you look so innocent and frail. Oh, I know you ain't frail, and its probably just the way your hair falls around your face. I could really love you, x0, I mean, the kind of love that could make an honest man out of me, but...well...a woman like you..I just ain't sure I could survive livin' the way you do now. You're a long way from Zhangsun Province and that walled world you grew up in. You coulda been anything x0, anything. I don't know why you had to go and bail on us. You only had a month left, what could he have wanted you to do that was worth all this?

Anyway, by the time you come 'round, and read this, I figure you'll have about a two hour head start if'n you should want to run. I ain't sayin you should, or you shouldn't but if you do decide, two hours ain't a bad head start. I'll have picked up my platinum, so what you do is really no concern of mine. I did my part of the job. I delivered you, in this ship, and I ain't going to no special hell cause I didn't touch you even when you was all unconscious-like and I could have gotten away with it.

Wish I could tell you how to get off the planet. I'd offer to take you with me, but, well, that don't seem like such a good idea for either of us. Ain't no use in you tryin to start up this ship, cause I pulled the catalyzer and buried it, and don't bother to try to find it, cause its busted up.

I guess that's about it x0. I'd appreciate if you would burn this letter up so that when they get there, they don't see I let you in in the plan. That would be very bad for me. You know, x0x0, I was always figuring I'd find a way to get you out of it, and still get my money. But, well, I guess I didn't plan it very well cause ..well, you're here, I'm pickin' up the money. I guess this is my way of tryin' to do the right thing by you.

I hope you ain't too mad at me, although you have every right to be.

Shava

p.s. Go South. There's a settlement there and you might find some way out of here. Heres all the credits I got for the bio-stuff cannisters in Paradiso, more than enough I think, and all the paper ...never mind where it came from. '

And that was that. Like that he was gone, leaving me here to get picked up by the gorram purplebellies.......or to try to make my way to some settlement ....if it even exists...

He drugged me. That gorram gou shi drugged me.

And now I have to try to get off this forsaken place. Well at least he left me the credits and some paper. Some paper. THATS MY PAPER. How nice of him to give it back minus the bits he used to front himself some of whatever it is he's hooked on.

Well. What's done is done. I don't think I want to stick around here. Two hours head start..hmm...I can do that. Ok, so I feel a bit strange from whatever it is he's been dosin' me up with, but that should pass.

Let's see, what do I need. Foodbars, water, and guns. Lots of guns. Yeah, I can do this.

real quiet

2008-05-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Never saw ships like those before. Pieces of stuff that don't belong on a ship, some metal, some human...jagged things meant for rammin' ....those hooks just waitin to be launched. So close they were.

So close I could see them. Captured this. Look at him. I was so hopin' he would not hear me breathin. Shava said the reason we have this particular ASREV and all these weapons mods is for cases just like this, but that we won't engage unless we have to.

I'm so glad we didn't have to.

We make it to our landing spot at Whitefall in the morning. Shava says the people we're doing business with will come 'round to the ship, and he'll go out and talk to them and I will cover him in case they try anything funny. We're going to take turns flying her tonite, but I get to take her in. I love the feeling of taking a ship in.

Beautiful but ..well....maybe not so nice ?

2008-05-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I captured this when he was just 23 years old. The past 5-6 years have not changed him much, except I remember him a bit gentler. Now there is a hard edge to him, one that I've seen on others but never expected to see on him. I wouldn't be at all shocked to find out he'd been off with women and drinkin more than a few times. He's injectin' himself with so many drugs - not just for the deep space trav'el, or to protect from anything he might have got exposed to in his last little 'exchange', but all other sorts of things. Things I never even heard of. When I ask, he says it ain't nothin but a little help from some friends in one of the Blackout Zones, which don't fill me with a lot of reassurance. He don't seem to answer any question straight on these days. Like 'are we exchanging those documents for platinum in Whitefall?'. You'd think that's a simple enough question, but no......

I'm suddenly feelin very..sleepy..I think I shou..ld...goooooooooooooooooolsaay daasj;kld

One more day...

2008-05-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

if you don't count today. Gettin' to Whitefall takes forever in this tank of a ship.

About an hour ago Shadowbroker asked me if I'd like him take over flyin' for a bit, and I said yes. Truth is I'm not feelin' so good. I don't know how he figured that out; I've been puttin' on a good show of strength and resolve to stay awake and get us to where we're going. Autopilot is good, but there's Reavers out in this territory, and autopilot don't alert you to them. If I can just sleep for an hour or two, maybe I'll feel better.

It ain't 'tired' exactly...its just..well, not myself. He told me he's relieved me a few times from flyin' since we've started this leg of the journey, but I don't remember anything about that. My mind seems to be playin' tricks on me. I thought I saw my Grandfather last night. It wasn't like a dream, it was like real. I could even smell his cologne. I was more than a mite confused when I came fully around. I haven't thought of him for a long time. I only know him from pictures, so how I could smell what I thought was his cologne, I have no idea. But there he was, just lookin' down at me, and I heard him say, 'that's her'. And then I fell asleep. Strange dreams out here in the black.

