Last night didn't go so well. I did get all dressed up like I planned, and I was nice to the Commander. I didn't start any fights, and I even brought him one of his favorite drinks. Usually he asks me to dance at least once, just to pass the time - but last night, he didn't ask me. Not once. He didn't even actually look at me. It was almost like I wasn't there.
Archer observed all this and when I finally broke and had to go outside, he followed me out. He didn't have much to say except to swear at the Commander, and try to hug on me. This time I let him. I even hugged him back, full on. He said he wanted to be my friend, but then he got all excited about, as he put it, 'having x0x0's boobs pressed up against him'. I guess even friends can't help being men, if they's men.
But I wonder, why doesn't Nene ever notice.
Amyla said to go on and tell him - Nene - that I love him. I think that's pretty risky because (a) I'm not sure I do. How do I know what love is? I know that I can't imagine a world without him. I know that sometimes I think about him when I'm falling asleep, wondering how he's feeling, if he's sleeping...what he looks like....I remember that time I saw him sleepin' under that big tree. But anyway, about love, and telling him, (b) What if he don't say it back. You're supposed to get it said back to you, and I always heard it was the man was supposed to say it first. Ok, so maybe he can't because I'm his job, and yes, it's complicated. But...if I say it and he don't, I'll be mighty embarassed, and fell like a fool. Then there's (c) What if he gets mad at me for having feelin's. I was trained to not have 'em, and havin them might make me less of a woman to him, or at least less of a...whatever it is I'm supposed to be...
Whatever it is I'm supposed to be.
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