Walking me home

So, Nene walked me home again last night. People have asked why I call him Nene...its hard to explain. We've gotten closer over the past few months of him _following me around_. In some ways, I suppose you could even say we've become friends, of a sort.

We've spent a lot of time together saying nothing, and sometimes we've actually talked. I remember one morning, I woke up and he was there, outside my door, waiting for me to wake up - just like he is every day - but this day was different. He looked like he had actually been up all night, guarding.

Maybe its just the first time I'd really noticed past my irritation at being followed around all the time. In any case, notice I did, and the man looked like he had been up all night. His left hand was on the butt of his pistol, his right was free (he would say "for the ice bucket" and laugh), and I suddenly realised that the person who was becoming my friend was becoming more to me than just my former Commander.

I felt a small snippet of gratitude for his watching over me. Never mind that I don't know exactly why he's doing it - except that it was his job then, and its apparently his job now even that he's not flyin' the Alliance flag - and never mind that he refuses to tell me. I do know that sometimes I feel a little fondness for him. I think it started when I tried to make peace and asked him to dance.

It was different. Usually he asks me, and its just to occupy, take up time, spend his time doing something more interesting than watching me. This time, when I asked him, he looked at me funny - I wrote about it before.

What I didn't write was what a long time he took walking me home that night. We did some laughing and every now and my hair would come undone and then he'd go touchin' it, to push it back, and it wouldn't explode (he seemed relieved at that). I felt funny when he touched it, pushing it back off my face. And along that way, we sat down, and fell asleep. Just right there against a tree. Nothin improper. I think I was just too tired to carry on, so he stopped to let me rest, and then he let me sleep.

When I woke up, he was still asleep - sitting there on the ground, against a tree, with his arms around me just as we had fallen asleep. I wanted to say something. I couldn't call him Commander, or Sir, and to say his whole name seemed so formal. So I whispered "Nene" to wake him up. It's a diminuative, a short version of nickname - common back in Zhangsun province, where words are more of a mouthful than on most of the moons. "Nene", I whispered, "wake up...the sun is coming up...".

From that time on, it was the only thing I could call him. Nothing else felt right on my lips.

But this is problem because its so apparent that its back to 'business as usual' for him. He's there to guard me and nothing more. Nothing less. For what, I don't know. For who, I can only guess his former taskmasters - even though hes so much unlike them I can't imagine they would tolerate his insolence...then again, maybe they know he's the only one could guard me without incurring any damage.

After all, it wouldn't do for the Zhangsun family to lose the only daughter, even if she is adopted. And it sure wouldn't do for attention to be brought to the fact that in our dialect, Zheng translates to Blue. I guess that make me pretty 'special', if only for the fact that the Alliance would like to see me gone, but can't afford the cost; the "family" would like to see me return, but only so they could get rid of me and run things totally without any fear of interference. And poor Nene - what's he gotten himself into. At the same time, I have the feeling he knows very well what he's into.

He's a good man. He's got more moral to him than most of the men I've run into.I must be more careful, the stars in my eyes could end up having his reflection in them and that would be a very B A D thing. I still have a lot of adventurin' to do, and a strong hankerin to hook up with my old friend Shava, for one last spin thru the black. I wonder what happened to him, haven't seen him around for so long. He is so different from Nene. They even look different. Funny how they make me feel kind of the same, all mixed up. I want to talk to Amyla about this - she has experience in dealing with old boyfriends. Ok, so Shava wasn't a boyfriend, he was the first boy I ever held hands with, and we came close to kissin that last summer. He always writes "you are the only one for me, x0, and I'll be back for you", bu I don't really believe it. I guess if he comes back, and I go with him, I'll have to believe it. But I ain't holdin my breath.

Someone gave me a rose last night. It was real pretty. First time I ever saw a nice rose like that. And it was just for me. I slept with it last night. Thorns and all. This morning all of its petals were off. I wonder if thats somehow symbolic of something.