For now, as I have a chance to get some more sleep, hopefully with no dreams, I should take advantage of it. Shava's brought me something warm to drink - says its good for me and will help me really relax - and he won't leave til I finish it off, so I better get out there and down it. He's very kind, that beautiful boy. I can see why I was in love with him. Those eyes are blue-er than robin's eggs. But he's a scoundrel if ever there was one. There's no safety in his arms, and I ain't hankerin' to be in them. Strange as it sounds, I still miss my Nene. MY Nene? Did I say that. He ain't mine. That's for sure. He's a man unto his own self. Ain't no knowin the ways of a real man like that.

Whitefall Bound

2008-04-30T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm hopin' anyone sees us mistakes us for Alliance Federal Marshals. With any luck, we'll be mistake for a ship maintaining airspace dominance from the outskirts of Haven up til we reach Whitefall.

It's been a while - maybe five years - since I've been on one of these short range enforcement vessels, and I'd forgotten just how powerful they are. Not in terms of speed - they are slow as molasses - but in terms of armaments. I'm countin' ASREV three energy-powered cannons, one 1-pound autocannon with 200 rounds of ammunition, 8,000 pounds of bombs and 16,000 pounds of missiles. We're also carryin' at least three magnetic depth charges. This is 40 tons of bang.

We've got enough fuel for 500 hours, so we're going to have to refuel..not sure where. I don't think this was the best choice for this long of trip, cause it just isn't very comfortable. At least we're not using it on each leg. And, its perfect for our upcoming flight into the deepest black. Now that I think about it, this ship won't make it back to Persephone in anything approaching a reasonable time. I sure hope we have something stashed along the way that can move a little faster. I'm lookin' forward to getting home.

Hancock -> Paradiso -> Hancock

2008-04-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

Ok. So we made the four hour trip from Hancock to Paradiso and are now on our way back to Hancock to put up the ASREV. I will be so glad to get out of here - the whole Georgian system has the Niska imprint on it. I'm hoping the Bowdens Malady ain't contagious. I know its not supposed to be, but, well, being around something like that just makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Not anything to speak of happened in Paradiso, at least that I know of. Shava hopped off the train, and almost literally right back on. I'd say he was only off about 3 minutes. I saw him make some exchange with some locals (or at least they appeared to be locals, dressed in mining gear and lookin' worse for the wear), and he was back on the train. When he said it was a turnaround, I was thinking he meant we'd get off, do whatever it is had to be done, and then catch another train back. I didn't even get off this train, but breathed a lot of that Paradiso air. Still, I'm sure I'm ok. A few breaths out of a lifetime ain't likely to make me come down with the Bowdens, and even if I did, there's always Pescaline D.

I think we're lookin' at about 2 more hours til we're back in Hancock, and can pick up the ASREV. I'm lookin' real forward to flyin' it - but I'm more lookin' forward to getting out of this whole Georgian system. Like I said, something about it just is creepy. I know Niska's been dead a long time now, but it still feels like he is _everywhere_. I'm not as sure as everyone else I've talked to seems to be that things are 'different' now. There's a sinister feel to this whole place, and one that I can recognize, but not identify. Maybe it will come to me later.

So, two hours til we get back, fifteen minutes to the ship, and as soon as its dark, off we go. My fingers are itchin' to get ahold of her controls. This is what I crewed up for. This is where the fun starts.

blue, brown, whats the difference

2008-04-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

The brown hair color turned blue on my red hair. Damn cheap hair dye.

Then and Now

2008-04-30T10:06:00.001-07:00

This is a photo that was taken a week before I left.

And this is me now.

We're just about to get on the train, which I'm now told is a round-trip with just a short stop to exchange some cannisters. He's got them in his pocket. I got a look at them and they look like bio-weapons grade materials. I asked him and he said 'serious platinum, babe', so I guess he's going to make the exchange and be in the money.

That doesn't explain why he had to stay at my house, or why he had to snag those documents from the Governor's office. I really am starting to wonder how well he has planned this whole thing.

At least we're going back to the ASREV and I'm going to fly it into Whitefall. I have always been a better pilot than Shadowbroker, and he says that we need the best pilot to fly us in. That makes even less sense than the rest of the things he says, because Whitefall is not even really civilized enough to have a place to land, I mean, we just sit her down on the friendliest lookin' piece of flat land and that's that.

There is one thing that is weighin on my mind. That's the guns. When Shava was servicin' the engines (these ASREVs seem to need a lot of work, he spends a lot of time in there), I took a curious look in his bunkroom. Now, the boy's known for having guns. And, lots of them. However, what I found looks like an arsenal - even for him. I took this image of them. It's not very good, but it should give some idea of the amount of fire-power he thinks we are going to need. So much for 'no risk' , but then I never quite believed that story. I just didn't think we'd need this much 'help'.

And even more curious is the stash of BFG's _under_ his bunk. How did Shava end up with twenty BFGs? I mean, thats enough to equip a Fed Squad. I managed to get a wave out to a friend in Blackburne, just to let him know things don't seem quite right. I tried to get a hold of Nene, but he wasn't answerin. I hope he's ok, and not too mad at me for takin off...if'n I ever see him again.

I took a trip on a train, and....

2008-04-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

Great. He just told me we're ditching the ship and taking a train at out next stop. Why we're taking this roundabout route to Whitefall, I have no idea.

It gets worse.

I'm supposed to change the way I looks in case anyone is looking for us.

I've decided to take on brown hair, with no red in it at all. With my colored contacts, I should pass for a different person if that need should arise.

