Don't make no sense at all...

I haven't heard from Shadowbroker for several days. My ankle is fine, and I'm ready to rock and roll, but I don't know if we're on or not. I guess I can only be ready, wait, and hope. My friends still don't want me to go. I think only Amyla understands how much I _need_ to go because she's agreed to do something for me if I don't make it back from the black. The fact she agreed makes it all more real, and that helps me get ready mentally - and that is what will save my life when push comes to shove, if it does. I still don't know what the job is, but Shava said it's better if I don't know - that knowing would change how I'm acting, and that would tip people off. I don't know how I act has anything to do with this "one last job" of his, but I hope I do it right for him, and I hope it is his last job, because its time for him to settle down.

Not with me, mind you. I think I came to terms with that. I ain't in love with him anymore - not sure if I ever was. Like Amy says about her ex, "he was a lot of firsts...", and that makes him special. The fact that he was with me when I fired my first gun - well that alone makes him closer to kin than just a friend. Oh, I love him, don't get me wrong. I'd do just about anything for him. But, I ain't in love with him.

My new friends tell me I'm in love with the Commander. They're still sayin it - almost every day - that I should just tell him. I might just do that, this weekend. I was thinking of having too much to drink and being loose with words, but I don't want to tell him like that. If I tell him, I want it to be face to face, in a way that's very clear. I only intend to give my love away once, and I want to be all in a right mind when I do it. If I do it. You see, I just need to be sure. And I was...until this new fellow came to Blackburne....And now, I'm not sure.

I lied last night when I said I'd never been kissed. Two days ago, this new space cowboy kissed me before I knew what happened. He probably didn't know it was my first. It made me have a lot of mixed up feelings. If I'm in love with the Commander, why do I find that if I see that guy with someone else, I feel a strangebit of something like 'jealous'. He even said 'you're jealous', and I said 'am not'. And I meant it. But the honest truth is, I was jealous. But I shouldn't be. He plays loose and fast with his kisses, and I think he's just out to get as many of 'em as he can from as many womenfolk as will allow. To be clear, I did NOT allow it. He did it before I could object. And the next day, we went out kissin' with one of the dancers, and then told me about it. I don't know he had to tell me. Like I care.

I went to look at that dancer, just to see and think what it must have been like. Maybe that makes me ...I don't know...strange....but I'm curious about all this kissin and lovin and standing close. I stood close to the Commander before, and it made me feel funny. I don't feel funny like that standing by anyone else, not in my whole life. I can't imagine life without him in it. So why am I running off with Shava, and thinkin' about that kiss that was stolen from me? I don't understand myself. Not at all.

One thing I do understand is that if'n I ever do settle in with a man, I ain't going to lie to him about anything, ever. He can take me as I am, for the woman that I am, or not take me at all. Oh, I figure I'm strong enough to be even submitted to a husband like its says in the Book that Shepherd Flax has, and I know that don't mean he's better than me. It's just someone will have to be the boss at the end of the day. I guess when I think about it like that, its pretty clear to me that there's only one man that I'd want to be he boss of me. And that man isn't the stealer of kisses, or the stealer of merchandise - its the stealer of my heart and he's probably had it for longer than even I know. Yep, I think this weekend I better get 'round to askin Nene if he would like to do some courtin' with me. And sparkin. And the best way to do that is stone cold sober, not during a fight, with clear head and clear eyes, and those three words I've been waiting a long time to say, and probably won't hear for even longer.

Lets hope my courage stays as strong as my feelings, and doesn't change as much as they do.