Not a girl

I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. The difference is more than just the years I've seen. .

What to do about Commander Nightfire. Some have said they think he don't think he was a very good Commander, maybe that's why he drinks. But he was good. He was more than good. He was the best. First on the field whether it be spyin' or fightin' - and last off, too. No one ever left behind if they traveled with him. I traveled with him - I seen it all.

What's it like being an intern on an Alliance vessel? How do you end up there? How did _I_ end up there? It sure wasn't by choice. You might call it more like conscription. A peace offering. A payment for peace. I was the only one left of the Zhangsuns. Yes, sure, so I was an adopted one, but that don't matter, its the name that matters. The Alliance demands one of the "Royal" line serve. So I was told to go. And I went.

I remember that first day. There I was in my red and white usual dress, the kimono, long hair tied up and hands ready to work. We were all put into a very small room - and left there alone for three days. No food. The only water was what was in the bottles we was given earlier. Some of us drank the water right off, not knowing how long we'd be there. Me, I saved mine, because that's just how I am. I wasn't thirsty. And, I knew something was not right from the time I came into the room.

I won't go into the details of the three days, other than to say there was lots of sex, killin' and eatin. You can't imagine how it was for me. I'd never been off my family estate in Zhangsun province other than to help take aid to those on planets that had been HARMED by the Alliance. Now here I was, on their vessel, in a room full of 'subjects', knowing I'd be there for three days, and knowing that I could not do anything to draw attention to myself in there.

So I didn't drink until the second day. Someone saw I still had water and tried to take it. I was going to give it to them, but they raced forward toward me with such intensity, that my reaction was to think NO and the next thing I knew, there they were layin on the floor about ten feet in front of me.

Everyone saw that the thirsty person had fallen. They also saw that I had not touched him. Not laid a finger on hm.

From that time, no one talked to me. No one aske me for anything or told me anything. When day three ended and we were released, I was detained in the room after everyone left. Then he came in. And that is when I met him for the first time. Commander Neutrino Nightfire, Alliance High Command. He didn't just rule the ship. He ruled all the ships. And he was to be my Trainer.

It all seems lke such a long time ago. And then there's now. What to do about...well, its been forever ago. Now he asks me to dance. But he asked me to dance then too, and I almost did it. You know. Killed him. But he has the same look in his eyes now as he did then, and I don't know how long I can keep runnin' from it. From him. From all of it.

There's a pregnant girl, Amyla. She doesn't know he's protecting her. I know he is and I know why. It's because of what happened to me. He don't want it to happen to her baby. Thats what they do. They take babies and 'place' them. I never thought of it before, but I wonder, maybe he was a 'placed' baby. He's never mentioned his family, although its also the case we never talk about anything personal.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to talk to him about something personal, like, what he likes to do when he's not drinkin'. I almost asked him over for a cup of real tea, but just as I was about to, he turned and talked to some girl. They went off together, talkin' all close and drunk-like. Another blonde, just like Lucy. Maybe it was Lucy, I don't know. I heard she was dead, that Nack shot her dead, but its hard to believe. I mean, I know how many times she has come back, maybe slightly lookin different, but still the same 'core'. Some kinds you just can't kill.

I know I'm ramblin tonight. There's a lot of my mind and I'm feelin' all mixed up. I have feelings I can't explain, and I just want to go blow up some munitions depot or something else that will make a big bang. Thing is, I could do it. And, I wouldnt even need a gun.

He knows this. He knows it better than anyone. Yet he continues to follow me, sometimes coming closer than is appropriate for even a former Commanding Officer. And sometimes ..not often, but sometimes...I want him to.