Why did we get this ASREV craft if we're just going to ditch it. I ain't even got to fly it yet.

tyen shiao duh

2008-04-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

Athens? He thinks I didn't know it but I seen it on the console. He's takin' us to Athens. Worse, he's takin' us on to Whitefall. Why does he always run back to that forsaken place. It ain't even civilization in the strictest sense of the word.

Ain't no place I'd rather not be except maybe ...well, some places ain't worth namin. Just sayin their name is bad.

Next thing he'll be tellin' me we're headin for Haven.

There ain't nothin' in or on any of these places he's taken us so far. We're just going breakneck speed from noplace to noplace, doin' nothin. Somehow this job is not so much exciting as boring. I don't see no big payoff, and I sure don't see no romance. I told him tonite I want to know the 'plan'. He just looked at me and sort of laughed.

'You'll find out the plan soon enough, when you need to know it', is all he said. I'm sleepin' with my guns cocked tonite. Something I don't like about the way things are soundin. I got a bad feelin' about this. Maybe Amyla and Immi were right, this was not a good idea.

Shion

2008-04-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

Shava hit himself and me with a whoppin' does of voprovalyn. Why we need it, he won't say. I'm guessin' its just his paranoid self. It's time to head out, though. Time for things to go dark.

Isis Canyon

2008-04-28T19:57:00.001-07:00

I was right. We pulled a switch in Isis Canyon - have to admit Shadowbroker did a good job of hiding this one we've picked up. How he afforded something like this, though, I don't want to know. And, we had a little meeting with Mister Haymer on his private island. Can't say I was comfortable there though, as nice as it was. Full of treasures from Earth that Was. It was the Mister himself that made me nervous. Why would Shava be doin' any business with him? It ain't cause he's Alliance that puts me off - their money is as good as anyone elses'. It ain't even that he dealt in bio-weapons, although that didn't help my comfort level none. It was the way he looked at me, and the fact he asked me to leave the room so he could talk 'privately' with Shava. I'm suspectin' they was talkin about me, because I listened at the door, and heard them saying something about 'her Grandfather' and 'just the first of it'. The first of what I don't know, but I have a bad feelin about that man Haymer. The last thing he said was 'she does remind me so of my last wife, Saffron', and he said it to Shava like I wasn't even standin' there. Then he got a real evil look on his face. I was glad to get out of there.

Shion was just a pit stop for the money. I was hoping we would stay there at least long enough for me to say hello to some of the people who had been friends of Grandfather, but Shava said 'to time, sign the papers, get the money, let's go'.

Shadowbroker Svenska. Shava for short. How did I end up here, and why have I given you one years worth of my trust funds when you won't even tell me what the money is for, or what it is we have in our possession that is so valuable you've been fronted a ship worth more credits than you've probably seen in your entire lifetime. You never said anything 'bout needin me to get money to help you finance this operation. You just said you needed me to crew up for you.

And worse than all these mixed feelings....I miss Nene. I never thought I'd say those words.

Out of time

2008-04-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I was all set to have a serious conversation with the Commander. Sober as daybreak, I'd been rehearsin' it all day. He finally asked me to dance, and we did. I told him there was something I'd been meanin' to talk to him about, and just as I was about to get into the details, my datapad went off. Since I have to turn it on and view it to make it stop, I stepped out for what I thought was just going to be a few seconds, only to get a 'wave' from Shadowbroker saying 'it is going down now. come now'.

I couldn't wait. I didn't want to have the conversation and immediately run off, so I just ran off. I asked Amyla to tell him everything if I didn't make it back and she said she would...so off I went. Now, we're flying fast and furiously to Bellerophon. What Shava wants to do on an Alliance moon full of rich people, I don't know. He mentioned something about meeting up with Mr. Durran Haymer, but I don't think that's the real reason we're headed that way. My guess is we're headed out to Isis Canyon to rendezvous with a ship Shave left there. It's not just deserted, but its a pretty good hiding place what with all the rocks and canyons.

It's been pretty clear from the time we met up in Downing that his only interest in me was staying at my place there. I'm wasn't sure why he wanted to stay there so badly, but now its pretty obvious - the job that started in Downing didn't start there as a place to take off from. The job was actually in Downing. Right down the street from my house, as it turns out. I don't know what he took - and as far as I know, neither does he - but it came from the Governor's Office. I'm guessin' its something pretty important. Hopefully no one realised its missing.

We're about to land now, and guess what? I'm going to have an hour to spend at the seaside. My first time ever. I didn't bring a swimsuit but I hear you don't need one here. That sounds good to me.

An hour and a half from now, we take off for Isis Canyon (I was right!), to get the new, more manuverable ship. From there, its to Shion, where we pick up some money. I can't say that I'm really too happy about that. The money is from my inheritance. He didn't tell me when this all started he was going to need this money, but now, we're on the way and I just want to get this job over and get home.

I have unfinished business there.

Waiting in the Shadows..

2008-04-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

Shadowbroker said he'd be sending for me on Monday or Tuesday. Today is Saturday. I'm nervous. I'm afraid not to go on the job - I was always good at catching bad guys, and after I left the ship, I was good at bein' one. I'm not afraid of going into the black. I love it out there. There's almost no where else I'd rather be.

I'm afraid of bein out in the black with _him_. I've made up my mind last week that I'm not in love with him. I don't even like him. But he's awfully cute, and awfully persuasive. Granted, he's never even made any of those man moves on me, and probably wont, but what if he starts feelin' all romantic up there. It is a long way from home for him too.

