A woman's perogative

The old texts say its a woman's perogative to change her mind. I think I might be changing mine. Ater Saturday nights run-in with Commander Nightfire, I had resolved to not talk to him again, to not dance with him again, and to let him manage managing me on his own, the Alliance and his sorry arse be damned. If he failed to take care of me (whatever that means, now I'm not so sure), then let it rest on his plate, not mine. He made it clear that it was all just business.

He's got a cold heart, that one. I've seen it in action.

But then there was last night. He approached me almost tenderly, which was the least to say unexpected. I used my usual "you're my superior, and thats that, regardless where we are" attitude, but it didn't work. It might have worked, but the people in the place we were kept tellin' me to give him a chance, that he liked me. Some even threatened to tie me down and make me listen to him. Well, he'd have probably liked that a lot, seeing me tied up.

So to make peace, I looked back to the words of the Shepherd that said "don't go to bed mad", and I asked him to dance. That was my second mistake. He seems to be an awfully good dancer for someone who has been in service all his life. Then again, he's probably had plenty of shore leave, if you know what I mean. The dancin was nice, it was fun, but he got me all dizzy. And then he pulled me up close to him and stared me down. I don't know why, but I didn't pull away from him this time. I felt trapped. And I liked it. I felt like I was hypnotized. And I didn't want to wake up.

Then he said he had to go.

And I made my third mistake. He asked if I wanted him to walk me home, and I said yes. He got me all the way to my door. He stood there until I got inside and locked the door behind me. I watched him through my two way glass. He couldn't see me, and he didn't know I could see him because he's never been in my place - he doesn't know about the two way glass. I watched him stare at the door for a very long time. Then he reached out and touched it with the fourth finger of his left hand and said "forever x0".

I'm so confused. I live in the middle of Downing, surrounded by Alliance-friendly folk, with some of the highest up Blue Sun people as clients. I spend my time with Browncoats, and am half in love with someone from the past who may be on his way to find me (although I haven't heard any more about him). And my Commander, well, not "my" commander, but the Commander from the ship were I did that dreadful internship - the one I deserted - is following me around, both protective and at the same time something more. Something both sinister and exciting at the same time.

I love excitement, I do. Thats one reason my Mame and Pa didn't want me to go do that internship, one reason why it broke their hearts so much. They were afraid if I got a taste of travelling on the big ships, the fast ships, the deep space ships, the outer moons, the fightin, all of it, I'd get a hankerin for it and want to do it rather than our family 'work'. Well, I've tried doing some of our family 'work' on Persephone and Blackburne, and mostly met with ingratitude or lack of understanding. Been called a witch, too.

Maybe I should run off again, into the black.