Two outlaws, a long way from home,out in the black, facing a lot of excitement. I'm afraid. I wish my mind didn't wander like this.

Tonite's the Night..

2008-04-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

Last night didn't go so well. I did get all dressed up like I planned, and I was nice to the Commander. I didn't start any fights, and I even brought him one of his favorite drinks. Usually he asks me to dance at least once, just to pass the time - but last night, he didn't ask me. Not once. He didn't even actually look at me. It was almost like I wasn't there.

Archer observed all this and when I finally broke and had to go outside, he followed me out. He didn't have much to say except to swear at the Commander, and try to hug on me. This time I let him. I even hugged him back, full on. He said he wanted to be my friend, but then he got all excited about, as he put it, 'having x0x0's boobs pressed up against him'. I guess even friends can't help being men, if they's men.

But I wonder, why doesn't Nene ever notice.

Amyla said to go on and tell him - Nene - that I love him. I think that's pretty risky because (a) I'm not sure I do. How do I know what love is? I know that I can't imagine a world without him. I know that sometimes I think about him when I'm falling asleep, wondering how he's feeling, if he's sleeping...what he looks like....I remember that time I saw him sleepin' under that big tree. But anyway, about love, and telling him, (b) What if he don't say it back. You're supposed to get it said back to you, and I always heard it was the man was supposed to say it first. Ok, so maybe he can't because I'm his job, and yes, it's complicated. But...if I say it and he don't, I'll be mighty embarassed, and fell like a fool. Then there's (c) What if he gets mad at me for having feelin's. I was trained to not have 'em, and havin them might make me less of a woman to him, or at least less of a...whatever it is I'm supposed to be...

Whatever it is I'm supposed to be.

raiders

2008-04-25T09:04:00.001-07:00

There was a scout from a raiding party last night making short work of the Blackburne Militia. I managed to get a lone woman off the street and into the cup before she was kidnapped or killed, and I managed to kill a few zombies that were attackin' the men folk. But, I couldn' manage to kill the raider. We had a couple of encouters, real up close and personal. For some reason, I couldn't make my arm swing my blade. There was just something about this raider...I couldn't do it.

Later, the raider ran past as a zombie was bitin' on me, and blasted the zombie to bits. Now, why would a raider kill a zombie that was attackin' me? I'd think to save me for hisself or herself, but the mysterious figure just kept running. Looked over the armoured shoulder and then kept going. Later, the raider came to the cup. I said thanks for saving me from the zombie, but the color-changing raider said only "I came to tell you how it is, Mr. Newspaperman" or something like that.

As the raider was leaving, I called out 'you fight like a girl'. After a momentary pause, during which time I wondered if I was about to be killed, even though I was unarmed - the raider managed to get the door open, and left.

I spent the rest of the night talking with Chol and Amyla. Thats a whole other topic, and one that I'm hopin is settled down real soon. I love those two, and like most of the folks around town, don't want to take 'sides' when theres some domestic 'disupte' - but if saying the truth means there's a better chance they will get thru their first year of wedded bliss relatively intact, then speaking up is what has to be done.

Thing is, Amyla has been talking to her ex, using waves, every day, even since she got married, and she didn't tell Chol. Now, the ex is coming to town t see her...and Chol's upset. I don't know how he can still be so nice, actually, if my mate did that to me, I'd probably kill him. I'm glad Chol is a very patient and restrained man. I wish I was as patient and restrained.

All this and there's that baby on the way. I drift off to sleep wishin' I was havin' a baby. I don't know, I'd probably be scared to death, its so unnatural. But the idea of a baby...it does appeal to me.

Anyway, thats all thats is going on. Raiders, Domestic Disputes, and me wantin a baby.

Don't make no sense at all...

2008-04-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard from Shadowbroker for several days. My ankle is fine, and I'm ready to rock and roll, but I don't know if we're on or not. I guess I can only be ready, wait, and hope. My friends still don't want me to go. I think only Amyla understands how much I _need_ to go because she's agreed to do something for me if I don't make it back from the black. The fact she agreed makes it all more real, and that helps me get ready mentally - and that is what will save my life when push comes to shove, if it does. I still don't know what the job is, but Shava said it's better if I don't know - that knowing would change how I'm acting, and that would tip people off. I don't know how I act has anything to do with this "one last job" of his, but I hope I do it right for him, and I hope it is his last job, because its time for him to settle down.

Not with me, mind you. I think I came to terms with that. I ain't in love with him anymore - not sure if I ever was. Like Amy says about her ex, "he was a lot of firsts...", and that makes him special. The fact that he was with me when I fired my first gun - well that alone makes him closer to kin than just a friend. Oh, I love him, don't get me wrong. I'd do just about anything for him. But, I ain't in love with him.

My new friends tell me I'm in love with the Commander. They're still sayin it - almost every day - that I should just tell him. I might just do that, this weekend. I was thinking of having too much to drink and being loose with words, but I don't want to tell him like that. If I tell him, I want it to be face to face, in a way that's very clear. I only intend to give my love away once, and I want to be all in a right mind when I do it. If I do it. You see, I just need to be sure. And I was...until this new fellow came to Blackburne....And now, I'm not sure.

I lied last night when I said I'd never been kissed. Two days ago, this new space cowboy kissed me before I knew what happened. He probably didn't know it was my first. It made me have a lot of mixed up feelings. If I'm in love with the Commander, why do I find that if I see that guy with someone else, I feel a strangebit of something like 'jealous'. He even said 'you're jealous', and I said 'am not'. And I meant it. But the honest truth is, I was jealous. But I shouldn't be. He plays loose and fast with his kisses, and I think he's just out to get as many of 'em as he can from as many womenfolk as will allow. To be clear, I did NOT allow it. He did it before I could object. And the next day, we went out kissin' with one of the dancers, and then told me about it. I don't know he had to tell me. Like I care.

I went to look at that dancer, just to see and think what it must have been like. Maybe that makes me ...I don't know...strange....but I'm curious about all this kissin and lovin and standing close. I stood close to the Commander before, and it made me feel funny. I don't feel funny like that standing by anyone else, not in my whole life. I can't imagine life without him in it. So why am I running off with Shava, and thinkin' about that kiss that was stolen from me? I don't understand myself. Not at all.

One thing I do understand is that if'n I ever do settle in with a man, I ain't going to lie to him about anything, ever. He can take me as I am, for the woman that I am, or not take me at all. Oh, I figure I'm strong enough to be even submitted to a husband like its says in the Book that Shepherd Flax has, and I know that don't mean he's better than me. It's just someone will have to be the boss at the end of the day. I guess when I think about it like that, its pretty clear to me that there's only one man that I'd want to be he boss of me. And that man isn't the stealer of kisses, or the stealer of merchandise - its the stealer of my heart and he's probably had it for longer than even I know. Yep, I think this weekend I better get 'round to askin Nene if he would like to do some courtin' with me. And sparkin. And the best way to do that is stone cold sober, not during a fight, with clear head and clear eyes, and those three words I've been waiting a long time to say, and probably won't hear for even longer.

Lets hope my courage stays as strong as my feelings, and doesn't change as much as they do.

Fixin to Run

2008-04-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

Take me out to the black
Tell them I ain’t comin’ back
Burn the land and boil the sea
You can’t take the sky from me
Or so I was until I fell into the waste and bunged up my ankle. Archer, good man that he is, rescued me and got me to the Medical Pavilion for emergency 'wrap', and then carried me back to the porch at Firefly's. Fortunately Amy and Chol were still there, and Chol fixed me right up. Unfortunately, this is going to delay my trip with my old friend for a week or longer. Or so I'm told.
It's the blood thinners. I had to take 'em cause we are goin' so deep into the black, and that means in about a week, my blood won't clog me up out there. Only thing is, now that I ain't supposed to go, my bloods going to be mighty thin for any of these moons. If I get even a little scratch, I would likely just bleed out and die. No stoppin it. It ain't likely any of these folks have the thickener, and I can't find any in the Annex, so best I can do is wait it out. It is said to be quite very painful, to go thru it when you are not actually in the black. I guess I'll find out. Or, I might just have to go and hope Shadowbroker takes the safe route.
Shadowbroker. Now there's a story waiting to be told. But that's for next time. For now, its time to ice the ankle and think all sorts of thoughts about all sorts of things.

Walking me home

2008-04-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

So, Nene walked me home again last night. People have asked why I call him Nene...its hard to explain. We've gotten closer over the past few months of him _following me around_. In some ways, I suppose you could even say we've become friends, of a sort.

We've spent a lot of time together saying nothing, and sometimes we've actually talked. I remember one morning, I woke up and he was there, outside my door, waiting for me to wake up - just like he is every day - but this day was different. He looked like he had actually been up all night, guarding.

Maybe its just the first time I'd really noticed past my irritation at being followed around all the time. In any case, notice I did, and the man looked like he had been up all night. His left hand was on the butt of his pistol, his right was free (he would say "for the ice bucket" and laugh), and I suddenly realised that the person who was becoming my friend was becoming more to me than just my former Commander.

I felt a small snippet of gratitude for his watching over me. Never mind that I don't know exactly why he's doing it - except that it was his job then, and its apparently his job now even that he's not flyin' the Alliance flag - and never mind that he refuses to tell me. I do know that sometimes I feel a little fondness for him. I think it started when I tried to make peace and asked him to dance.

It was different. Usually he asks me, and its just to occupy, take up time, spend his time doing something more interesting than watching me. This time, when I asked him, he looked at me funny - I wrote about it before.

What I didn't write was what a long time he took walking me home that night. We did some laughing and every now and my hair would come undone and then he'd go touchin' it, to push it back, and it wouldn't explode (he seemed relieved at that). I felt funny when he touched it, pushing it back off my face. And along that way, we sat down, and fell asleep. Just right there against a tree. Nothin improper. I think I was just too tired to carry on, so he stopped to let me rest, and then he let me sleep.

When I woke up, he was still asleep - sitting there on the ground, against a tree, with his arms around me just as we had fallen asleep. I wanted to say something. I couldn't call him Commander, or Sir, and to say his whole name seemed so formal. So I whispered "Nene" to wake him up. It's a diminuative, a short version of nickname - common back in Zhangsun province, where words are more of a mouthful than on most of the moons. "Nene", I whispered, "wake up...the sun is coming up...".

From that time on, it was the only thing I could call him. Nothing else felt right on my lips.

But this is problem because its so apparent that its back to 'business as usual' for him. He's there to guard me and nothing more. Nothing less. For what, I don't know. For who, I can only guess his former taskmasters - even though hes so much unlike them I can't imagine they would tolerate his insolence...then again, maybe they know he's the only one could guard me without incurring any damage.

After all, it wouldn't do for the Zhangsun family to lose the only daughter, even if she is adopted. And it sure wouldn't do for attention to be brought to the fact that in our dialect, Zheng translates to Blue. I guess that make me pretty 'special', if only for the fact that the Alliance would like to see me gone, but can't afford the cost; the "family" would like to see me return, but only so they could get rid of me and run things totally without any fear of interference. And poor Nene - what's he gotten himself into. At the same time, I have the feeling he knows very well what he's into.

He's a good man. He's got more moral to him than most of the men I've run into.I must be more careful, the stars in my eyes could end up having his reflection in them and that would be a very B A D thing. I still have a lot of adventurin' to do, and a strong hankerin to hook up with my old friend Shava, for one last spin thru the black. I wonder what happened to him, haven't seen him around for so long. He is so different from Nene. They even look different. Funny how they make me feel kind of the same, all mixed up. I want to talk to Amyla about this - she has experience in dealing with old boyfriends. Ok, so Shava wasn't a boyfriend, he was the first boy I ever held hands with, and we came close to kissin that last summer. He always writes "you are the only one for me, x0, and I'll be back for you", bu I don't really believe it. I guess if he comes back, and I go with him, I'll have to believe it. But I ain't holdin my breath.

Someone gave me a rose last night. It was real pretty. First time I ever saw a nice rose like that. And it was just for me. I slept with it last night. Thorns and all. This morning all of its petals were off. I wonder if thats somehow symbolic of something.

A woman's perogative

2008-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

The old texts say its a woman's perogative to change her mind. I think I might be changing mine. Ater Saturday nights run-in with Commander Nightfire, I had resolved to not talk to him again, to not dance with him again, and to let him manage managing me on his own, the Alliance and his sorry arse be damned. If he failed to take care of me (whatever that means, now I'm not so sure), then let it rest on his plate, not mine. He made it clear that it was all just business.

He's got a cold heart, that one. I've seen it in action.

But then there was last night. He approached me almost tenderly, which was the least to say unexpected. I used my usual "you're my superior, and thats that, regardless where we are" attitude, but it didn't work. It might have worked, but the people in the place we were kept tellin' me to give him a chance, that he liked me. Some even threatened to tie me down and make me listen to him. Well, he'd have probably liked that a lot, seeing me tied up.

So to make peace, I looked back to the words of the Shepherd that said "don't go to bed mad", and I asked him to dance. That was my second mistake. He seems to be an awfully good dancer for someone who has been in service all his life. Then again, he's probably had plenty of shore leave, if you know what I mean. The dancin was nice, it was fun, but he got me all dizzy. And then he pulled me up close to him and stared me down. I don't know why, but I didn't pull away from him this time. I felt trapped. And I liked it. I felt like I was hypnotized. And I didn't want to wake up.

Then he said he had to go.

And I made my third mistake. He asked if I wanted him to walk me home, and I said yes. He got me all the way to my door. He stood there until I got inside and locked the door behind me. I watched him through my two way glass. He couldn't see me, and he didn't know I could see him because he's never been in my place - he doesn't know about the two way glass. I watched him stare at the door for a very long time. Then he reached out and touched it with the fourth finger of his left hand and said "forever x0".

I'm so confused. I live in the middle of Downing, surrounded by Alliance-friendly folk, with some of the highest up Blue Sun people as clients. I spend my time with Browncoats, and am half in love with someone from the past who may be on his way to find me (although I haven't heard any more about him). And my Commander, well, not "my" commander, but the Commander from the ship were I did that dreadful internship - the one I deserted - is following me around, both protective and at the same time something more. Something both sinister and exciting at the same time.

I love excitement, I do. Thats one reason my Mame and Pa didn't want me to go do that internship, one reason why it broke their hearts so much. They were afraid if I got a taste of travelling on the big ships, the fast ships, the deep space ships, the outer moons, the fightin, all of it, I'd get a hankerin for it and want to do it rather than our family 'work'. Well, I've tried doing some of our family 'work' on Persephone and Blackburne, and mostly met with ingratitude or lack of understanding. Been called a witch, too.

Maybe I should run off again, into the black.

Business as Usual

2008-04-13T12:23:00.001-07:00

Forget what I said about Commander Nightfire being kind of "cute". He's not. Oh, he has the eyes to stare you down alright, and his hands move over you when you dance with him, like some kind of hypnotic spell caster. You could almost fall for it...except he can't lie. When you ask him where is his drink - the one you never see him without - he has to tell the truth. Business.

I know what that means. Business. It means he's still doing his job even though he doesn't work for them anymore. And, that job is making sure I'm ok. He thinks I don't know how he watches me and steps in when people might threaten me in some way or other. He thinks I don't know that hes making sure things don't get 'out of control' like they did on the ship. He thinks I don't know that if they get out of control, thats the end of the line for me - and probably a promotion for him - and at the same time, he thinks I don't know he chooses to keep me in line rather than be reinstated, and promoted.

And while I understand a lot of things in this world, I don't understand that.

I heard an old friend of mine has been around asking questions. Questions about Lucy. Like, where is she buried. I know they saved some of her DNA - they got all of our DNA at the Academy. I also know she was pretty much their prize prototype "Op". I have to wonder if Svenska is not looking for her body, to make sure she's blown up enough to not come back before they start up another one of her. I wonder who they will use for the human? I wonder if that would have happened to me if I'd stayed on the ship.

This old friend of mine - from one of the outer moons. It makes me smile to think of him. He was always somewhat of an outlaw. I've heard, anyway, he was asking about me as well. He's the kind of guy that rides in on a black horse and carries you away to some castle in the stars. Now, I've never been one for castles or stars, but I like horses. However, I have the distinct feeling that if I ran off with him, I'd never make it back. I mean, maybe I'd never want to make it back. I don't know what I mean.

I know hearing about him has me all mixed up. Hearing about him, and dancing with the Commander last night for such a long time. He said "Are you nervous, x0". He does make me nervous. I'm afraid of what he might say or do. Or not. I'm afraid I might say or do the wrong thing. I'm afraid I'll get him killed, although why I should worry about that I don't know. I could kill him myself. I almost have before, after all.

I think no more dancin with any menfolk for me. Drinkin, shootin, riding fast, sure. Dancin and cuddlin up - thats ok for Amy and Chol, but its not for me. Can you imagine me and anyone acting like Amy and Chol? All the kissing and petting, and loving, and now babytime. I can't imagine it. I wonder if they used to dance before they started all that. Well, I bet they did, so no dancin' for me.

And I think he'd better start calling me Zhangsun, not x0. He's getting too gorram familiar.

Not a girl

2008-04-12T08:07:00.001-07:00

I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. The difference is more than just the years I've seen. .

What to do about Commander Nightfire. Some have said they think he don't think he was a very good Commander, maybe that's why he drinks. But he was good. He was more than good. He was the best. First on the field whether it be spyin' or fightin' - and last off, too. No one ever left behind if they traveled with him. I traveled with him - I seen it all.

What's it like being an intern on an Alliance vessel? How do you end up there? How did _I_ end up there? It sure wasn't by choice. You might call it more like conscription. A peace offering. A payment for peace. I was the only one left of the Zhangsuns. Yes, sure, so I was an adopted one, but that don't matter, its the name that matters. The Alliance demands one of the "Royal" line serve. So I was told to go. And I went.

I remember that first day. There I was in my red and white usual dress, the kimono, long hair tied up and hands ready to work. We were all put into a very small room - and left there alone for three days. No food. The only water was what was in the bottles we was given earlier. Some of us drank the water right off, not knowing how long we'd be there. Me, I saved mine, because that's just how I am. I wasn't thirsty. And, I knew something was not right from the time I came into the room.

I won't go into the details of the three days, other than to say there was lots of sex, killin' and eatin. You can't imagine how it was for me. I'd never been off my family estate in Zhangsun province other than to help take aid to those on planets that had been HARMED by the Alliance. Now here I was, on their vessel, in a room full of 'subjects', knowing I'd be there for three days, and knowing that I could not do anything to draw attention to myself in there.

So I didn't drink until the second day. Someone saw I still had water and tried to take it. I was going to give it to them, but they raced forward toward me with such intensity, that my reaction was to think NO and the next thing I knew, there they were layin on the floor about ten feet in front of me.

Everyone saw that the thirsty person had fallen. They also saw that I had not touched him. Not laid a finger on hm.

From that time, no one talked to me. No one aske me for anything or told me anything. When day three ended and we were released, I was detained in the room after everyone left. Then he came in. And that is when I met him for the first time. Commander Neutrino Nightfire, Alliance High Command. He didn't just rule the ship. He ruled all the ships. And he was to be my Trainer.

It all seems lke such a long time ago. And then there's now. What to do about...well, its been forever ago. Now he asks me to dance. But he asked me to dance then too, and I almost did it. You know. Killed him. But he has the same look in his eyes now as he did then, and I don't know how long I can keep runnin' from it. From him. From all of it.

There's a pregnant girl, Amyla. She doesn't know he's protecting her. I know he is and I know why. It's because of what happened to me. He don't want it to happen to her baby. Thats what they do. They take babies and 'place' them. I never thought of it before, but I wonder, maybe he was a 'placed' baby. He's never mentioned his family, although its also the case we never talk about anything personal.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk to him about something personal, like, what he likes to do when he's not drinkin'. I almost asked him over for a cup of real tea, but just as I was about to, he turned and talked to some girl. They went off together, talkin' all close and drunk-like. Another blonde, just like Lucy. Maybe it was Lucy, I don't know. I heard she was dead, that Nack shot her dead, but its hard to believe. I mean, I know how many times she has come back, maybe slightly lookin different, but still the same 'core'. Some kinds you just can't kill.

I know I'm ramblin tonight. There's a lot of my mind and I'm feelin' all mixed up. I have feelings I can't explain, and I just want to go blow up some munitions depot or something else that will make a big bang. Thing is, I could do it. And, I wouldnt even need a gun.

He knows this. He knows it better than anyone. Yet he continues to follow me, sometimes coming closer than is appropriate for even a former Commanding Officer. And sometimes ..not often, but sometimes...I want him to.

wanderin...

2008-04-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

folks ask my why i just wander around some nights. i don't seem to find a setttlin place. i can't really explain it much better than that. somewhere there's a place where i can settle in. i can feel it. but i can't quite see it, or find it.

this week i saved two girls from zombies. took a couple of bites myself in the process (the zombies took a couple of bites, that is), but at least they were safe.
I think I got infected. Cause, now I am sick.

Reavers!

2008-03-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

Last night 24 of us were put into hospital. Reavers. Again. Cap'n Nack went down into the sewers after 'em, and came back pretty bunged up. I had some medical supplies, and was able to supply some blood to replace all that he'd lost. Choglosh was able to administer some first aid, and patch him up. It was scary. I don't know what we'd do without the Captain.

My weapons are due for replacement. That's all I can say about that. They are useless. I am not bad at killin' aliens and badguys, but with the uzis, and the mouselook, and the lag, I end up dead without knowing it. Can't escape if you don't see it comin' and I'm guessing the slow animation settings on the AV aren't helping, so some changes re in order. Well, I guess I said a bit, didnt I.

Amyla seems awfully hungry all the time. My guess is there's...well, never mind my guess.

Anyway, Reavers were trying to get to Amy.

We need a plan.

My house was hit by a meteor and was destroyed, so its being rebuilt. The problem is, with it gone, you can see my ship, and thats not good considering it was 'borrowed' from the Alliance. Must get to building. Must also get to getting some medical supplies together. I have a feeling we're going to need them.

Went out to the black...

2008-03-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

Greetings from ....where am I now? Its been over five years since I ran off from my capto...er, Alliance trainers, and for a few months now I've been cleaning up the parents place on the great planet of Persephone. More precisely, the land we own that is always in danger of being annexed to the Alliance Capital of the Universe, Downing.

I didn't expect to find the house in such disarray. I know it has been many years since it was inhabited, but still....

At least I have a new bed, and the fireplace still works. For some reason, its always cold in this house. Must be because of the basement generators. I must get down there - I am shy to admit that in all these months, I still haven't taken a look down there. Its just always dark, and I've been so busy just trying to get this upstairs inhabitable.

I met some new folks at Naismith's birthday party. She's one of the first people I met when I was exploring Washtown. I don't know why I didn't stay there - I guess the family home just sort of called to me. But anyway, I had a real good time at her party, and then went on back to Washtown to see what was going on there. Turns out, there was a sort of after-gathering, where I saw some of the same people from the party. The highlight of the evening I must say was when I went for a space cruise on what has to be the coolest ship I've ever seen - and that includes even the best of the Alliance fleets. Oh, and I did some target shooting at cutouts from an old Earth video game called Halo.

That reminds me, speaking of target shooting - some of the weapons I picked up on my travels seem to be majorly malfunctioning, in the auto-eject off mode. No matter how many times I turn off A/E on both uzis, for example, they still eject (randomly, so it seems). I'm lookin' for some new guns. And, the toxian mace I was playing around with seems powerless against zombies although it works very well on Commanders and other humans. Also seems to work somewhat on Reavers. Speaking of Reavers, everyone wants to know why I kissed on of 'em. All I can say is that he/she needed it.

I did something I thought I'd never do - I went to a Blue Sun U-Day celebration. It was worth it - I saw my former Commander drunk (as usual), but this time he was a bit of in a talkin' mood. That was interesting, but I don't know how much I believe. I can't believe he's off on some kind of self-imposed exile - but for some reason, the Alliance tolerates his insolence. Ironic, as he would never tolerate it from any of his charges. Something seems different about him, and I can't quite tell what it is. Its like there's a wall built around some things in his head, and I can't see thru it. I can't remember when I first started being able to hear him think - and I still can - except for whats inside that wall. Oh well, he don't seem to mean me no harm an after what he did for me (he says he didn't do it, but I know he did), I can't think he'd be one to help bring me in for the "questioning", so I don't feel any fear around him except maybe that he's standing a lot closer to me than is right for a man of his position. Then again, we ain't on the ship anymore, and maybe he's not thinkin about me in terms of how fast I can strip down a gun.

Last night, I stopped by Firefly's over in Blackburne, and got talked into doing some dance called a Bunny Hop. I had me a nice new dress on, and was hopin' to get asked to dance, which I did. Took me a nice soak in the gin tub too. I must say, I am not so comfortable all dressed up like a companion, hobbling around like a sheep in high heeled boots, so I can't see doing that very often although it was fun.

I heard there was some word out for someone who had some knowledge of Alliance computers, and I let it be known I might have some knowledge of someone like that. We'll see what comes of that.

I'm still healing from the zombie bites I got last night. If it wasn't for the Commander, I wouldn't be alive - he got me to the pavillion just in time. He's a good bloke as they say.

So many other things have happened since I moved into the Annex. I got invited to a wedding of two of the very best-for-each-other friends, Cho and Amy - although I had a hard time sitting still (afraid Reavers might come in and carry her off). It was real beautiful, they said some special words and then Cap'n Barnes said some words, and then they was married. I think thats the most special thing I've seen flying around the 'verse.

I got the damaged ship up and running for fast runs over to Blackburne, or wherever else something or someone of interest might be, and she's running real good now. She's not fancy like the other ships (although their captains might argue they ain't fancy, but to me, anything that is firefly class is fancy) - but she's fast. Shes built for speed, not comfort. There's still a bit of damage from where I ran her into the ground, but she flies straight and true. Just like me.